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May 24, 2012
Jeff Jacoby: The peace process battered Israel's reputation
Michael Muskal: 'Pro-choice' position hits record low, according to poll
Chris Farrell: Are We in a Tech Bubble?
The Kosher Gourmet by Penelope Wall: PHILLY CHEESE STEAKS --- hold the steak!
May 23, 2012
Tony Pugh: More private colleges offering tuition discounts
Mary Beth Franklin: How to Choose the Right Annuity for You
Tina Susman: The wig wasn't enough: Man gets 13 years for posing as his dead mom
The Kosher Gourmet by Emma Christensen:A simple way to do fish right
May 22, 2012
Warren Richey: Can US group challenge overseas surveillance act? Supreme Court to decide
Thomas M. Anderson: Walking Away From a Mortgage
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: Enjoy a celebration of the most rich and layered flavors: Black bean, sweet potato and quinoa chili
May 21, 2012
Mark Clayton: Cybersecurity: How US utilities passed up chance to protect their networks
Howard LaFranchi: NATO summit: Who will foot the bill for long-term Afghanistan security?
Chris Farrell : Earn Dividends in Emerging Markets with This WisdomTree ETF
Stephen Whiteside, Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Social anxiety disorder --- or just shy?
Guy Jackson : Victim's father regrets death of Lockerbie bomber
The Kosher Gourmet by Mario Batali: Famed chef's veal shoulder farsumagru: A festive meat course for late spring
May 18, 2012
Rabbi Berel Wein: Striving: The People of the Book's Book for (All of) the People
Steven Goldberg: 5 Great Stock Picks and the Exchange-Traded Fund that Owns Them
Mary Pickett, M.D.: Ask the Harvard Experts: Don't be forced into gluten-free lifestyle based merely on a doctor's false-positive test
The Kosher Gourmet by Carolyn Malcoun: DIY healthy lunchbox treats: HOMEMADE FRUIT BARS for kids and brown-bagging adults alike
May 17, 2012
Warren Richey: Teacher fired for being unwed and pregnant can sue religious school, court rules
Josh Mitnick: Netanyahu's 'centrist' coalition is already proving it's anything but
Steven Goldberg: Earn Dividends in Emerging Markets with This WisdomTree ETF
Amina Khan: Research links coffee to lower death rates
The Kosher Gourmet by Faith Duran : Cheesy Potato Breakfast Casserole with Cheddar and Sun-Dried Tomatoes
May 16, 2012
Carmen Terzic, M.D., Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: A variety of exercises can help improve balance
Melissa Healy: National strategy on Alzheimer's disease aims to halt it by 2025
The Kosher Gourmet by Joyce White : GOODNESS GRACIOUS: GREENS! 4 winning recipes that are no longer just for down-home folks (Includes expert tips & techniques)
May 15, 2012
Kristen Chick: Obama administration resumes arms sales to Bahrain despite serious unresolved human rights issues. Activists feel abandoned
Pat Mertz Esswein: Homes are now affordable again and mortgage rates are low. What you need to know before you buy
Kathy Kristof: Our Practical Investor Fights Inflation with These 6 Investments
Sue Hubbard, M.D.: The Kid's Doctor: Lactose intolerant young child? Check again
The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Hunt: Spread a Little Excitement with EXOTIC CONDIMENTS (4 RECIPES)
May 14, 2012
Lisa Gerstner: How to Protect Your Identity, Finances If You Lose Your Phone
Harvard Health Letters: Heart disease and dementia
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: MANGO COCONUT OAT MORNING MUFFINS are a bright but hearty delight
May 11, 2012
Jessica L. Anderson: Get the Best Deal on a Used Car
Jett Stone: Forget face-lifts and fake knees. Scientists have seen the fountain of youth --- and it's broccoli
The Kosher Gourmet by Chef Mario Batali: The famed chef's vegetable dish that tastes true to the season: FAVAS AND SUGAR SNAP PEAS WITH POTATOES AND TARRAGON
May 10, 2012
Sergei L. Loiko: Putin sends warning to U.S., NATO in Victory Day speech at Red Square
Mary Rourke: How being a 'mentch' got Vidal Sasoon his start and fighting in Israel's War of Independence provided him with confidence and a strong sense of his own identity
Jeff Bertolucci: Get Home Phone Service for Less Than $10 a Month
The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Gleaming with its golden, crimson, and snowy white hues, this silken smooth and creamy STRAWBERRY ORANGE TRIFLE looks impressive, but is easy to prepare
May 9, 2012
Sharon Palmer, R.D. How you can reduce your risk -- or delay -- chronic diseases associated with aging
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Jewish World Review
Sinatra would have called a plumber
By
Chris Erskine
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
My dad's latest war with the world involves a hot water heater that he installed but couldn't get to "fire up," as he put it, another one of those golden-oldie expressions from the '70s he uses. As in, "You guys fired up about the game?" or "Hey, let's fire up the grill and cook some stegosaurus."
