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Jewish World Review My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's not my job to get my guy elected president. It's his job to get himself elected president. As much as I like my guy, I'm not on his payroll. Every time I see something on TV that I think is unfair to my guy, it's not my job to scream at the TV. My guy has tons of media advisers who are paid well to do that. Every time I see a story in the newspaper about my guy that I think is unfair, it is not my job to write letters to the editor telling him what a low-life, bottom-feeding, amoral, unqualified, lying, empty suit he is. It's the job of my guy's guys to do that. My guy pays scads of professional, experienced political campaigners to do nothing all day but tune my guy's message into a model of common sense and wisdom, while at the same time exposing the other guy's lies, distortions and complete lack of character. It's not my job to post angry messages on the newspaper's website every time I think it has gotten something wrong. Besides, every time I do that, one of the other guy's guys replies to my post by saying something worse about my guy than what was said in the original story. After exchanging angrier and angrier posts for a few hours, not only has no one's mind been changed, but I discover that the only people reading the debate are the two participants. Ten people, tops, are reading these sizzling, articulate and factually accurate posts. It has all been an incredible waste of time, especially when my guy's guys will appear on all the Sunday morning talk shows, where they will reach an audience five or 10 times the size of our little debate. My guy's guys will set the record straight, while the other guy's guys will lie and pettifog and try to pull the wool over the eyes of unsuspecting voters. That is what they are paid well to do. It seems there is little unemployment in the pettifogging business. It is a virtual boom town. Everyone living there has a high-paying job -- the reporters, the candidates, the campaign managers, the media spokespeople, the handlers, the schedulers, the security guys, the radio and TV talk-show hosts, the political advertising people, the pundits and the guys who make the buttons, lawn signs and bumper stickers. And what do they get for all that money? Imagine trying to talk a Yankees fan into becoming a Red Sox fan, or a Bears fan into becoming a Packers fan, or any hockey team's fan into becoming another hockey team's fan. It's not going to happen. My guy would have to, figuratively, move from Brooklyn to L.A. before his fans would desert him. Other than that, my guy is getting my vote. All my friends are voting for my guy. We wonder what is wrong with the people who are voting for the other guy. Are they stupid? It occurs to me that the other guy's guys must be having the same conversation: Why would anyone vote for my guy? Are they stupid? So, if they think I'm stupid and I think they're stupid, it's easy to see why we're never going to get off on the right foot. No wonder my guy and the other guy can't work together. When I say something about the other guy, all his guys hear is, "You must think I'm stupid." I know, because when they say something about my guy, that's all I hear. Sometimes when I see one of my guy's guys on TV, I think, "I could have done a better job than that." It's not really a good sign. After all, my guy hired this guy. What does it say about him? Has the other guy hired better guys? Has my guy moved his team to LA? Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: Divorce, Facebook style Millionaires are a dime a dozen What not to name the baby Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works A bad case of the wedding bill blues Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials FOOD FIGHT! Rolling Stoned Caterwauling over death of books is premature Ask your doctor if this column is right for you Could shopping be any more inconvenient? Thanks for the lack of memories Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age Dead mice tell no tales GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS! Should bad behavior be rewarded? The perplexing problems of the rich and famous Do these glasses make my gut look big? More expensive by the dozen In one year and out the other Thank heaven it's Black Friday Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY! The Seven Secrets of Success It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid The yellow badge of cowardice Any way you slice it Home sweet homeschooling Don't Head for the Borders Money ball Golf and death go hand in hand Tune in, turn off, unplug The radar curtain Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy? The gift of garbage Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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