Jewish World Review May 23, 2013 / 14 Sivan 5773
REVEALED: IRS letter to tea party groups
By A. Barton Hinkle
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The long-awaited Treasury Department inspector general report . . . says the agency itself decided some of its questions to conservative groups were way over the line.
Dear Sir or Madam,
We have received your application for tax-exempt status. In order to complete our consideration of your application, we require additional information. Please answer the following brief questionnaire and return it no later than 12 p.m. the day before yesterday.
Your response must be signed in blood by an officer whose name is listed on your application; a notary public; singer Kanye West; Simon Abney-Hastings, (the former Lord Mauchline), 15th Earl of Loudon and the rightful heir to the throne of England; and three eyewitnesses.
Please seal your response in a Klazomenian sarcophagus constructed no later than 500 B.C. and ship it by horse-drawn carriage to the Internal Revenue Service's Cincinnati office at P.O. Box 2508, Cincinnati, OH 45201.
Please provide the following information.
(1) The names of all board members, officers, and employees, in phonetic Klingon.
(2) Your current membership total, converted to base 7.
(3) The complete genetic code of each member, written in longhand.
(4) A high school yearbook photo of each board member, officer, employee and member, unretouched.
(5) The results from each board member's, officer's, employee's and member's latest colonoscopy.
(6) The complete names and current addresses of the first persons each board member, officer, employee and member ever kissed.
(7) The location, date, time of, and weather conditions surrounding said kisses.
(8) As a result of said kisses, did any board member, officer, employee or member get to Second Base?
(9) When you play "Los Angelenos" from the 1974 Billy Joel album "Streetlife Serenade" backward, what do you hear?
(10) How many bubbles are in a bar of soap?
(11) Do all notrivial zeros of the analytical continuation of the Riemann zeta function have a real part of one-half? Explain (please show your work).
(12) Why is there something rather than nothing?
(13) If Theseus replaces each plank of his ship as it wears out until every plank has been replaced, does he still have the same ship, or does he have a different ship?
(14) What is the most embarrassing thing you have ever done?
(15) Is there video?
(16) Can we see it?
(17) The worst song ever recorded is (a) "Mickey," by Toni Basil; (b) "We Built This City," by Starship; (c) "Faith," by George Michael; (d) "I'm Too Sexy," by Right Said Fred; (e) "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," as covered by William Shatner. (Careful: There may be more than one right answer.)
(18) "When one observes noncompetitive inhibition in a lineweaver-burk plot the y-intercept increases (because Vmax in 1/Vmax is decreasing) but the 1/Km position stays the same." True or false?
(19) Ford or Chevy?
(20) According to Lewis Carrol, (a) all babies are illogical; (b) nobody is despised who can manage a crocodile; (c) illogical persons are despised. What contrapositive can we derive from these statements?
(21) Which Pokemon would you want to be, and why?
(22) Would you rather slide down a razor-blade banister or swim through a vat of hydrochloric acid? Explain.
(23) If writing about music = dancing about architecture, then rapping about aromatherapy = _______________.
(24) Why does a God of love allow the innocent to suffer?
(25) Does this look infected to you?
(26) In "Differance," Derrida writes of "a determination or an effect within a system which is no longer that of presence but of differance, a system that no longer tolerates the opposition of activity and passivity, nor that of acuse and effect, or of indetermination and determination, etc., such that in designating consciousness as an effect or a determination, one continues - for strategic reasons that can be more or less lucidly deliberated and systematically calculated -- to operate according to the lexicon of that which one is de-limiting." What the hell is that supposed to mean?
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A. Barton Hinkle is Deputy Editor of the Editorial Pages at Richmond Times-Dispatch Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, A. Barton Hinkle