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Jewish World Review June 9, 2005 / 2 Sivan, 5765 A prenup? That's hot! By Lenore Skenazy
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
This is my official prenup, to take effect upon my nupping.
I, Paris Hilton, being of sound mind and body — especially body, right? I mean, that's pretty obvious if you've ever seen me on film or TV or — shame on you! - the Internet.
But anyway, if you HAVE seen that tape — which, for the record, I'm still steamed about, even though it did mysteriously appear on the Internet just as my show, "The Simple Life," debuted — you can be sure I'm of sound body.
I just wish that that many people saw my REAL movie. It was called ... um ... something about waxing. The only people who did see it were the critics, and boy are they critical! Jealous jerks. Not everyone can be the sexy, young star of a timeless Carl's Jr. burger ad! Eat your heart out, Roger Ebert.
But anyway, this is an official document, so let's get on with it. Why is everyone always talking about my body? "Oh Paris, you're so sexy!" If I hear that one more time I'm going to yank my pasties off in sheer frustration. People think it's funny, but it's hot! I mean not!
So, prenuptially, let me state that I am a rich person named Paris — not to be confused with my spouse-to-be, who is a rich person named Paris. Furthermore, it shall be duly noted that whatever moolah Paris has upon entering this marriage shall return to Paris at the end — not Paris. And vice versa.
See, who needs a lawyer when you can write one of these things yourself? "Oh Paris, you're so well-versed in legal thingies." How come nobody ever says that?
So, I asked Paris (not the naked one in the mirror) what else I should add and he said, "Put in something about our, like, estates." So here it is. My favorite estate is New York! But I'd be willing to live in whatever estate he likes best. California, Greece, Athens — all good. Just not on a FARM. If I ever live on a farm again, it cannot be the kind with animals and crops. That's just skanky. Have you ever tried to milk a cow? It's a lot harder than riding a cow, believe me. And it takes longer, too.
And without any liens on my property. Unless "liens" are houses. Nobody ever really tells you what "liens" are, do they?
I also hereby promise to keep my paws — and Tinkerbell's — off my dear Paris' inheritance, if he keeps his paws off mine. And off Tinkerbell! Ewww!
This document shall be in effect till divorce do we part. Or maybe it goes into effect WHEN we divorce. Whatever. It doesn't really matter because our marriage is going to last until the cows come home.
Which hopefully they won't.
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JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here. © 2005, NY Daily News |
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