Seriously, I am the progeny of Fred Flintstone.
Anyway, that's why I'm writing my daddy-o's column for him today, me, the little red-haired girl making her journalistic debut. Usually my older sister fills in as guest columnist, but she is "so over that," as she puts it. Besides, my dad paid me, like, five entire bucks.
"Wow, Dad, you're a generous guy," I tell him.
"Well, there's less where that came from," he replies.
This water heater thing all started with the baseball all-star game, when the toilet valve started leaking, and my dad tried to turn it off, except the shutoff valve, or some thingy, started leaking too, so he had to curse a few times, then rush out to the hardware store between the third and the seventh innings.
"Fortunately, baseball games go on forever," he said, then made himself a nice icy vodka tonic.
Everything seemed fine until the next day, when he went to take a shower and there was no hot water on account of it was all over the basement floor. Dad says this is a tradition for water heaters — "they just rupture or something, basically they're possessed" — and that we're very lucky the hot water heater wasn't in an upstairs closet, like so many are.
When you look at it that way, I guess we are "very lucky," even though in most aspects of our lives, luck has not been a major issue for us at all.
I don't know what a toilet has to do with the hot water heater, but Dad says all things in life are tangentially connected, and that "every molecule is a miracle and a bridge to another miracle." That's my dad for you. One moment he's Fred Flintstone, the next Stephen Hawking.
Poor Dad. He told me once that all he really wanted to do with his life was to write one song for Frank Sinatra, who ruined my dad's dream by up and dying prematurely at age 80 or something.
It would've been a jaunty tune, my dad says, the kind Mr. Sinatra used to sing in a tux.
"Sinatra wore a tux like a birthday suit," Dad says.
"Is that good?" I ask.
"It means he was very comfortable in it," he explains.
My mom says this is true and that my dad wears a tux as if it jumped on his back in a bar fight. He is all the time spinning around and clutching at his throat trying to get it off of him.
So I guess my dad will never be a singer, or a songwriter for that matter, or even a plumber, judging from the grunts coming out of the basement right now. He's banging on pipes and trying to get the pilot light to "fire up." Son of a ... !!!
OMG, you should see him. My baby brother sits there by his side, offering encouragement and saying things like, "Know what I don't like about girls? They're always singing," to which my dad answers, "That's what I don't like about them too. Hand me that screwdriver."
Dad says houses get sick just like people, and when they do, you have to take care of them. He says that by installing the water heater himself, he saved $400, "a not insignificant amount," and that's not even taking into account the amount of water and natural gas he's saved by installing a water heater that doesn't actually work.
When you think about it, Dad's kind of brilliant that way. If you brought these kinds of efficiencies to the federal government, we'd all be eating lobster for lunch.
"You know, I could be playing in the British Open right now," he says. "But instead, you need me here."
When things don't work out like this, my dad gets all Zenny and philosophical about stuff. He chuckles to himself and shakes his head in disbelief. "First, the Sinatra thing. Now this," is what he's probably thinking. It's almost more than one man can take.
"Sometimes God puts up brick walls," he explains after discovering the new water heater is a dud.
"Then what, Dad?" I ask.
"I'm not sure," he says wistfully.
Mom says intimate personal disappointments like this help to reveal a dad's true character. Mom says to just leave him alone to let him struggle with his demons, before he calls the customer service number on Monday and gets put on hold for, like, seven hours.
OMG, talk about demons. I'll bet that reveals a dad's true character too.
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Comment by clicking here.
Previously:
Seedlings and saplings
A real bear amid the Cubs
In the first grade, life bubbles over
Take my one-liners, please
Just point the way and we'll march
An enchanted diorama in the 'burbs
America's next top Mama
Fires and gas leaks aside, we're just swell
Woozy on the lido deck of life
He's tickled to visit the doctor
A treat that could eat you
Making sense of March Madness
Save the queen, from Biden's motorcade
His daughter's becoming an adult, but is that a good thing?
Thin mints and fungo bats
You must be this tall to enter the ark
© 2010, Los Angeles Times Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services
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