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Jewish World Review June 15, 2005 / 8 Sivan, 5765 Lactivists, you're not alone By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
You probably heard Barbara Walters made a remark on "The View"
about how uncomfortable she felt when a woman began breast-feeding
during an airline flight. (That's truly shocking. Someone these
days getting a meal on a plane?) Of course Walters was probably in
First Class. Instead of fresh mother's milk the babies in coach got
sour half and half and a stale pretzel.
The next day 200 women who believe in the right to nurse babies
in public — they're called Lactivists — staged a "nurse-in" outside
ABC (stands for Abolish Breastfeeding Company) headquarters.
Reportedly, it's a big embarrassment for ABC, which is
saying something when you consider this is the network that airs
Dancing With The Stars.
The women who protested outside ABC are vehement in their
belief women have a right to breast-feed in public places. And, I
agree with them. When you look at what passes for acceptable public
behavior these days breast-feeding an infant is certainly palatable.
Not surprisingly, the Lactivists are not alone. There are a
number of other movements.
Poopivists: These contrarians believe in their dog's
constitutional right to defecate on your lawn. When your neighbor
owns a St. Bernard I affectionately dubbed "Big Bowels" it's not a
pretty sight. Bizarrely, a couple years ago archeologists uncovered
one of Big Bowels' chips from my yard, and, based on it
reconstructed a Tyrannosaurus Rex
Movie-Theater-Creep-ivists: The soulless twits who believe in the
right to ruin the climax of two-hour cliffhanger movies by answering
their cellphones at the one hour and 55 minute mark and shouting
statements like, "OH, HI, MELVIN! FINE, EXCEPT THAT INFECTED CORN
ON MY TOE BROKE OPEN AND PUS LIKE MT. ST. HELEN'S IS FILLING MY
SOCK."
These amoral idiots also believe in leaving gallons of
sticky food on the floor beneath their seats, and, loudly
proclaiming, as crucial plot points unfold, "OH YEAH NOW I REMEMBER
WHAT HAPPENS , THE WOMAN HE'S DATING TURNS OUT TO BE HIS OWN
SISTER!"
Teen-Girls-Who-Dress-Like-Harlots-ivists: These adolescents find it
acceptable to show up for, say, funerals in outfits identical to
what streetwalkers would wear to work, Lil Kim would show up in for
an awards show, or, the Bush Twins would wear to a state dinner.
Huge-Hole-In-The-B-tt-Of-My-Jeansivists: Young people of either sex
who traipse around the mall with material the size of Delaware
missing from the rear of their jeans. .
Supermarket-Petition-ivists: These banned-from-the-airport pests
have moved on to grocery stores, where they lurk near entrances
badgering shoppers to sign forms for such burning issues as
exhuming Elvis to determine if he was a space alien from the planet
Boogliboobton.
Ignore-The-Green-Light-ivists: These confused morons believe when
the light turns green it means instead of moving forward they have
time to sit in their car and complete another cellphone call, put on
a layer of makeup, or, Los Angeles drivers only — meditate, and
reload.
PDA-ivists: These ultra-annoying PDA (Public Displays of Affection)
advocates find the following places appropriate for "making out" —
shopping mall escalators, picnic tables, concerts, phone booths,
the grandstand at sporting events, the middle of a football
huddle, the middle of a crosswalk in heavy traffic, atop heavy
machinery, the fry machine at Denny's, Oprah's couch (see "Tom
Cruise"), and, operating rooms.
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© 2005, Brad Dickson |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
