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Jewish World Review May 23, 2011 / 12 Iyar, 5771 Law, Etiquette and 5 Rules By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Law is divided into civil and criminal. There are civil actions under the law; these are conflicts between individuals, organizations, and corporations that one of the private parties wants resolved. You can file a civil complaint against someone for hitting you, and seek damages for the assault and battery as a tort. There are criminal actions; these are cases where the common good or public values are under attack. If the government is aware of the attack they can proceed with a criminal complaint against the mugger.
If you are the victim of a criminal attack it does not matter what you want. Should the government want to send the mugger to jail the government can force you to cooperate, and go through the problems of a trial. The U.S. Attorney, State's Attorney or other law enforcement officials make decisions as to which cases go forth in the criminal arena; not the victims.
But there are other "laws" in every society- Etiquette. These rules are guidelines as to what is deemed common courtesy. Violate them at your own risk. The rules may be illogical or archaic but they exist for the same reason we post speed limits on highways. No one follows all the rules of etiquette, all the time (or the speed limit). If you adhered to all the rules of etiquette you would be hard pressed to put them into practice. Strict adherence to etiquette or English grammar is difficult, as In a similar vein, Attorney Clarence Darrow noted, "Even if you do learn to speak correct English whom are you going to speak it to?"
Kindness is another matter. It is about being thoughtful and acting in a way that is true to civility to others. Religions and society need civility, but kindness is what makes us all want to participate. We fear a world without kindness. Longshoreman philosopher Eric Hoffer observed that, "Rudeness is the weak man's imitation of strength." Snubbing others or acting in your self interest to harm others threatens can threaten society even though it may not be a violation of criminal or civil law. People claim some special right to damage others springing from grievances. public rules. People with these "grievances" cut in line ahead of you at Disney World or cut your throat to take your shoes.
My basic rules for proper decorum in life are
Rule 1: Avoid Danger To Others. If you know the local people do not want you to take their picture, do not do it. You should not risk your safety and the safety of your companions to get a great picture as souvenir of your trip or to "educate" the heathens. It may not be a big deal to you, but it is to them. You may think voodoo is a bogus religion, but others believe it. People who prompt attacks from African tribesmen by taking their pictures or start arguments with fourteen years old militiamen carrying machine guns should be prepared for the consequences. Don't mess with religious icons, explosives or danger unless you are ready for everyone around you to suffer the reaction/consequences.
Rule 2: Be respectful, not subservient. You should let the other side know that you are following their protocol out of tolerance and respect, although your personal beliefs might be very different. You do not have to lecture everyone as to how they fail to meet your standards. It usually does little good. You do more good by showing a willingness to learn, to communicate and your expectation they will be reciprocated. Do not make that expectation absolute. You should decide if offending another is required in order to honor your personal beliefs. If individuals wish to be called Negro, Black, Colored, or African-American why would you not refer to them in the manner least likely to offend? If individuals wish to be called Mister, Alan, Al or Skippy wouldn't you refer to them in the manner least likely to offend? Whatever facilitates communication, and does not compromise your own values, should be the used.
Rule 3: Lie when appropriate. Publisher Clare Booth Luce supported this rule, and its benefits. She said, "Lying increases the creative faculties, expands the ego, and lessens the friction of social contacts." Remember that everyone's baby is cute. All grandchildren are unique, and exceptional….
Rule 4: Alert when it helps. My wife, Hermine, ever vigilant, to keeping me out of trouble, often reminds me to only act to alert others of their mistakes, etc. when the alert helps the other person to save face or make a correction. If their shirt is buttoned wrong, their zipper is unzipped or label is showing, mention it. If their new hairstyle is awful, they have a big ink stain on their shirt; leave it alone. Do not make them feel worse and do not exercise your curiosity. "How did you get that stain?" or "What's wrong with your leg?" aren't polite or kind.
Rule 5: Say, "Thank you." Gertrude Stein said, "Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone." Thanking people neither diminishes you, nor places you in their debt. It establishes your humility. Repeat after me….. "Silent gratitude isn't very much use to anyone." Now, go out there and start thanking people. Just before you go to sleep, tally up your "Thank Yous.
Being a good host is more about welcoming your guests than about the place settings. But to most people, the rules of etiquette are what can easily be used to judge others. So learn the rules (The napkin goes on your chair rather than the table when? Tip the soup bowl in which direction?) but practice them in a way that is kind. When it comes to protocol and codes of behavior, what you think, really doesn't matter; words matter, and words are trumped by actions. Poet Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say." So be good, for goodness sake; but do good, for your own sake.
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JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
Inspiration
© 2010 Alan Douglas
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