When Paris Hilton puts out a book about doing time, it's sure to be a
best-seller. Right up there with the Alec Baldwin "Guide to Parenting" and
Sheryl Crow's "Toilet Training Manual: A Square a Day Keeps the Health
No doubt there will be a multi-million dollar contract and a
working title like "The Simple Life Behind Bars," or "Paris Goes to the
A friend asked, if she were arrested for a similar crime and
sentenced to jail, whether I thought she could garner similar publicity.
"Depends," I said. "Paris has spent a lot of time building a
reputation and a following."
"You're saying I'm not popular?"
"I'm saying you might lack credentials. For example, would a
tabloid pay a million bucks for a picture of you in the back seat of a
"I'd be lucky if they paid 19 cents for a digital print at the drug store.."
"Exactly. And, do you party till you puke? Do you carry a dog in your
purse? Can you look dumb, act dumb and talk dumb?"
"Are you insane?"
"Listen, don' t get snippy; you're the one who asked what I
thought your chances were. Are you an heiress? What does your dad do?"
"You know I'm not an heiress and my dad does cardio rehab and sometimes he
"Not good enough. He needs to make a boatload of money, own a franchise of
something and have a famous last name. I hate to tell you, but it's not
looking good. But maybe your hair . . . . how do you feel about going blond?"
"That one L'oreal and I could do."
"Great. Now show me your best spoiled-little-rich-girl-pout."
My friend squints her eyes and furrows her brow.
"That's not a pout, that's a scorn! You've been a mom too long.
Think 2-year-old throwing a tantrum. Jut your jaw and stick out your bottom
"I spent years wiping that look off my kids' faces; I'm not going
to put it on my own."
"Then I think you can plan on being locked away without any
fanfare, CNN, FOX News, and paparazzi chronicling every time you jerk your
head and flick your hair. There might be one thing "
"How are you stocked for sunglasses? Paris always wears sunglasses when she
wants to create a stir. They have to be big, a cross between early Sally
Jesse Raphael and something left over from the Kennedy administration."
"I may have a pair in the toy box."
"Things are looking up. How are you with hamburgers?"
"Fine. I like them with anything ketchup, mustard, pickles, onion."
"No, no! Could you slither around, pant like a dog and dance in a
pair of short shorts for a hamburger commercial?"
"Look at this body. It doesn't dance for burgers, it eats burgers."
"Sorry, but with squeaky clean credentials like yours, the only
cameras following you will be the surveillance ones on the automatic