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Jewish World Review Five billionth in line for the throne By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | "Count Lipschitz is on the phone," Sue yelled. There was an unsaid "again" in her voice. He is becoming a pest, always calling just as I'm going out the door or just when dinner is ready. It's uncanny how he knows exactly when I shut the door to the bathroom. He never wants anything, he just wants to chat about what he and Lady Lipschitz did last night -- usually something I'm not interested in, like a masquerade ball or a dog show or a single-malt scotch tasting. Count Lipschitz is not royalty; that's just his first name. His parents had the wisdom to realize that with a name like that, he could get preferential treatment his whole life. Sure enough, he got into the most exclusive private kindergarten in his hometown of Newark, N.J. without having to supply seven character references and tons of financial statements like the other kids. They even gave him a scholarship. He can call the most popular, exclusive restaurant in the world and get a reservation instantly. Sometimes he doesn't even have to pay. People fawn over him as if he were Pippa Middleton in a thong. He's never had a job, yet he never goes hungry. I suppose his parents could have named him Doctor Lipschitz or Cardinal Lipschitz or General Lipschitz and gotten some of the same effects -- the instantly returned phone calls, the not-so-subtle sucking up, the feeling that when people ask "How can I help you?" they actually mean it. But Doctor, Cardinal or General wouldn't have worked like Count did at private schools. Besides, those names all come with baggage: At some point, people will expect the people with those titles to show some expertise in something. For example, Doctor Lipschitz would be expected to look at that mole on the maitre d's cheek to see if it might be melanoma, whereas no one expects Count Lipschitz to know that -- or anything else. If Doctor Lipschitz botched the Heimlich maneuver on a fellow diner, he'd be banned from the restaurant. Count Lipschitz could continue eating for free while customers all around him turned blue. The staff might even apologize to him for the inconvenience of it all. Cardinal Lipschitz would stop getting special treatment the first time he showed up with a date, yet if Count showed up with a woman who was not his wife, no one would say a word. It might even be expected. After all, counts will be counts. General Lipschitz would have to be decisive. He can't ask what is better, the fish or the fowl -- he has to pretend he knows. Yet Count and Lady Lipschitz can pester the servers, endlessly asking for things that aren't on the menu and then not eating them because that's what everyone expects of them. Everyone knows that Colonel Sanders wasn't really an Army colonel, but did that hurt him? No. He wasn't ever really a private, either, but if you're going to fluff up the resume, you've got to get the balance just right. General Sanders would be too much, Private Sanders too little. Naming your child Professor doesn't work, because it won't get him a table at a good restaurant. Sir Lipschitz sounds pretentious. Other people can call you sir, but it's not really something you call yourself. Some say Count's parents were wrong to give him that name -- after all, he hadn't deserved the title. As if real counts did something to earn theirs. Unlike Count, Lady Lipschitz' parents were not planning that she be mistaken for royalty; they just thought Ladybird Johnson's name was wonderful and unique. It got shortened to Lady on the first day of kindergarten. She hasn't forgotten how cruel children can be in 50 years. Count Lipschitz was calling to find out if he could borrow a cup of money. No, just kidding. He was going out of state to visit his brother Duke and wanted to know if I'd take care of his dog. "Can't you leave him in a kennel for a few days?" I asked. "No," he said, "They don't take royalty." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: WARNING! This article may cause drowsiness The mail and email of the species Jotting down the un-bucket list Bees deliver stinging fashion critique Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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