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Jewish World Review June 29, 2006 / 3 Tamuz 5766 All the Classified Info That's Fit to Disclose By James Lileks
If The Times learned that U.S. troops were force-feeding Gitmo detainees with Coca-Cola, they wouldn't publish Coke's secret formula. They might get sued. If there's a CIA program that uses offensive cartoons of Muhammad to communicate with agents, they'll keep mum, lest they have to publish the images. But secret law-enforcement-type programs as classified as the access code to The Times' top-floor elevator? Fair game. You've got the right to know.
Here's a look ahead to new, vital scoops.
Aug. 21, 2006: "Super-stealthy surveillance drone emits high-frequency sounds harmful to dogs," a story announces. "Classified documents personally unsealed by Times editor Bill Keller reveal the latest spy drones cause dogs to run in circles, barking uncontrollably." Asked whether this might cause terrorists to start keeping dogs, a Times spokesman said it was unlikely, as they struck him more as cat people.
What's more, the terrorists probably assumed they were being watched. The spokesman references The Times story on classified satellites that could see through roofs at night from space, unless the roofs were covered with two layers of aluminum foil. "Thanks to that story," the spokesman adds, "the satellite has only been used one-tenth of the time, which adds considerably to its longevity." He also references a story on Baghdad's booming aluminum-installation trade as one of those "good news" stories bloggers are always demanding.
Sept. 10, 2006: The Times runs a story about a CIA agent named Mohammed al-Ghouri, 1234 Oceanside Boulevard, Evanston, Ill., who is attempting to penetrate a radical sleeper cell suspected of having 19 liters of homemade mustard gas. The series concludes with the agent's obituary, and a moving quote from a CIA historian noting that "al-Ghouri was one of that rare, brave breed whose names and deeds are rarely known. Except in this case, of course."
Criticized for blowing the agent's cover, a Times spokesman tartly notes that "this man is — sorry, was — a government employee, and if he's using taxpayer money to take terrorists out to lunch, we think the people ought to know, if only so they judge the menu items chosen on behalf of the government. Was veal consumed? Because a lot of people are sensitive to the veal issue."
Feb. 14, 2007: Times Editor Keller approves publication of the Pentagon's plans for a Feb. 15 strike on Iran, asserting that "there has been far too little debate about whether the sustained assault by cruise missiles and stealth bombers will provide a cover for the infiltration of several SpecOps teams from the Iraqi and Afghan bases, or whether these groups, code-named `Red Six' and `Blue Fourteen' respectively, might suffer friendly fire. One error in timing, such as the barrage scheduled for 3 a.m. on the night of the 24th, could expose our troops to great harm. If this leads to a debate about whether the Tomahawk missile can be sent slightly off course by a concentrated microwave burst, as classified documents seem to suggest, it's a debate we need to have."
April 1, 2007: Speaking before Congress — specifically, the Visitors Gallery, where he suddenly stands and begins to orate — Keller demands that the Senate declare the First Amendment "the bestest amendment ever" and highlight it in the Bill of Rights with a yellow marker. He is removed.
Oct. 31, 2007: Rumors in The Times newsroom indicate that Keller has become a believer in the "Hidden Editor" sect of journalism. This sect believes that if newspapers create enough chaos in the world, the hidden, or Twelfth, editor will appear. This will institute a reign of peace, justice, rising circulation rates, an eternal lock on the classifieds market, and a general agreement that Walter Duranty was correct: Ukrainians really did starve themselves to death out of patriotic fervor.
Jan. 27, 2008: Keller's replacement announces that The Times will begin running comic strips. Four full pages, from Garfield to Blondie. New York intellectuals are finally horrified. Subscribers cancel in droves.
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JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
© 2006, James Lileks |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
