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Jewish World Review
I was trying to keep it a secret, but it's hard with all the nieces and nephews Twittering, Facebooking and blogging, so I guess it was going to come out sooner or later. I was the guy who bought that Picasso for $106.5 million. I don't know what I was thinking, I was just caught up in the moment, I guess. I was going to stop at $50 million but some fool on the phone kept bidding it up. He didn't even have the courtesy to show up at the auction! I was there, and that should count for something. It's like if the clerk down at the department store were taking an order from a phone customer as I stood in the store, tapping my foot. It's just rude.
So I decided that I was going to buy it, even though it's not really my taste. It's kind of blue and gray and green. I'm more of a yellow, red and brown kind of guy. And it's a picture of a big naked woman. My mother in-law won't like that, which was another reason I wanted it.
"I don't care who painted it," she'll say, "It's pornography. Why don't you just hang a portrait of Satan on the wall, since you're so fond of his works. And you with small children in the house."
Since it was, like, $106.49 million over my credit card limit, I never really thought they'd give it to me, because I knew it would be declined and that would be the end of that. It was just my bad luck that the computers were down right when I went to pay. So they hand me this thing, and it's really big, like 5 feet by 4 feet, and do they wrap it up or put it in a bag? No, they just hand it to me and walk away. I guess my servants were supposed to take if from there. Luckily, I had some bungee cords in the trunk of my car, so I strapped it to the roof and went home. It was embarrassing, here I am with a $106.5-million-dollar painting on the roof of my car and people are looking at me like I'm Jed Clampett pulling into Beverly Hills for the first time.
So I get the thing into the house and I figure I'll surprise Sue with it. It's just the right size to cover up that big crack on the wall in the laundry room that she's been after me to fix for the last two years. A hammer and a couple of nails and voila! Crack fixed. The next day she says, "That's not what I call fixing a crack. I could have hung a picture there."
"Not that picture," I said.
"Yeah, thanks. It doesn't even have a frame. Where did you find this thing, in the half-off bin?"
It was about then that the auction gallery people showed up and wanted their painting back.
"Take it," I said, "It doesn't go with the sofa. Next time, I'll remember to bring a fabric swatch."
"Next time," said the auctioneer said, "You'd better bring bail."
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Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
Purple (hair) Daze
Let me hear your body talk
Working from work
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
He loves only gold, only gold
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like wack Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from Little House
A parable for the ages
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Setting loose the creative juice
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
© 2009, NEA