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Jewish World Review
June 22, 2005
/ 15 Sivan, 5765
Things get a bit fuzzy when eyeglasses go walking off
By
David Grimes
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Because I am always receptive to any intrusion the government may wish to make into our personal lives, I was very excited by the idea that school buses will soon be tracked by the Global Positioning System.
Some progressive thinkers have also suggested that students be tagged in some manner so that we can keep an eye on them when they are strolling from the cafeteria to math class.
While some conspiracy theorists may think otherwise, I cannot imagine how 24/7 surveillance of our every move can pose any problems. (The fact that I can now receive Howard Stern on the filling in my lower bicuspid is only an irritation when I'm trying to sleep.)
While GPS technology may or may not (not) make the experience of riding a school bus any more pleasant, it would certainly be of use to me in my daily routine.
For example, I spent 15 minutes this morning trying to locate my eyeglasses. I had set my eyeglasses on the nightstand the previous evening, as I always do, but at some point during the night, my eyeglasses sprouted legs and scampered off to some secret location, presumably to have illicit sex with my asthma inhaler.
It is one thing to locate eyeglasses that have developed the power of locomotion (personally I think this is a far bigger story than the fact that real estate prices have gone up, but news judgment has never been my strong suit); it is another thing entirely to try to locate them without the benefit of eyeglasses. I imagine my eyeglasses pausing from their tryst with my asthma inhaler (I suspect they also dally with my gout medicine, but that is nothing more than conjecture) to chortle while I blindly stub my big toe against the dresser and run face-first into the sliding-glass door. (A chortle is not a pleasant sound when made by humans; when eyeglasses do it, it has all the mellifluousness of an air-raid siren.)
If I had had the foresight to tag my eyeglasses so that they could be tracked by GPS (an admittedly unlikely event given the fact that I do not have sufficient foresight to put my glasses in the same spot each night), I could have located them in a thrice, or at most a thrice-and-a-half, and spared myself injuries to my forehead and big toe.
My wife is currently on vacation in Greece (don't ask), an event that has caused other inanimate objects in the house to suddenly flit away to dark, humid corners for lurid purposes that cannot be detailed in the columns of a family newspaper. In the span of three days my cell phone has ambled off (not necessarily a bad thing), the TV remote-control has disappeared (a tragedy of epic proportions) and the six-pack of beer that I had in the refrigerator has simply evaporated. (I suspect burglars.)
Although I have not personally viewed any indecent behavior (keep in mind that I can't discern a wall without my glasses), some of the noises that I've heard suggest that there is activity taking place behind the washing machine that would make "Girls Gone Wild" seem like a turnip-paring demonstration on the Food Channel.
I like to think that modern surveillance technology, particularly GPS, would solve all of my problems and restore my household to its former "G" rating.
And to the person or persons who swiped my beer, I'd just like to say ... That was really low.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here.
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