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Jewish World Review June 15, 2006 / 19 Sivan 5766 Al-Qaida to Denmark: Bring it on By James Lileks
From the desk of Abu Yassin al-Noobei, al-Qaida No. 1 in Iraq as of 11:17
this morning.
Greetings in these trying times. Thank you for the many encouragements and
gifts, especially the box of delicious dates, although I must note that
one of the dates has been beeping softly since I opened the package. If
this is some manner of insect, I request that you refrain in the future
from —
Tarry a moment; there's a plane overhead; wonder if it's a ...
(Rest of document is burned)
# # #
(Captured document No. 2323J)
>From under the desk of Abu Hamza al-Muhajer, al-Qaida's No. 1 man in Iraq
as of 14:41 this afternoon.
In the name of Allah the merciful and peaceful, I bring you news of
pitiless vengeance. Victory is near! Thanks to the bombs of the Crusaders
— Satan curse their on-board guidance systems — al-Zarqawi has
been delivered to heaven, after a brief detour through a window frame. I
know all the joyous martyrdoms have made for a hectic week. Personally, my
face aches from smiling and my teeth hurt from all the cake, and I have a
cramp in my hand from all the paperwork. (On behalf of the Human Resources
section, I would request that you cut down on the number of wives, as it
makes pension disbursement rather complicated.) At the risk of dampening
your commendable ardor, however, I would request that everyone refrain
from glorious dying for a few weeks while we regroup.
This does not mean we are not winning. Some people look at a man who has
been gravely wounded and see him as half defeated; I look at him and say
he is half martyred.
Nevertheless, there are issues that need to be addressed.
1. The Crusaders have made several dozen raids since al-Zarqawi's release
from mortal concerns, and each raid leads to more. I must repeat: Stop
printing out Google Maps and leaving them around. At least clear your
browser history, brothers.
2. You may have read reports that al-Zarqawi had in his possession a
tiger-skin negligee. This is infidel propaganda. He was a man of the
highest moral standards. The suggestion that he made his bride, whom he
nobly made full with child when she was 14, wear such a sinful garment is
meant to weaken your spirit, and make you think of slim, dark-eyed, ripe
women draped in the clothing of wild beasts, lips parted, exhaling the
softest perfume of —
3. All warriors must take four cold showers a day, not two.
4. Making a whistling sound with a descending pitch in my presence was
funny the first time. We all had a good laugh. It is hereby forbidden.
5. Our attempts to win the hearts and minds of impoverished Iraqis are not
helped when you buy the extended warranty on a car you intend to explode.
6. Finally, patience is our ally. We need not defeat the Americans, only
outlast them. Have they not abandoned every battlefield they ever entered?
Besides Germany, Japan, Korea, Kosovo and Afghanistan, of course. But just
as they left Somalia when their "Democrats" took power, so will they leave
Iraq when the criminal Zionist Bush regime is replaced by a slightly less
criminal, albeit equally Zionist, Democratic regime. The Democrats wish to
quit the war and return to their important issues, such as permitting men
to marry, have a child with the cloning of cells and then abort it. Such a
people cannot fight; they can only beseech the United Nations to send
Danes to frown from great distances. And I need not remind you that no one
was ever killed by a 226-kilogram laser-guided Dane.
Patience, my brothers. All we need to do is saw off enough heads, and they
will lose theirs without the blade touching their tender throats. Now if
you will excuse me, I need to speak with my bodyguards. One of them is
making that whistling sound again. If I told them once, I told them —
(Document ends)
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JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
© 2006, James Lileks |
Mitch Albom | |||||||||||
