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Jewish World Review June 16, 2006 / 20 Sivan, 5766 There's No Cure for This Ringworm: Call the FCC! I'm at it again By Gene Weingarten
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
A few months ago, I promised to stop telephoning customer service reps and harassing them with idiot questions. I said it was a solid promise, and it was.
Today, I am asking only about liquids.
Schweppes Ginger Ale
Me: I have a great idea for your product. It could double or triple your sales overnight.
Joanne: And what would that be?
Me: Market half of your product as Ginger Ale, but market the other half as . . . Mary Ann Ale.
Joanne:
Me: You see what I mean? Guys would be voting whenever they purchased their beverage of choice! Coke drinkers would be buying your product like there is no tomorrow, just to register their preference in women. The single most primitive and overpowering human instinct — mating — can be put to use as a potent marketing tool.
Joanne: Actually, that's a clever idea.
Me: I don't even like ginger ale, but I'm buying Mary Ann Ale in a heartbeat.
Joanne: I will forward this to marketing.
Me: You'd better be telling the truth. 'Cause if you're not, my next call is to Canada Dry.
Joanne: Actually, Canada Dry is our brand, too.
Me: Drat.
Cutex Quick & Gentle nail polish remover
Me: I have a question about your product.
Dominique: Okay . . .
Me: This is what it says on the back of the bottle — "Warning: Extremely flammable. Vapors may ignite. In case of eye contact, immediately flush with plenty of water for at least 15 minutes. Contact physician. Harmful if ingested. In case of accidental ingestion, give fluids liberally and consult with local poison control center. Harmful to synthetic fabrics and wood finishes.''
Dominique: Right.
Me: Now, here's my question. The actual name of this product, right on the bottle, is "Cutex Quick & Gentle." My question is, how are you defining "gentle"? Under that definition, for example, would a jackhammer applied to one's face be gentle?
Me: Isn't that like saying a guillotine is gentle because, used as intended, it doesn't harm your elbows?
Dreft baby laundry detergent
Me: How did you come up with the name for this product?
Dan: Dreft?
Me: Right. It just doesn't seem like a whole lot of effort went into the choice. Was the first runner-up "Fnith" or "Blech," or something?
Dan: I'm not sure. Let me do some research.
[Three minutes on hold.]
Dan: Okay, apparently "Dreft" means "germaceptic."
Me: It does not!
Dan: Well, that's what it says here in the product history. It has the word "germaceptic" in parentheses after the word "Dreft."
Me: That's not a definition.
Dan: Maybe not.
Me: I'm looking in the dictionary, and there is no "dreft."There's "dree," which means "dreary or tedious," followed by "dreggy," which means "foul."
Dan:
Me: Can I suggest a new name?
Dan: Sure.
Me: "Spanking Clean! — The Tough Love Baby Detergent." The baby on the bottle could be crying.
Dan: We appreciate your feedback.
Tropicana Pure Premium Orange Juice
Me: Hi, I purchased your eight-ounce premium carton, the one with the sippy straw attached. I am very dissatisfied.
Jen: I'm sorry to hear about that.
Me: The picture on the carton shows the straw inserted in the side of an orange. I tried it and couldn't get anything out, no matter how hard I sucked.
Jen: That picture is just an advertisement. It is not actually depicting that you can use the straw in that manner. You are supposed to drink the juice in the carton.
Me: There was juice in the carton?
Jen: Yes, there were eight ounces of juice.
Me: Oh. I just threw the carton away.
Jen: What did you think this product was?
Me: I thought it was basically a special straw.
Jen: I'm not sure where you got that impression, sir.
Me: I'm feeling a little dumb now.
Jen: I don't know what to tell you about that, sir.
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Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.
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