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Jewish World Review
June 9, 2009
/ 17 Sivan 5769
First Lady Macbeth's the man, so in your face, Eminem
The bizarre emasculation of rapper Eminem at the MTV Movie Awards — by a hairy pixie with fluffy wings played by an actor known to most of the world as Borat — has apparently turned out to be a publicity stunt.
As if I care.
Either way, I can't eat Raisin Bran ever again.
"Yes, the incident was staged," said Scott Aukerman, the show's head writer, on a blog post that was later taken down. "That's all anyone wants to talk about, so let's get it out of the way."
No, let's not.
What's amazing is that in two staged incidents on "reality TV", who would have thought that former Illinois First Lady Macbeth, Patti Blagojevich, sweating in a jungle, eating disgusting bugs for money, would come off looking better than Eminem?
When it comes to Patti versus Eminem, Patti's the man.
The video from the MTV Movie Awards has gone viral. Eminem's chin and the hairy-legged butt-nakedness of Sacha Baron Cohen, the guy who starred in "Borat," formed a fleshy isosceles triangle of horror. I saw it on TV news while eating Raisin Bran for breakfast, and I'll never be able to enjoy another bowl as long as I live.
Cohen descended on a wire from the sky as Bruno, his flamboyantly gay character, with fluffy white fairy wings, a hairy pixie fluttering over the crowd. The wire malfunctioned — part of the stunt — so he was forced to plop his naked behind on Eminem's upper chest.
TV called it "A Face-full of Tush." But the tush was the part the audience saw. They were the lucky ones. Eminem confronted the dark side, and he shook his head, groaning, whimpering something like "Get him off of me! Get him off!" in a high-pitched voice.
Then the rapper turned on his heels and huffed out of the arena, his sheepish entourage trailing behind him. Now, all that's left is for Eminem to head for the Costa Rican jungle and reflect on his shame.
Though I've never listened to a complete rap song in my life, everybody knows that for a rapper, street cred is everything, more important even than the rabid pit bulls. But how can Eminem have street cred when he agreed to allow his chin to be scraped by Borat's behind?
"All I can say, it's a good thing Borat didn't try it with 50 Cent," said my friend Big Paul. "If Borat came flying out of the sky with little white wings and touched his (you know) on 50 Cent's forehead, you know what would happen?"
"Borat be dead," Big Paul said.
It's not just rappers who must jealously guard their public persona.
"Imagine if he tried it with Joe Walsh?" a guy named Tony asked. "What if he tried it with Ted Nugent?" another guy said.
We imagined Borat stumbling, pincushioned by Ted's flaming arrows. Or Ted stringing Borat's dried tendons on his guitar, as a haunch of salted Borat turns nicely on a spit over hot coals, Ted whetting his Bowie knife, humming "Cat Scratch Fever."
If a fading star is going to be humiliated in a choreographed stunt, they should get something out of it, like Patti Blagojevich did on "I'm a Celebrity ... Get Me Out of Here!"
She's playing Lord of the Flies with other attention freaks. Don't you feel sorry for them, including Lou Diamond Phillips?
Phillips must still be serially depressed. His wife left him for singer Melissa Etheridge, who is also tougher than Eminem. Etheridge decided that the former Mrs. Phillips would become impregnated by the seed of geezer hippie singer David Crosby, still barely alive, and Mrs. Phillips bore two children.
Now Lou stares into the fire in the jungle.
Meanwhile, Patti seems to have learned something from her father, Dick Mell, the powerful Chicago alderman. She allows others to comfort her, thus drawing them in like stupid flies who think she's weak.
Patti told the other jungle people that her husband, former Gov. Rod Blagojevich, was set up by corrupt Illinois Democrats who didn't like him helping children and seniors. If they're smart, the machine bosses will order their patronage armies to call the show and vote Patti off to shut her up.
"When you fight the special interests down in that entrenched state capital — you make these huge enemies," Patti said, and I thought of Rod smiling as his wife tainted his federal jury pool. Then came Patti's tearful prayer with the two villainous flies, Stupid Heidi and the Evil Spencer.
"The truth shall be revealed," Heidi prayed on the show, "and I pray that he (Rod) will triumph in your name and that they will be delivered from this evil and oppression."
Clearly, Patti won a victory, just by getting her message out. Later she cried, saying, "When you hear your own hopes and dreams out loud, it's kind of touching."
Eminem and Patti both engaged in touching moments. But there's only one you can watch while eating a cereal with two scoops of raisins in every box.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.
05/12/09: Judge Sotomayor would think me most unwise
05/12/09: Parents, enjoy this time, in all its creepiness
03/18/09: Stem cell policy shift brings a sinking feeling
03/09/09: Name That Blago Book contest names its winner
03/05/09: Contest: Name Blagojevich's book
02/16/09: Dems undercut aid for U.S. workers
01/20/09: Let the carving begin on Tombstone's tomb
01/12/09: Obama serves Reid taste of Chicago Way
01/02/09: Jesters don't pick up the race card in a nationally televised news conference and slam it into the face of every Dem in the Senate, a palm heel strike to the tip of the nose, leaving all of them watery-eyed, their lips stinging
12/24/08: Governor waxes poetic, but Combine rolls on
12/23/08: Got corruption? Get Jesse Junior G-Man
12/18/08: Will feditis spread to Obama and Daley?
12/15/08: Man behind curtain is wizard of Rod, Rahm
© 2008, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.
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