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Jewish World Review June 12, 2005 / 6 Sivan, 5765 Degrees of wisdom By David Grimes
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Congratulations, graduates! You have made it through school! And now, as your reward, you must remain seated while total strangers with absolutely no credentials give you unsolicited advice on how to live the rest of your life! You're welcome!
Remember to peel the little stickers off fresh fruit and vegetables. I do not know why every apple, orange and banana must be affixed with its own individual sticker. Perhaps when you take hold of the reins of government, you can do something about this. (I can't imagine that there will be any more pressing problems for you to deal with as my generation has pretty much fixed everything up for you.) In the meantime, inspect each piece of fruit thoroughly before biting into it.
Swallowing a few stickers over the course of your lifetime will probably not kill you, but it would not be good to get a colonoscopy in later life and discover that your entire bowel is one long repetition of the word "Dole."
Hire someone to prepare your income tax forms. You cannot understand the U.S. Tax Code. The people who wrote the U.S. Tax Code do not understand the U.S. Tax Code. By hiring someone to perform this annual chore for you, you will be eliminating a major source of stress in your life and you will vastly reduce your odds of sharing a prison cell with a beefy individual who has the word "KILLER" tattooed on his knuckles.
Be suspicious of people who justify making other people's lives miserable by saying it is G-d's will. Be equally suspicious of politicians who quack about morality. Do not be afraid to stand up for what you believe in. Be wary of ideologues. The issues that you will face in the coming years will almost never be black and white, but rather some shade of gray. Learn all you can about something before forming an opinion.
Don't assume that someone in authority is deserving of your trust simply because he or she is in authority. People who say they have your best interests at heart sometimes don't. If an investment deal sounds too good to be true, it almost certainly is. Black socks and sandals are never a wise fashion combination.
Einstein was right. The Laws of Relativity apply to the way we age. Let's say you're 21 years old now. Those 21 years felt like they took 80 years to elapse, right?
Well, that's all about to change. The nine years between now and when you turn 30 will be over in what will feel like exactly nine years. Then the downhill roller-coaster ride begins. The period from age 30 to age 40 will conclude in three years, from age 40 to age 50 in one year.
Floss your teeth. You can't fool your dental hygienist into believing you've been flossing your teeth when in actuality you haven't. Trust me; I've tried.
Hygienist: Doctor, Mr. Grimes says he's been flossing on a daily basis, but he required three pints of Type O when I ran my finger over his gums, so I'm guessing that maybe he is exaggerating slightly the diligence of his program of oral hygiene and regular professional care.
Dentist: Thank you. I shall endeavor to solve the conundrum by inserting six or more sharp metal instruments into Mr. Grimes' mouth and then asking him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance.
Hygienist: Doctor, have I ever told you that I'm quite smitten by your fashionable combination of black socks and sandals?
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JWR contributor David Grimes is a columnist for The Sarasota Herald Tribune. Comment by clicking here. © 2005, Sarasota Herald Tribune |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
