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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review June 15, 2010 / 3 Tamuz 5770

The Presinator

By A. Barton Hinkle




http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar. We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick.

--Barack Obama


FADE IN: EXT: THE GULF OF MEXICO


Open on a panoramic view from a hilltop, looking out to sea. As the camera swoops down toward shore, we see dead birds and turtles scattered across a deserted beach. Black goo washes up with the surf. The camera moves out to sea, where a large plume of oil fouls the surface. Zoom in on the USS Intrepid. In the middle of a crowd on the deck stands PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA, in a wetsuit, next to a strange machine. It looks like a cross between a robot and a deep-sea submersible.


NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: Mr. President, you can't do this.


OBAMA: I am doing this. Nothing else has capped that well. I'm tired of waiting. His SCIENTIFIC ADVISER is almost frantic: The DiveMech is still in the experimental stage! Its capabilities haven't been proven --


OBAMA steps into the DiveMech.


OBAMA: Then it's time to prove them.


NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: The pressure is too great!


OBAMA: Pressure?


CLOSE on OBAMA's face as he smiles and pauses for dramatic effect.


OBAMA: I'm the first black president of the United States. I'm fighting two wars, a major economic collapse, a vast right-wing conspiracy, a do-nothing Congress, and a bunch of tea-partiers with torches and pitchforks. And I have a vice president with a mouth that makes Helen Thomas sound like a mime. So don't talk to me about pressure. He steps into the DiveMech.


CUT TO: The ocean, underwater. The DiveMech descends, fading into the gloomy depths. We get a final glimpse of OBAMA's set jaw.


CUT TO:

Two fishermen in a rowboat, wearing Florida Marlins ball caps. They look bored. The water is dead calm. Out of nowhere a giant wave appears, launching their boat into the air and flipping it over. The fishermen come to the surface, spluttering. FISHERMAN 1: What the hell was that?!


CUT TO:

The deck of the Intrepid. OBAMA is stripping out of his wetsuit. His pectorals are like chiseled granite. His steely gaze holds a mixture of sated rage and grim satisfaction. He's the Incredible Hunk.


NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER: The nuclear blast plugged the leak, Mr. President. Congratulations. It's over.


OBAMA: Over? He pauses for dramatic effect.


OBAMA: I'm just warming up.


CUT TO: INT: The boardroom of British Petroleum, Westminster, England.


MEN IN SUITS are seated around a vast and gleaming table.


A SMUG LAWYER closes a file folder.


SMUG LAWYER: And that, gentlemen, is how we will completely avoid any liability for our little mishap in the Gulf.


MAN IN SUIT: Sebastian, you're a bloody genius. A shame you shan't use your powers for good instead of evil! The other MEN IN SUITS laugh evilly and British-ly.


CUT TO: INT: The lobby of BP headquarters. It has a revolving door with two standard doors on either side of it. All three doors are unlocked, but BARACK OBAMA doesn't use any of them. He crashes Cadillac One, the presidential limousine, through the large plate-glass window and steps out from behind the wheel. He's wearing ripstop nylon battle dress fatigues, black boots, and mirrored aviator sunglasses. He is carrying a Benelli M4 Super 90 shotgun in one hand. A 5.56mm Colt M4A1 carbine is slung across his back. He has a SOG SEAL knife with a seven-inch, powder-coated blade and a Zytel handle sheathed in Kydex strapped to his leg.

SECURITY GUARD: 'Ere now, guv'nor! Wot's the meaning o' this?


OBAMA: Governor? That's 'Mr. President' to you, pal. As OBAMA strides toward the interior the SECURITY GUARD tries to stop him, but OBAMA does something with his hands so fast we can't follow the movement. The SECURITY GUARD falls to the ground.


CUT TO: INT: The BP Boardroom. The evil, British-y laughter dies abruptly as BARACK OBAMA bursts in, then stops and pauses for dramatic effect. His gaze falls on BP CEO TONY HAYWARD, who has remained motionless in his chair while his frightened minions scurry to the far side of the room.


HAYWARD: We meet at last. OBAMA says nothing. His steely gaze seems to pin HAYWARD to his chair.


HAYWARD: You have me at a disadvantage, sir. I am unarmed. That hardly seems sporting. OBAMA says nothing, but slowly and deliberately tosses his guns aside. In one smooth movement HAYWARD pushes back, vaults onto the table, and lands in a martial-arts crouch. They fight. They fight some more. And then some more. HAYWARD seems to be gaining the upper hand, but then OBAMA rallies, stuns HAYWARD with a series of devastating body blows, and finishes him off with a jumping back hook kick. As HAYWARD falls back on the desk OBAMA draws his SOG SEAL knife and slams it down through HAYWARD'S coat, pinning him to the table.


OBAMA: Next time, Hayward . . . I'll plug you, too.


CUT TO: INT: The Oval Office at sunset. OBAMA casts a long shadow as he stands in front of the window, hands clasped behind his back. He seems to throb with power, even in repose. A long silence, then we hear a door open.


NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER (O.C.): Mr. President? OBAMA turns his head ever so slightly.


NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISER (STILL O.C.): We've -- sir, we've found Osama bin Laden. He's holed up in a cave in South Waziristan. Right where you said he'd be. OBAMA nods slowly.


OBAMA: Thanks. I'll handle it. Have Air Force One fueled and waiting on the tarmac in half an hour. We hear the door close. OBAMA turns around and opens his desk drawer. He takes out his SOG SEAL knife and begins to hone the edge. FADE OUT.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

A. Barton Hinkle is Deputy Editor of the Editorial Pages at Richmond Times-Dispatch Comment by clicking here.


Previously:



05/26/10: More than equal
04/08/10: Angry Right Takes a Page From Angry Left but guess who is ‘ugly’?
02/16/10: Either Obama owes George W. Bush an apology, or he owes the rest of us a very good explanation for his about-face on wiretapping
02/03/10: Talkin' to us 'tards
01/27/10: I never thought I'd see the day when progressives would howl in ragebecause the Supreme Court said government should not ban books

01/07/10: Gun-Control Advocates Play Fast and Loose
12/31/09: Nearly everything progressives say about neoconservative interventionism abroad applies to their own preferred policies at home





© 2010, A. Barton Hinkle

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