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Jewish World Review
May 27, 2010
/ 15 Sivan 5770
Older? Yes. Wiser? Not Necessarily
By
Malcolm Fleschner
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Having turned 40 recently, I guess I shouldn't be surprised by all the signs of my advancing age cropping up - the gray hairs, the persistent aches and pains, the paunch that won't go away no matter how many boxes of "low fat" Snackwells cookies I consume, etc.
Other signs are more subtle, however, like my newfound interest in reading the obituaries, an increased use of the expression "The trouble with kids today is…," and that nowadays when I belly up to the counter and say "Gimme the usual," the person I'm ordering from isn't a bartender, it's a pharmacist.
But the worst are the signs of advancing age that hit you out of the blue. Like recently when I was absent-mindedly watching ESPN, and the sportscaster mentioned a name I hadn't heard about in a while. "Wow, is he still playing?" I thought, snapping to attention. "Good for him. He's got to be even older than I am. Except now he's a lefty? And a pitcher, not a catcher? And 23 years old?" Come to find out, of course, that this was not the player I knew, who retired 10 years ago, but his son with the same name. Ugh.
On the other hand, the sports world sometimes provides heart-warming stories of graying athletes' age-defying exploits. One recent example is Jamie Moyer, the 47-year-old Philadelphia Phillies pitcher who last week became the oldest player in major league history to throw a shutout. According to the commentators, Moyer's inspiring achievement is supposed to remind us all that age is just a number, that experience and wisdom can win out over youth and vitality, that Ensure can double as an energy drink, etc.
Pardon me for not sharing in the enthusiasm. I'm supposed to be inspired by a player older than I am who's still performing at a peak level, yet I regularly get winded just rolling the trash bin to the curb? No, for inspiration I prefer to turn to another aging baseball player - Ken Griffey, Jr., the 41-year-old Seattle Mariners outfielder who in a recent game was unavailable as a late-inning pinch hitter because he had nodded off in the clubhouse. Pitch a shutout in the majors? I could never do that, not even in my prime. But fall asleep during a baseball game? I do that already - put me in, coach!
But to truly feel just how much one's youth has slipped away, it's always instructive to listen to some current popular music. Or, as we old folks refer to it, "so-called music." My favorite recent example of this phenomenon comes from curmudgeonly 60 Minutes commentator Andy Rooney, who dedicated his May 9th segment to complaining that he'd never heard of anyone on the Billboard Top 200 list. One can only imagine Andy's confusion, as he feverishly searched through the listings, desperately looking for a familiar name like Scott Joplin, George Gershwin or Al Jolsen.
Meanwhile, the executives watching at MTV must have been upset to realize that they'd failed in their efforts to reach the white, jowly 91-year-old WW II veteran with brambly, overgrown eyebrows demographic.
Unlike Andy, I don't plan to waste time pointlessly griping about how youth is wasted on the young. Instead of viewing the age 40 mile marker as the equivalent of a life half-empty, I've decided to take the half-full view and focus on the many benefits to making it this far. So OK, I will probably never play professional ball, my iPod may be filled with songs by "oldies" bands like REM and Pearl Jam, and yes, I do risk ridicule whenever I wear cargo shorts. But on the plus side, now that I'm 40…
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None of my friends ever ask me to help them move.
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I no longer feel nervous about getting carded when buying beer.
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I can start using terms like "By gum" and referring to young people as "whippersnappers."
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No one ever asks me to squeeze into the backseat of a car.
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I no longer wake up in a cold sweat, terrified that I have to take a calculus exam I haven't studied for. Prostate exam, maybe, but calculus, no.
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At the drug store, I am no longer embarrassed by what the cashier or other shoppers in line may think, whether I'm purchasing condoms, laxatives, adult diapers, anti-diarrhea medicine, a pregnancy test kit, hemorrhoid cream, lubricant, feminine hygiene products, or even all of the above. "I've got a big weekend planned," I'll defiantly announce to anyone looking askance. "You want to make something of it?"
So you see, there's plenty to appreciate about being 40. In fact, after thinking it over, I'm genuinely enthusiastic about diving in and exploring all the exciting possibilities the future holds. Right after my nap.
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
Previously:
04/19/10: The Bossman Cometh
03/25/10: The Rules of Interaction
01/09/10: A ride of passage
12/26/09: The Family Power Struggle Goes On…
10/26/09: Rapidly approaching fuddyduddy-hood
06/20/09: Waging a backyard turf war
02/20/09: The Sties Have It
04/30/09: Planning of the Apes
04/08/09: No more phoning it in
02/26/09: Tuning in to the English Channel
02/19/09: 25 AND COUNTING
02/13/09: A new life, dead ahead
01/29/09: NOW STARRING ... EVERYBODY!
01/15/09: You know the type
01/08/09: Just in time, here comes 2009
11/20/08: Hotels go for the green
11/06/08: Something does not compute
10/30/08: Early adopters tech their chances
10/21/08: Cyberspace invaders
10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances
09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria
08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion)
06/24/08: Getting the brand back together
05/29/08: Phrased and confused
05/13/08: Take this job and love it
04/17/08: News you can (re)use
04/02/08: Commercial (over)load
02/20/08: An overdose of reality
02/14/08: A developing situation
01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it
01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict
01/02/08: Our bills are due
12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice…
11/28/07: Out with the old
11/06/07: My latest pet project
11/06/07: Can't tune it out
10/23/07: Something special in the hair
09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please?
09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem
08/21/07: In the heat of fashion
08/09/07: Let's get in the game
06/13/07: You gonna eat that?
05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment
05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy...
04/18/07: No time like Father Time
03/15/07: Deface the Nation
03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have
02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore
12/05/06: Who's calling the shots?
11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair
10/18/06: You can't tech it with you
10/04/06: Award to the wise
08/24/06: Phrased and Confused
08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99
07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain
05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again?
05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner
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