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May 23, 2012
Tony Pugh: More private colleges offering tuition discounts
Mary Beth Franklin: How to Choose the Right Annuity for You
Tina Susman: The wig wasn't enough: Man gets 13 years for posing as his dead mom
The Kosher Gourmet by Emma Christensen:A simple way to do fish right
May 22, 2012
Warren Richey: Can US group challenge overseas surveillance act? Supreme Court to decide
Thomas M. Anderson: Walking Away From a Mortgage
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: Enjoy a celebration of the most rich and layered flavors: Black bean, sweet potato and quinoa chili
May 21, 2012
Mark Clayton: Cybersecurity: How US utilities passed up chance to protect their networks
Howard LaFranchi: NATO summit: Who will foot the bill for long-term Afghanistan security?
Chris Farrell : Earn Dividends in Emerging Markets with This WisdomTree ETF
Stephen Whiteside, Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: Social anxiety disorder --- or just shy?
Guy Jackson : Victim's father regrets death of Lockerbie bomber
The Kosher Gourmet by Mario Batali: Famed chef's veal shoulder farsumagru: A festive meat course for late spring
May 18, 2012
Rabbi Berel Wein: Striving: The People of the Book's Book for (All of) the People
Steven Goldberg: 5 Great Stock Picks and the Exchange-Traded Fund that Owns Them
Mary Pickett, M.D.: Ask the Harvard Experts: Don't be forced into gluten-free lifestyle based merely on a doctor's false-positive test
The Kosher Gourmet by Carolyn Malcoun: DIY healthy lunchbox treats: HOMEMADE FRUIT BARS for kids and brown-bagging adults alike
May 17, 2012
Warren Richey: Teacher fired for being unwed and pregnant can sue religious school, court rules
Josh Mitnick: Netanyahu's 'centrist' coalition is already proving it's anything but
Steven Goldberg: Earn Dividends in Emerging Markets with This WisdomTree ETF
Amina Khan: Research links coffee to lower death rates
The Kosher Gourmet by Faith Duran : Cheesy Potato Breakfast Casserole with Cheddar and Sun-Dried Tomatoes
May 16, 2012
Carmen Terzic, M.D., Ph.D. : Mayo Clinic Medical Edge: A variety of exercises can help improve balance
Melissa Healy: National strategy on Alzheimer's disease aims to halt it by 2025
The Kosher Gourmet by Joyce White : GOODNESS GRACIOUS: GREENS! 4 winning recipes that are no longer just for down-home folks (Includes expert tips & techniques)
May 15, 2012
Kristen Chick: Obama administration resumes arms sales to Bahrain despite serious unresolved human rights issues. Activists feel abandoned
Pat Mertz Esswein: Homes are now affordable again and mortgage rates are low. What you need to know before you buy
Kathy Kristof: Our Practical Investor Fights Inflation with These 6 Investments
Sue Hubbard, M.D.: The Kid's Doctor: Lactose intolerant young child? Check again
The Kosher Gourmet by Kathy Hunt: Spread a Little Excitement with EXOTIC CONDIMENTS (4 RECIPES)
May 14, 2012
Lisa Gerstner: How to Protect Your Identity, Finances If You Lose Your Phone
Harvard Health Letters: Heart disease and dementia
The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon: MANGO COCONUT OAT MORNING MUFFINS are a bright but hearty delight
May 11, 2012
Jessica L. Anderson: Get the Best Deal on a Used Car
Jett Stone: Forget face-lifts and fake knees. Scientists have seen the fountain of youth --- and it's broccoli
The Kosher Gourmet by Chef Mario Batali: The famed chef's vegetable dish that tastes true to the season: FAVAS AND SUGAR SNAP PEAS WITH POTATOES AND TARRAGON
May 10, 2012
Sergei L. Loiko: Putin sends warning to U.S., NATO in Victory Day speech at Red Square
Mary Rourke: How being a 'mentch' got Vidal Sasoon his start and fighting in Israel's War of Independence provided him with confidence and a strong sense of his own identity
Jeff Bertolucci: Get Home Phone Service for Less Than $10 a Month
The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom: Gleaming with its golden, crimson, and snowy white hues, this silken smooth and creamy STRAWBERRY ORANGE TRIFLE looks impressive, but is easy to prepare
May 9, 2012
Sharon Palmer, R.D. How you can reduce your risk -- or delay -- chronic diseases associated with aging
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Jewish World Review
May 3, 2010
/ 19 Iyar 5770
The ten sure ways to age well
By
Lewis Grossberger
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
An ever-larger segment of the U.S. populace is now officially in that category the Department of Health, Education and Welfare classifies as How'd I Get So Old? But the good news is that many of these individuals still show signs of life and a few are even able to breathe without assistance. Today, thanks to the quickly developing discipline of seniorific ancientology, we know more than ever about how to remain vigorous, alert and sexually active at an age when most people don't really feel like being any of those things. Here are the steps you need to take to assure yourself a happy, productive and at times even giddy old age.
1. Keep reading this kind of article because the ten steps change frequently as science makes new discoveries. In a few months all ten will probably be obsolete and you'll need to memorize new ones.
2. Eat fresh, wholesome and nutritious meals three times a day. This is a drastic change from the previous recommendations, which were to eat sweet, fattening, stale foods washed down with malt liquor. Here we have a perfect example of the frequent updating I alerted you to in Point No. 1.
3. Exercise hard and frequently but not hard or frequently enough that you suffer a heart attack. The difference can be subtle so be very, very careful.
4. Stay healthy! Nothing makes you decrepit and sick faster than bad health. In fact, scientists believe bad health is the leading cause of rapid physical deterioration (RPD) in older people (OP).
5. Make sure you have a lot of money. Surprising as it may seem, money has been found to shield people from many harsh realities that can afflict the aged, such as homelessness, poverty, starvation and nakedness. How much money do you need? A good formula is to take your age and add five zeros to it.
6. Take lots of pills. It's perfectly legal! You get pills from doctors, so make sure you visit plenty of them. They will all prescribe pills for you. You don't even have to ask. Remembering which pills to take at what time will give you a purpose in life, without which you will grow listless and die.
7. Do not go to work. Remember, you've retired or been laid off, so if you show up at your workplace, the people there will make fun of you and then call security and you will be thrown into the gutter, which raises the blood pressure to dangerous levels.
8. Stay up to date. Buy an iPhone and take it out now and then and pretend to be deciding what "app" to use. Then pretend to be "texting" somebody. You will feel like you're "cool" and perhaps even "awesome."
9. Get plenty of rest. Most doctors recommend seven to eight hours of sleep a night but that's not enough. Nap frequently and let the naps grow longer and longer. What's the point of staying awake? You've seen everything and it's a stupid century.
10. I forgot the last one. Must be getting old.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment on JWR contributor and humorist Lewis Grossberger's column by clicking here.
Previously:
04/28/10: Charlie Rose interviews the world's number one spewer of cliches
11/12/09: Is it morally wrong to kill a texter?
10/29/09: Annoyed
08/13/09: Better-than-most-fall-TV-previews fall TV preview
07/01/09: Many saddened by inability to join national outpouring of grief over Jackson
06/25/09: Tweeting the American Revolution
06/17/09: Who were the Collyer brothers? (Be the first to answer and win a basement full of old newspapers)
06/11/09: What we learn from the new Hitler photos
05/28/09: Beware: Don't Fall into the Clutches of the Hugger-Mugger
© 2009, Lewis Grossberger
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