Jewish World Review July 29, 2002 / 20 Menachem-Av 5762
http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | "Dog Bites Man" is no headline. "Man Bites Dog" is a campaign bonanza! Obviously, shameless acts of contradiction sell. Ergo, if the rhythm-challenged Janet Reno can dance for votes, the doors are now thrown wide open for so many others to throw off the shackles of their own reality and wave their particular heretofore unexposed bootie for the always much-needed moolah.
As campaign reform races ever-faster towards the strapped politicos, here are some upcoming promotional concepts that have been scheduled by those who mean to take Lady Janet's brilliant example of juxtaposition and draw from previously untapped sources of contributions and subsidies.
THE JAMES TRAFFICANT FASHION SHOW - It's the vogueiest! The finest of the world's hip style and design as the runway will be brimming with what's happenin' in fine apparel and coiffures, all described eloquently by Monsieur Trafficant's sophisticated narrative. Voila.
GRAY DAVIS' MONSTER TRACTOR PULL AND SUV DEMOLITION DERBY - Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Emissions rule at the Greenhouse Effect Arena as the governor performs wheelies and gas guzzling exhibitions of fuel waste and air polluting maneuvers with the soon to be extinct Sport Utility Van.
THE BILL SIMON MANIFESTO RECITAL - The California gubernatorial candidate joins the Beat Generation (only 45 years late) as he reads selections from his 1997-2001 tax returns and takes suggestions from the audience with which he will improvise some sort of a campaign platform.
O'DOUL'S TED KENNEDY RAVE AND BALLY'S WORKOUT - The non-alcoholic beer and wine will flow as Senator Kennedy twelve-steps his way through spinning and Tai Bo workouts while guiding supporters in sharing their past indiscretions, one day at a time.
BILL & HILLARY EXONERATION BARBECUE - There'll be plenty of sweet corn and well-done crow as Talk Radio and Fox News join forces in declaring a cease fire on the "Clintons are at fault for everything bad" agenda that has fueled their programming for the past 10 years. Rush Limbaugh, Brit Hume and Robert Novak host. Y'all come down, y'hear.
PAT BUCHANAN LIVE AT THE APOLLO - Harlem will be rockin' and rappin' all night long as the former Reform Party candidate readies himself for the 2004 election. Buchanan plans to introduce his soon to be released CD, "Pat Diddy Raps: '#@&*&* The Man And Open The Borders, 'ight?'"
THE AL GORE "MO VIN' ON" RENAISSANCE FAIRE - Hazzah! The former Vice-President un-rallies his supporters and revelers in what a release says will be a "The past is the past. I'm gonna start doing something else" celebration. Sorcery and other sleight of hand provided by the wizardry of Maid Katherine Harris. Feasting, jousting and court jestering hosted by Paul Begala and James Carville. NOTE: All Elizabethan & Dade County battle re-enactments have been canceled for this year's event.
TAILGATIN' WITH NADER'S RAIDERS - Ralph Nader bellies up to the lobbiest's bar as Enron, Adelphia. Worldcom, Tyco and AOL TimeWarner all sponsor a Green Party parking lot bash prior to the Oakland Raider's first pre-season game. Nader, who now says that his consumer oversight has been overrated and that for the first time, "consumers will be able to see that CEO's are just like real people except for their exceptional wealth built on the back of other real people and the fraudulent accounting practices that depleted the retirement statements of their employees and innocent investors." BYOB.
THE AMERICAN BAR ASSOCIATION'S CLARENCE THOMAS CONCERT - The seemingly always silent Supreme Court Justice invites all to the ABA sponsored soiree where he promises a "real happening gig!" The formerly mute Supreme pledges to not only "rock out with his peeps" but to also vote differently from Anthony Scalia on something. Backup music provided by Diana Ross.
GARY CONDIT AT THE LEARNING ANNEX - The soon-to-be ex-congressman lectures on employer ethics and sexual harassment in the workplace. Westside location.
DICK CHENEY VIEWING - The Vice President will appear...really. I'm not kidding. Held at Haliburton HQ. Sponsored by Judicial Watch.
07/23/02: Is Wall Street the enemy? No, but that's where the enemy hides