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Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
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Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty
April 24, 2013
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Jewish World Review
Bees deliver stinging fashion critique
By
Jim Mullen
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The shirt is magnificent. It's covered in huge red flowers that look so real you could pick them. The greens are green, the yellows are yellow, the reds are red. I've been told that when I wear it, I look like a cross between a centerpiece at a terrifically expensive wedding and a Carmen Miranda headpiece. I'm hoping that's meant as a compliment.
Friends bought me the shirt as a present while they were on a two-week cruise through the Caribbean this past winter. Somehow, they thought that reminding me they got to take an expensive vacation and I didn't would cheer me up. Or maybe they just wanted to rub it in. Still, the shirt is truly a work of art, not one of those cheap knockoffs made in some unheard-of Third World country. It was made in Pakistan, about which we hear plenty.
Much to Sue's embarrassment, I wear this shirt a lot. When I dress up, I throw a blue blazer over it. No tie necessary. Many times, I am the only person in the entire room wearing anything nearly so cheerful. That was certainly true at Shirley Maxwell's funeral.
Sue complained that the shirt was too casual. I had to explain to her that times have changed. Today, formal doesn't mean "black tie," it means "black T-shirt" (preferably one that doesn't have your favorite band's tour schedule on the back). And funerals aren't somber events anymore. We've turned them into "celebrations of life." You're no longer supposed to look unhappy that your spouse or your friends have died. You get up and tell funny stories about the deceased as if this were some big practical joke that everyone is in on except the guy in the coffin. How long before they get rid of the preacher altogether and hire comedians to plant us when our time comes?
Late yesterday afternoon, I was wearing the gift shirt and a floppy straw hat while I helped Sue in the garden. Sue doesn't usually like me to help in the garden, as it often turns out that I water the weeds and weed the plants, but she was desperate.
I was watering what I thought were tomatoes when the first bee hit, right on the shoulder. I'm not allergic to bee stings, but I am sensitive to them. A sting on the hand will make my whole hand swell. I could feel my shoulder starting to swell just as another bee got me high on my right cheek. Maybe they were angry that the flowers on my shirt held no pollen, or maybe the queen had sent them off to war, or maybe they just woke up on the wrong side of the hive.
My eye was swollen shut, parts of my lips were puffed up to three times their normal size, and my cheek was out to here. Fine, I thought. I'll take some antihistamine and wait for the swelling to go down. It didn't help.
The problem was, we had committed to dinner that night with friends at a popular restaurant. It had taken weeks to organize our schedules, and after several failed attempts, not showing up would be unforgivable.
"You should have told us!" Betty said after getting a look at my face. "We could have rescheduled. What happened?"
"Ahbummeemungme," was how "A bee stung me" came out.
Bill was also sympathetic.
"I can't eat if I have to look at that all night," he said. "You've just spoiled my appetite. I need a Scotch -- a double."
The swelling on my shoulder made me walk funny. I looked like I should be ringing the bells at Notre Dame.
"I motna smellin would gomand nah. Ivmad uneer brise weded," I said, pointing to my face and trying to explain that I thought the swelling would go down by now and, hey, I just had a near brush with death.
"I'm not talking about your face," said Bill. "The bees did you a favor. I'm talking about that shirt. Please, throw it out before more people get hurt."
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
Previously:
Have a tissue issue? Help is a phone call away
My guy's guys are better than your guy's guys
Divorce, Facebook style
Millionaires are a dime a dozen
What not to name the baby
Technology is a wonderful thing -- when it works
A bad case of the wedding bill blues
Of cupcakes, teenage moms and crazy nuptials
FOOD FIGHT!
Rolling Stoned
Caterwauling over death of books is premature
Ask your doctor if this column is right for you
Could shopping be any more inconvenient?
Thanks for the lack of memories
Help wanted: Teenage life coach with all the answers
Sorry, wrinkles are not legal proof of age
Dead mice tell no tales
GOING PAPERLESS -- PRICELESS!
Should bad behavior be rewarded?
The perplexing problems of the rich and famous
Do these glasses make my gut look big?
More expensive by the dozen
In one year and out the other
Thank heaven it's Black Friday
Planning for the long term ---- tomorrow
READING THIS WILL MAKE YOU THIN AND HAPPY!
The Seven Secrets of Success
It's tough living off the gridIt's tough living off the grid
How not to clean the houseIt's tough living off the grid
The yellow badge of cowardice
Any way you slice it
Home sweet homeschooling
Don't Head for the Borders
Money ball
Golf and death go hand in hand
Tune in, turn off, unplug
The radar curtain
Is Steve Jobs clouding my privacy?
The gift of garbage
Johnny Intern, Ph.D.
Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors
You must remember this…
TV experts and real news
Hey caller, where's the fire?
My sad cushy life
Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me
Big Brother is skinny
Flight of the snowbirds
This HDTV needs child support
Dear Future: Where's the dome?
Not so elementary, my dear Watson
A vacation revolution
Your call is very unimportant to us
Life: There's no app for that
Bam! Practical kitchen magic
Poisoning myself
Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version!
$38,000 for traffic and weather updates
2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack
2010: A year of annoying junk
Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters
Money never sleeps, but it does pass out
President Trump kept it classy
Stalking your college kid won't change a thing
Putting my life in Jeopardy
Mo' government, mo' problems
iLostIt
Dressed for excess
Expert tease
The mysteries of Jersey
You are a toilet, where am I?
Don't we all cheat at the game of life?
What happens when I forget where Google is?
Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out
Picasso fiasco
Purple (hair) Daze
Let me hear your body talk
Working from work
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
He loves only gold, only gold
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like wack Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from Little House
A parable for the ages
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
Green dumb
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative juice
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping
© 2009, NEA
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