Last week a newscaster excitedly introduced an expert who could - and I quote "HELP GET YOUR BRAIN BACK!" Talk about timely. I was just getting ready to send out a search party.
I'd like my brain back, all right. The left half, the right half, the part that remembers my glasses, my car keys, the punch line to the joke I heard yesterday, and where I put the coupons I just had in my hand.
I'd also like to get back the part of my brain that sets the speed. Call it a pipe dream, but I'd love to be able to go from zero to 60 in under two weeks.
Not too long ago I misplaced a container of chicken salad. I retraced my steps and looked in every cupboard and drawer in the kitchen. I looked in the garage, the car, on the patio, in the freezer, the washer, the dryer and the dishwasher.
"What kind of container was it in?" the husband asks, standing before the open refrigerator.
"It was in a plastic square just like that one on the middle shelf," I huffed. Like the man thinks he can find what I've spent an hour searching for.
"You mean this chicken salad?" he says. Chicken salad. Refrigerator. Front and center.
My brain. It never writes. It never calls.
The expert said the way you get your brain back is to control your blood pressure, manage your cholesterol, get enough sleep, exercise regularly and then she said what the experts always say. Actually, they don't say anything.
The camera slowly pans to a large tray filled with yellow and orange vegetables and lots of dark leafy greens.
Every expert on every news show has the same solution. It doesn't matter if the problem is diabetes, obesity, male pattern baldness, your car leaks oil, the airline lost your luggage, or your dog ran away from home the answer is always the same eat more yellow and orange vegetables and dark leafy greens.
I'm not saying vegetables aren't the answer to every crisis, I'm just saying when there is talk of the cost of gasoline going higher and the camera pans to sweet potatoes, I'm getting a little suspicious.
But hey, if spinach and kale are a cure-all and will help get my brain back, they're worth a try.
While we're in recovery mode, there are a few other things I'd like back as well.
My waist, for starters. I don't know where it has been hiding, but the joke is over. (Come back! I miss you!)
I'd like my knees back, too the ones I had when I was age 6. The ones that I could crouch on for hours on ened and not have to worry about them punishing me later.
I'd also like to get my eyes back, the ones that didn't have to squint or hold a book at arm's length.
There are a lot of things I'd like to get back. The cynic in me simply has a hard time believing it is going to be as easy as eating more vegetables and leafy greens.