Jewish World Review June 11, 2003 / 11 Sivan, 5763

Ian Shoales

Ian Shoales
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Consumer Reports

The Matrix regurgitated


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | I won't be emerging from my hovel any time soon, not until I have assurances that the Matrix has gone far, far away.

I enjoyed the first movie, but in between the nonstop parodies of it, the stealing of its special effects in other movies, and the hype for the sequel, I hope I never hear about the darn Matrix ever again.

I can also do without the forced cultural resonance THE MATRIX has thrust upon us. Editorialists, tired of using WAG THE DOG for this purpose, now use THE MATRIX as a metaphor for everything from the Iraq War to American culture itself. (But if we really are living in some horrible consensual hallucination generated by Republicans and publicists, shouldn't we all be well-fed and rich?)

And why a sequel anyway? Once THE MATRIX revealed that we're all living in a virtual reality, where do you go from there? If you refuse the reality of THE MATRIX, as the hero Neo learned, no harm can come to you.

So even if wicked Mr. Smith becomes a hundred wicked Mr. Smiths in THE MATRIX RELOADED, and the big obligatory car chase scene becomes the BIGGEST obligatory car chase scene that ever ever was, it doesn't alter the fact that none of it is real, and Neo can just zip off into the sky any time he feels like it.

And what about the real reality of THE MATRIX RELOADED? Those unplugged from the Matrix have relocated to Zion, the last free city, which appears to be in a huge cavern, and where the inhabitants appear to spend their time hippie-dancing and having orgies. Don't any of these sensual libertarians have a job?

There's still one more sequel to go, and I'm gritting my teeth. At least the X Men sequel is behind us. How many darn mutants ARE there, anyway? They replicate like cloned bunnies. You can't even fit them all on the screen!

I tell you, I've had it with these bloated dystopian Ozzes. If some mutant or evil robot would kindly conjure a pair of ruby slippers for me please, Kansas is suddenly looking pretty good to me. I am grabbing the dog, clicking my heels, and I am so out of here.

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JWR contributor Ian Shoales is the author of, among others, Not Wet Yet: An Anthology of Commentary. Comment by clicking here.

Up

06/05/03: Here, Spike
05/07/03: When Hippies Retire
04/09/03: Your mommy could have told you that silence is the stoic's path to personal salvation --- hey, but who would have listened?
04/01/03: Hedging the war
03/28/03: Space: The Penultimate Frontier
03/18/03: Hour of the Narc
03/07/03: Home entertainment tips for pinkos --- no joke!
02/28/03: When Anorexia is a good thing
02/21/03: Aussie invasion!
02/11/03: This museum of my dreams would be no accident
02/03/03: Hasn't 'reality TV' always been with us?
01/30/03: Get tougher?
01/21/03: Spinning through the 'newscycle'
01/16/03: "G" for verbal violence?
01/03/03: Farewell to novelty
12/23/02: Neo-frontiers
12/18/02: A nation of hypochondriacs?
12/11/02: Cursed
11/08/02: Good news for skateboarders looking to keep up with world events
11/01/02: "Extreme" annoyance
10/24/02: Snipers are people, too!
10/16/02: Hockey Therapy
10/08/02: Cupid, the parasite
10/03/02: How to have fun in Africa
09/30/02: If you are employed, you're part of the problem
09/25/02: "Up and comers," go away!
09/18/02: Collectibilitized
09/10/02: Monotone felons
08/20/02: Will we soon need a passport to get caviar, duc a la orange, or Polish sausage?
08/14/02: Law and Disorder --- and Starbucks
08/12/02: Rummy's monkey
08/05/02: Time for some real cultural heroes
07/31/02: Yearning for a nostalgic American product that was neither
07/24/02: Voicemail heaven?
07/18/02: At the movies with your friendly neighborhood curmudgeon
07/12/02: King of Kitsch
07/09/02: Musicians' brains
07/01/02: Where's my cow?
06/24/02: Modern record stores can be a scary proposition
06/21/02: Life IS a movie?
06/19/02: Spreading fertilizer on a dictionary to try to raise a novel
06/17/02: Happy cows are really miserable?
06/12/02: Very similar to a rock
06/05/02: Of Humice and Men
05/30/02: Pooches in sharkskin suits and the end of dog tags
05/22/02: We baby boomers used to rule the roost
05/20/02: The Files now Ex
05/14/02: Entangled in Spider-Man's web!?
05/02/02: April Showers May Come Our Yadda Yadda
04/24/02: From child murderer to milk hawker
04/10/02: New realities
03/21/02: You did it your way? I have to kill you now!
03/14/02: IN THIS CORNER SUSAN LUCCI AND STEPHANIE ZYMALIST!
03/12/02: Life in the warehouse
01/28/02: Shoes and food
01/24/02: Suspension of disbelief has nothing to do with whether we accept something as real or not
01/22/02: Save the Grand Ole Opry?
12/15/01: If you truly want to appeal to the lowest common denominator
12/11/01: KNITTING!
12/07/01: Conspiracy by the 'fat suit' lobby?
12/04/01: The future of comic books
11/15/01: Literary tips in a jar
11/12/01: The ectoplasm of a ghost economy
11/05/01: Sumner Redstone's passions
10/31/01: My irony
10/29/01: Even in wartime, America can still bring it home
10/25/01: Ad memories
10/17/01: Pathetic me
10/08/01: War time lite
10/01/01: Confessions of a sarcastic scribe
09/11/01: The end of Mom
09/07/01: Boy Loses Girl, Boy Bites Girl, Boy Gets Girl
09/05/01: Virtual elegance?
08/31/01: I COPY, THEREFORE I AM
08/28/01: Buzz!
08/23/01: Radio workout
08/20/01: I robot, you Jane
08/15/01: A wild and crazy world!
08/10/01: When the future was "as real as a dime"
08/08/01: Garage Dearth!
08/06/01: That Big Clock
08/02/01: Stop the pop!
07/31/01: Catchphrase history of the world
07/26/01: The Bride of Science
07/23/01: That java jive
07/17/01: Homogenized hegemony
07/13/01: Applying Newton's First Law of Physics to textbooks
07/10/01: The dumb and the dead

© 2001, Ian Shoales