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Jewish World Review June 29, 2005 / 22 Sivan, 5765 Disorder du jour on everyone's menu By Lenore Skenazy
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Item: Nearly half of Americans suffer from some form of mental illness at some point during their lives, says a National Institute of Mental Health study. . . . Many of these problems are mild and temporary. — The Week, June 24
A few temporary mild mental illnesses observed in the course of a day:
Hairanoia: The suspicion that everybody is just saying they love your new haircut, but secretly laughing at it.
Kinsomnia: The inability to fall asleep once one starts thinking about one's family.
Psyintology: To feel wildly conflicting emotions about Tom Cruise. On the one hand, he's a control-freak cult-member nut job. On the other hand, my GOD is he gorgeous. All is forgiven, Tom! Or is it? No. Yes! No. Yes!
Seasonings Affective Disorder: Manifested by the need to "kick things up a notch" even if things taste just fine the way they are.
Hippocondria: The conviction that one's hips look about a mile wide in the outfit one stupidly chose to wear today.
Post Traumatic Dress Disorder: Rage and guilt focused on a bride after she has ordered mauve pouf dresses for her bridesmaids and you are one of them.
Delusions of Grandes: Compulsive fantasizing about one's next Starbucks, even while sipping a Frappucino right now.
Shleptomania: Going from store to store even though you don't really know what you want and are maxed out on your credit cards anyway.
Obsessive-Complainer Disorder: Manifests itself in sing-song statements of fatigue, boredom and the wish to do, eat or be something else. Also see: Whines, whining, whiners, children.
ATMnesia: The inability to remember where you put your bank card moments after you have completed a cash machine transaction.
Bi-stroller Disorder: To experience violent fantasies while being stuck behind someone with a double stroller hogging the whole sidewalk, especially if that someone is on her cell phone.
Clinical Cynical Syndrome: To reply to any idea proposed by a thoughtful adult with, "Yeah, right," or, "Okay, okay already!" Technically known as "adolescence."
Duhlirium: The inability to stop responding with the word, "Duh," when someone is trying to explain something.
Dementionate: Compulsively nice behavior — the lending of money, sharing of fries, remembering of birthdays — sparking waves of unworthiness on the part of the recipient.
Pirromania: Obsessive desire to see Jeanine Pirro run for office. Any office.
Passive-Agassive: The compulsion to make rude noises. (See: "Boys.")
Festive-Aggressive: To insist on wearing a party dress, even to the sandbox. (See: "Girls.")
Iraqnaphobia: The inability to turn on the TV or radio for fear of becoming seriously depressed.
Iranaphobia: As yet undiagnosed. Stay tuned.
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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here. © 2005, NY Daily News |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
