Jewish World Review July 27, 2004 / 9 Menachem-Av, 5764

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Television: More real than ever


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | I hate to keep harping on this, but the so-called reality shows show no sign of stopping. The two latest ones to come down the tube include one for Fox in which the surviving members of TLC screen contestants competing to replace member Lisa Lopes, who died in a car crash in 2002. CBS will launch "Rock Star," in which the survivors of INXS pick a front man to replace Michael Hutchence, who died in 1997.


Fox had considered other groups for their program, including Queen, who lost the great Freddie Mercury in 1991.


Well, you know, why stop here? We could take back the day the music died, if the Crickets found a new Buddy Holly. The Beatles are two moptops short of an ensemble.


We could probably create a new crop of Monkees whole cloth, and a grateful pre-teen America would scream in gratitude. Madonna's changed her name to Esther. How about a search for a new Madonna? Cher could host that, or her own show, a quest for the next Sonny. We could always use another Everley or Righteous Brother. Are Elvis and Jim Morrison still alive? Come on, Fox Television, go find them!


Also, the Olsen twins just turned 18, as the media noted with a creepy kind of voyeurism. Mary-Kate has already entered rehab, it's said, for an eating disorder. Welcome to the adult world, kid! Could Ashley do a reality show in which she shops around for a new twin, one without issues?

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We could have an entire teevee show devoted to the discovery of the next wholesome underage twins, from whom one can extract a multi-million dollar franchise. Dolls. Games. Straight to DVD feature length presentations. Kiosks in Wal Mart. Wal Mart's come under heat lately. How about a reality show to discover the next hot big box retailer?


And Britney's looking pretty wobbly lately, don't you think? Cancelling shows, nightclubbing til all hours, spraining various limbs, weeping noisily at three in the morning, getting married, annuled…. Like Liz Taylor she's become famous for being famous, and she's only in her twenties. Well, the ground is thick with Britney wannabes. If Britney is broken, should we fix her, or just get a new one? If we want to keep her, maybe she needs a makeover. Or at least keep her away from Las Vegas.


Why don't we sic the Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys on Michael Moore? I mean, the guy's done pretty well with his polemical movies. Can't he can afford a tailor? Couldn't he spring for a fedora at least?


Some have expressed the opinion that President Bush should drop Dick Cheney as his running mate. Throw it open to America! Call the show VEEP HEAP. Candidates wrestle in the mud with Michael Moore, and the ultimate survivor gets a place on the ticket, a bachelor or bachelorette of his or her choice, a full set of sterling silver, and a chance to play the drums with Paul Revere and the Raiders.


Whatever you do, America, keep on keeping it real.


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JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.

Up

07/19/04: Therapy killed the video star
03/09/04: NASCAR Dad and other societal figments
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01/22/04: Shoales to PETA: Please SHUT UP!
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08/04/03: Is the free market doomed?
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07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2003, Ian Shoales