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May: Al Qaeda vs. Hezbollah Harvard Health Letters: Fighting back against allergy season Kimberly Lankford: Grandparents who use FSA to cover grandkid's braces and other must-know info Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom:J ewish Tony Nominees/Tony Awards; Jewish Teen Actor In Sci-Fi Flick; Jewish singer in "Voice" finals The Kosher Gourmet by Anjali Prasertong: A tart filling so good it might not make it to the crust June 5, 2013 John Rosemond: Mom, Dad: Talk More and listen less Kristen Chick: Egypt court sentences 43 pro-democracy workers to prison Sharon Palmer, R.D.: Mushrooms Have Medicinal As Well As Culinary Value Morgan Housel: Why you never learn from your investment mistakes Don Lee: In China, kindergarten rivalry takes deadly turn The Kosher Gourmet by Sara Kate Gillingham-Ryan: 30-Minute Coq au Vin isn't a dream June 3, 2013 Molly Hennessy-Fiske: Military judge to consider letting Fort Hood shooting defendant represent himself Richard A. Serrano: Pvt. 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Jewish World Review The gift of garbage By Jim Mullen http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I made coffee this morning that came packaged in a smart blue tin with a gold ribbon around it and was sealed with red wax, which was embossed with a coat of arms. The container screamed class and sophistication, something you would only drink on the most special occasion -- the birth of a child, an anniversary dinner, your promotion to CEO of a major corporation, or a morning when you have forgotten to buy the no-name coffee you regularly drink from the bag-your-own-and-save supermarket. It was a gift someone had given us. I don't remember who bestowed it upon our household, nor the occasion, so they wasted their money. No doubt it cost a small fortune, which is why there was only enough to make one pot of coffee. If there was ever a time to open that gift, it was this morning. It was called something like Royal Roast Number Seven: Queen's Reserve. It's probably the same stuff Kate Middleton and Prince William drank every morning on their honeymoon. No doubt in Buckingham Palace they keep it under lock and key to keep the servants from pilfering it. I carefully loaded the drip coffee maker, filled it with expensive bottled water and turned it on. In eight minutes, I would be drinking coffee that had been hand-picked by specially trained monks who took a vow of silence, poverty and patience; monks whose only job was to keep these coffee beans from being bruised on their way from the bush to the roaster. Finally, I poured a cup. I'll never forget that first sip. It tasted like I had brewed last year's used kitty litter. I spit it out and tried to rinse the evil taste from my mouth. Coffee strained through a hobo's sock would taste better than this. As I was looking for more coffee in the cupboards, I kept finding little gift jars of food we had received over the years. Pickled cauliflower someone had bought at the county fair in a mason jar with a little swatch of gingham cloth on the top. What are we saving this for? Our next hoedown? Fancy hexagonal jars of exotic salsas with golden lids, jams and jellies in unlikely flavors -- jalapeno coconut conserve, lima bean jam, fig seaweed jelly, kangaroo-tail soup. The more I looked, the more I found beautiful, over-decorated cans, tins, bottles and jars of exotic sundries that had made it into our house. A tiny Christmas pudding from London, a cute little wooden tea caddy from Dublin, tapenade from Florence, Algerian couscous, candied kipper snacks, cactus salsa, several hot sauces from Louisiana to New Mexico, each claiming to be 10 times hotter than the bottle next to them. Since most of it claimed to be homemade, none of them have an expiration date. The fancy canister of caramel popcorn was sold to us by a neighbor's child during a high-school fundraiser. She was a sophomore then, and graduated from college two years ago. Because it was a fundraiser, we paid a dollar a kernel. I pried the lid off and found it had congealed into one large, unappetizing ball that was diamond-hard and as snack-alicious as an autopsy. There's a jar of anchovy dip some friends had sent us many Christmases ago. Is it still good? That's the trouble with anchovies -- how do you know when they've gone bad? They would taste exactly the same. Anchovy dip could easily replace fruitcake as the gift food no one wants to get for the holidays. Why hadn't we eaten any of this stuff? Because we are waiting for a special occasion. What a disaster it would have been if I had pulled out the Queen's Reserve coffee for dinner with the boss. The boss wouldn't have seen the fancy package, the wonderful tin. He would just taste the horrible coffee, realize we were trying to kill him, leave quickly and give the big raise to Roberts, the office suck-up. I'd lose my job, and we'd have to eat all that horrible stuff in the pantry to keep body and soul together. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo." Previously: Johnny Intern, Ph.D. Twenty-foot fences make good neighbors You must remember this… TV experts and real news Hey caller, where's the fire? My sad cushy life Pacemaker, don't you mess around with me Big Brother is skinny Flight of the snowbirds This HDTV needs child support Dear Future: Where's the dome? Not so elementary, my dear Watson A vacation revolution Your call is very unimportant to us Life: There's no app for that Bam! Practical kitchen magic Poisoning myself Ban Huck Finn in schools --- even the sanitized version! $38,000 for traffic and weather updates 2011 Predictions: Nostradamus was a hack 2010: A year of annoying junk Why do bad things happen to stupid people? Moving on from movie theaters Money never sleeps, but it does pass out President Trump kept it classy Stalking your college kid won't change a thing Putting my life in ‘Jeopardy’ Mo' government, mo' problems iLostIt Dressed for excess Expert tease The mysteries of Jersey ‘You are a toilet, where am I?’ Don't we all cheat at the game of life? What happens when I forget where Google is? Don't let the doorman hit you on the way out Picasso fiasco Purple (hair) ‘Daze’ Let me hear your body talk Working from work Babies deserve clean restrooms, too 3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past Money-making ideas on the fly Collecting and hoarding Chain of fools Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic A pose by any other name Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers ‘He loves only gold, only gold’ Think about direction, wonder why … Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet More like ‘wack’ Friday The good, the ad and the ugly The desert of the real Let books be large and in charge I was insulting people way before the Internet GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left! Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high Music to my ears it's not You don't light up my life Fair or not: Country living is far from ‘Little House’ A parable for the ‘ages’ Top 100 Cable news stories of the century Green dumb A developing story Thinking outside the lunch box What's good for the goose is good for the scanner Newspapers will survive, but network TV? A really big show of generation gaps When pigs flu The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated Mergers and admonitions Invest in gold: little, yellow, different Stuck in Folsom Penthouse Collecting karma Setting loose the creative ‘juice’ It's all in the numbers You're damaging your brain with practical skills The real rat pack The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic Gross-ery shopping © 2009, NEA

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