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May 22, 2013
John Thorne:
They launched the 'Arab Spring' but now yearn for the good old days of a strongman
May 20, 2013
Richard A. Serrano: Is Meir Kahane's assassin now a changed man?
Melissa Healy: Genetic copies of living people from embryos no longer science fiction
Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : Jews Inducted into Rock Hall of Fame; Anton Yelchin co-stars in New "Trek" film; Kutcher (but not Kunis) visits Israel; Jewish TV Star Praises Jewish Rap Star
The Kosher Gourmet by Cathy Pollak: WARNING: This WALNUT CAKE WITH PRALINE FROSTING, perfect for afternoon coffee, is addicting
May 13, 2013
Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Why the giving of the document that would permanently change the world could only be done in desolation
David G. Savage: Church-state, literally? Supreme Court weighing public school graduation in a church
May 10, 2013
Rabbi Berel Wein: Be all that you should be
May 8, 2013
Peter Ford: Why China is welcoming both Israel's Netanyahu and Palestinians' Abbas
Warren Richey: Obama administration quietly backs out of appeal over new contraceptive mandate
Fred Weir: At Kerry-Putin meeting, US-Russia relations thaw --- a tad
The Kosher Gourmet by Leela Cyd Ross : Almost too pretty to eat, this colorful salad with Sicilian inspiration will tickle the taste buds and delight your visual sensibility
May 6, 2013
May 3, 2013
Kids, kittens the Same? With employee perks at struggling Internet pioneer Yahoo! it's hard to tell
Sandy Kleffman: Artificial kidney offers hope to patients tethered to a dialysis machine
April 29, 2013
Roy Gutman: Poland's new Jewish museum celebrates life, doesn't revisit Holocaust
Mark Clayton: Terrorism in America: Is US missing a chance to learn from failed plots?
Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
Pete Spotts: Tiny satellites + cellphones = cheaper 'eyes in the sky' for NASA
April 26, 2013
Clifford D. May: Defense in the Age of Jihadist Terrorism
Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty
April 24, 2013
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Jewish World Review
The mysteries of Jersey
By
Jim Mullen
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
A Russian spy ring was arrested in suburban New Jersey a few weeks ago, and the CIA is still trying to figure out how much damage they may have done to the United States. As opposed to the kind of damage regular New Jerseyans do to the United States. What kind of information they were passing on to their Russian spymasters is still sketchy, but the transcripts of some of their communications have just been released.
"Hey, you told us that New Jersey was called the 'Garden State.' Was that some kind of joke? Like the way we call Russia 'democratic'? If this is the Garden State, what in Lenin's name do they call Hawaii? We've been here for almost 20 years, and I've probably only learned 20 secrets. One secret a year. You want to know the secret to finding a good parking spot at the Paramus Mall? Here it is: You drive around for, like, three hours. That's how long it takes to find an empty spot right in front of The Cheesecake Factory or the Men's Wearhouse. When are we going to get something like the Men's Wearhouse in Moscow? It's fantastical. You can buy name-brand suits at half price. The prices are so low, it's almost like communism. Except they really have the suits. And you don't look fat and dumpy like Khrushchev or Yeltsin when you wear them.
"I'm enclosing the secret formula for Grey Goose vodka. I love this stuff. It's how I start my day. I think a good advertising slogan for it would be: 'Won't Make You Go Blind Like the Government Stuff.' Catchy, no? We learned a thing or two about advertising while living here, too. Also, I'm passing along the plans for Newark International Airport. These plans were very hard to get, as the secret to Newark Airport was that it was not built from a plan. They just started pouring concrete wherever there was a flat space. Here's a shot of it from Google Earth, which was invented by a Russian, as you know -- like the automobile and the airplane.
"You want to know the secret to driving 85 mph on the New Jersey Turnpike? Text with one hand and make rude gestures with the other. If you haven't cut off or cursed at three or four other drivers each mile, you're doing it wrong. Use the horn when you would normally use the brake. If you are not in a hurry, why are you driving?
"There are some secrets we never did discover -- like why do the New York Giants play in New Jersey? And how do you get season tickets? We have no one to ask. It is very hard to meet normal Americans here. In Moscow, everybody knows everything about everybody. In New Jersey, no one knows anything about anybody. Nobody seems to care that I never go to work, as long as I don't have crabgrass on the lawn. Since crabgrass is a Russian invention designed to make Americans crazy, it is no problem for us to keep lawn nice. Keep sending the antidote.
"Are you sure there are better secrets to be discovered in San Francisco or San Diego? I hear San Diego has the best secrets. Or Hawaii. I'm telling you, Hawaii is just loaded with secrets. Big, huge, honking secrets -- especially in Maui.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
Previously:
You are a toilet, where am I?
Don't we all cheat at the game of life?
What happens when I forget where Google is?
Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out
Picasso fiasco
Purple (hair) Daze
Let me hear your body talk
Working from work
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
He loves only gold, only gold
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like wack Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from Little House
A parable for the ages
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
Green dumb
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative juice
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping
© 2009, NEA
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