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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

The mysteries of Jersey

By Jim Mullen




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | A Russian spy ring was arrested in suburban New Jersey a few weeks ago, and the CIA is still trying to figure out how much damage they may have done to the United States. As opposed to the kind of damage regular New Jerseyans do to the United States. What kind of information they were passing on to their Russian spymasters is still sketchy, but the transcripts of some of their communications have just been released.

"Hey, you told us that New Jersey was called the 'Garden State.' Was that some kind of joke? Like the way we call Russia 'democratic'? If this is the Garden State, what in Lenin's name do they call Hawaii? We've been here for almost 20 years, and I've probably only learned 20 secrets. One secret a year. You want to know the secret to finding a good parking spot at the Paramus Mall? Here it is: You drive around for, like, three hours. That's how long it takes to find an empty spot right in front of The Cheesecake Factory or the Men's Wearhouse. When are we going to get something like the Men's Wearhouse in Moscow? It's fantastical. You can buy name-brand suits at half price. The prices are so low, it's almost like communism. Except they really have the suits. And you don't look fat and dumpy like Khrushchev or Yeltsin when you wear them.

"I'm enclosing the secret formula for Grey Goose vodka. I love this stuff. It's how I start my day. I think a good advertising slogan for it would be: 'Won't Make You Go Blind Like the Government Stuff.' Catchy, no? We learned a thing or two about advertising while living here, too. Also, I'm passing along the plans for Newark International Airport. These plans were very hard to get, as the secret to Newark Airport was that it was not built from a plan. They just started pouring concrete wherever there was a flat space. Here's a shot of it from Google Earth, which was invented by a Russian, as you know -- like the automobile and the airplane.

"You want to know the secret to driving 85 mph on the New Jersey Turnpike? Text with one hand and make rude gestures with the other. If you haven't cut off or cursed at three or four other drivers each mile, you're doing it wrong. Use the horn when you would normally use the brake. If you are not in a hurry, why are you driving?

"There are some secrets we never did discover -- like why do the New York Giants play in New Jersey? And how do you get season tickets? We have no one to ask. It is very hard to meet normal Americans here. In Moscow, everybody knows everything about everybody. In New Jersey, no one knows anything about anybody. Nobody seems to care that I never go to work, as long as I don't have crabgrass on the lawn. Since crabgrass is a Russian invention designed to make Americans crazy, it is no problem for us to keep lawn nice. Keep sending the antidote.

"Are you sure there are better secrets to be discovered in San Francisco or San Diego? I hear San Diego has the best secrets. Or Hawaii. I'm telling you, Hawaii is just loaded with secrets. Big, huge, honking secrets -- especially in Maui.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.

Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."


Previously:


‘You are a toilet, where am I?’
Don't we all cheat at the game of life?
What happens when I forget where Google is?
Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out
Picasso fiasco
Purple (hair) ‘Daze’
Let me hear your body talk
Working from work
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
‘He loves only gold, only gold’
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like ‘wack’ Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’
A parable for the ‘ages’
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
Green dumb
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative ‘juice’
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping



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