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Jewish World Review June 22, 2007 / 6 Tamuz, 5767 Paris wannabe lacks credentials By Lori Borgman http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When Paris Hilton puts out a book about doing time, it's sure to be a best-seller. Right up there with the Alec Baldwin "Guide to Parenting" and Sheryl Crow's "Toilet Training Manual: A Square a Day Keeps the Health Department Away." No doubt there will be a multi-million dollar contract and a working title like "The Simple Life Behind Bars," or "Paris Goes to the Pokey." A friend asked, if she were arrested for a similar crime and sentenced to jail, whether I thought she could garner similar publicity. "Depends," I said. "Paris has spent a lot of time building a reputation and a following." "You're saying I'm not popular?" "I'm saying you might lack credentials. For example, would a tabloid pay a million bucks for a picture of you in the back seat of a squad car? "I'd be lucky if they paid 19 cents for a digital print at the drug store.." "Exactly. And, do you party till you puke? Do you carry a dog in your purse? Can you look dumb, act dumb and talk dumb?" "Are you insane?" "Listen, don' t get snippy; you're the one who asked what I thought your chances were. Are you an heiress? What does your dad do?" "You know I'm not an heiress and my dad does cardio rehab and sometimes he gardens." "Not good enough. He needs to make a boatload of money, own a franchise of something and have a famous last name. I hate to tell you, but it's not looking good. But maybe your hair . . . . how do you feel about going blond?" "That one L'oreal and I could do." "Great. Now show me your best spoiled-little-rich-girl-pout." My friend squints her eyes and furrows her brow. "That's not a pout, that's a scorn! You've been a mom too long. Think 2-year-old throwing a tantrum. Jut your jaw and stick out your bottom lip." "I spent years wiping that look off my kids' faces; I'm not going to put it on my own." "Then I think you can plan on being locked away without any fanfare, CNN, FOX News, and paparazzi chronicling every time you jerk your head and flick your hair. There might be one thing " "What?" "How are you stocked for sunglasses? Paris always wears sunglasses when she wants to create a stir. They have to be big, a cross between early Sally Jesse Raphael and something left over from the Kennedy administration." "I may have a pair in the toy box." "Things are looking up. How are you with hamburgers?" "Fine. I like them with anything — ketchup, mustard, pickles, onion." "No, no! Could you slither around, pant like a dog and dance in a pair of short shorts for a hamburger commercial?" "Look at this body. It doesn't dance for burgers, it eats burgers." "Sorry, but with squeaky clean credentials like yours, the only cameras following you will be the surveillance ones on the automatic doors." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here. ARCHIVES © 2007, Lori Borgman

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