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April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review June 9, 2005 / 2 Sivan, 5765

A prenup? That's hot!

By Lenore Skenazy


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | This is my official prenup, to take effect upon my nupping.

I, Paris Hilton, being of sound mind and body — especially body, right? I mean, that's pretty obvious if you've ever seen me on film or TV or — shame on you! - the Internet.

But anyway, if you HAVE seen that tape — which, for the record, I'm still steamed about, even though it did mysteriously appear on the Internet just as my show, "The Simple Life," debuted — you can be sure I'm of sound body.

I just wish that that many people saw my REAL movie. It was called ... um ... something about waxing. The only people who did see it were the critics, and boy are they critical! Jealous jerks. Not everyone can be the sexy, young star of a timeless Carl's Jr. burger ad! Eat your heart out, Roger Ebert.

But anyway, this is an official document, so let's get on with it. Why is everyone always talking about my body? "Oh Paris, you're so sexy!" If I hear that one more time I'm going to yank my pasties off in sheer frustration. People think it's funny, but it's hot! I mean not!

So, prenuptially, let me state that I am a rich person named Paris — not to be confused with my spouse-to-be, who is a rich person named Paris. Furthermore, it shall be duly noted that whatever moolah Paris has upon entering this marriage shall return to Paris at the end — not Paris. And vice versa.

See, who needs a lawyer when you can write one of these things yourself? "Oh Paris, you're so well-versed in legal thingies." How come nobody ever says that?

So, I asked Paris (not the naked one in the mirror) what else I should add and he said, "Put in something about our, like, estates." So here it is. My favorite estate is New York! But I'd be willing to live in whatever estate he likes best. California, Greece, Athens — all good. Just not on a FARM. If I ever live on a farm again, it cannot be the kind with animals and crops. That's just skanky. Have you ever tried to milk a cow? It's a lot harder than riding a cow, believe me. And it takes longer, too.

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But back to prenuppy thoughts! I enter this marriage without any children. Without any debts (except to all the great actresses who have influenced me, like Meryl Streep).

And without any liens on my property. Unless "liens" are houses. Nobody ever really tells you what "liens" are, do they?

I also hereby promise to keep my paws — and Tinkerbell's — off my dear Paris' inheritance, if he keeps his paws off mine. And off Tinkerbell! Ewww!

This document shall be in effect till divorce do we part. Or maybe it goes into effect WHEN we divorce. Whatever. It doesn't really matter because our marriage is going to last until the cows come home.

Which hopefully they won't.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Lenore Skenazy is a columnist for The New York Daily News. Comment by clicking here.

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© 2005, NY Daily News

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