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Jewish World Review June 6, 2006 / 10 Sivan 5766 Advice for the GOP: Want to remain in power? Pretend there's a viable energy policy that goes beyond running cars with Mazola By James Lileks
Conservation is wise, of course; the GOP should come out against parking your Yukon in the desert with the windows down and the AC running. Electric cars are nice — just plug them into the wall, and they recharge with pixie dust! Or coal, or something. Whatever. Bird-shredding wind farms will help out too, and they're very pretty. But until we have Mr. Fusion personal reactors that run on coffee grounds and beer cans, these measures are insufficient to meet our future needs. So press for nuclear energy, and lots of it.
If someone brings up Chernobyl, point out that hungover Russians will not be building our plants. If someone brings up "The China Syndrome," note that more people have probably been injured driving to a Jane Fonda movie than harmed by nuclear power. But that's just the start. Get behind ANWR drilling, and if someone asks if it's worth disturbing barren wilderness so a soccer mom can drive her SUV, answer, "Yes." You'd be surprised how well that polls. Especially among soccer moms.
Press for laws that open up the coasts to drilling, too. If people complain that the rigs will spoil the ocean view, propose legislation that will dismantle the Washington Monument, whose oil-rig-style shape obviously ruins the peace of the Reflecting Pool. Hire Jon Stewart's audience to whoop at your rhetorical comeback, because in the modern style of debating, that'll mean you're right.
Propose tax breaks for new refinery construction, funded by raiding the National Endowment for the Arts budget. When the usual suspects shriek, note that affordable gas is more important to national security than subsidized dance performances about transgendered Tibetan goatherds. The removal of a subsidy will be seen as an attempt to "censor" the arts and return us to the stifling cultural conformity of the '50s, when it was illegal not to watch "The Dinah Shore Show." Ignore the critics. There are worse things than snooty Washington Post arts section articles that accuse you of philistinism. Five dollar gas is one of them.
What's the downside? It's not possible for the left to demagogue the GOP's Mother Earth policy any more than they have. President Bush could invent a time machine, go back to the 19th century, impose the Kyoto accords and smother the inventor of the internal-combustion engine in his crib, and the GOP would still be regarded as the party that wants to drive Hummers through melting glaciers. Those evil conservatives hate the Earth! They have a secret spare planet on the other side of the sun. Of course they don't care about anything.
That's the reality. Deal with it. Accept a few tepid hellos from Sierra Club lobbyists at the next rubber-chicken soiree; you'll live. Eventually, we'll have to face facts about our insufficient self-reliance — call it an inconvenient truth, if you must. Be the party whose plan doesn't consist of putt-putt hybrids and the goodwill of Iran and Venezuela. Nukes and rigs; big, chuffing refineries. Jobs. Energy independence. It's a bit more inspirational than expecting Nancy Pelosi to wave her hands and trump the laws of supply and demand.
What do the Democrats have to offer, anyway? Demonization of oil companies, "windfall profits" taxes, regulatory strangleholds that forbid drilling anyplace photogenic, punitive sanctions on heavy cars. (Congressional limos excepted, of course.) Best of all: Sen. Clinton has suggested we reimpose the 55 mph speed limit. And a grateful nation cried out, "Huzzah!"
Or not. On second thought, GOP strategists should ignore everything above. Concentrate on Sen. Clinton's proposal. It's perfect: economic malaise, Vietnam redux, diplomatic impotence toward Iran and double-nickel speed limits. Pass a law that lets Jimmy Carter run for president again. Watch the Democrats vote yes. Trap sprung! Victory assured.
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JWR contributor James Lileks is a columnist for the Minneapolis Star Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
© 2006, James Lileks |
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