Jewish World Review June 20, 2005 / 13 Sivan, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tom Cruise interrupted his publicity tour for his new film
War of the Worlds on Friday to propose to actress Katie Holmes in
Paris. The man is a genius. What better way to publicize the War
of the Worlds than to get married for the third time.
The Treasury Department reported record tax revenues on
Friday, citing a much improved U.S. economy. Many are skeptical.
Starting next month, General Motors is offering customers a laid-
off auto worker with the purchase of each GM car or truck.
Hillary Clinton won the presidential straw poll in South
Carolina Thursday due to her star power. There's a new bounce in
her walk this week. It's from knowing she is now such a celebrity
she could kill Bill in Los Angeles and get away with it.
Senator Dick Durbin said Friday he's sorry for comparing
Guantanamo prisoner interrogation methods to the Nazis. Lawmakers
are way too quick with the Hitler references lately. Congress is
so polarized now that anytime a senator asks for a second piece of
pie in the cafeteria he is accused of seizing the Sudetenland.
The New York Mercantile Exchange said Friday that crude oil
prices soared to a record fifty-eight dollars a barrel. It's not
just a financial windfall for oil companies. Clowns are making a
fortune teaching people how to fit twelve in a car.
Bewitched starring Nicole Kidman opened on Friday, as the
town of Salem unveiled a statue of Elizabeth Montgomery.
Witchcraft is everywhere. Puritans are very suspicious about how
the paperback edition of Hillary Clinton's book is flying off the shelves.
Michael Jackson's verdict Monday followed previous
acquittals of O.J. Simpson and Robert Blake. It's insane. To solve
the prison overcrowding at Guantanamo they should transfer
everybody to the celebrity wing of the Los Angeles County jail.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton