News story: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has sent an 18-page letter to President Bush. No word on whether it was handwritten in tiny type, margin to margin, and wrapped in tinfoil. Herewith are some excerpts:
Dear Infidel Crusader Zionist sock-puppet Saudi-lackey despoiler of Mesopotamia woman-touching pigdog fiendish (293 words excised) shah-licking son of a toad's offal: I trust this finds you well. I have much on my mind, and have taken the pen to unburden my breast. I have enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope should you wish to reply.
(429 words concerning Jewish penetration of the Postal System excised)
... Do you not realize you are beaten, as a donkey is beaten but knoweth not his donkeyhood is cursed? Your comics have turned against you in your own lair, and mock you without mercy. We have seen the videos of the Meal of the Correspondents, and we know how your left regards the men of the laugh as prophets and seers. It is only a matter of time before Johnny Carson (applause be upon him) returns from occlusion to request that you, Mr. President, take the Slauson Cutoff, get out of your car, and cut off your Slauson, hi-yo, salaam. And a third part of the Slauson shall be stained with the tears of the womenfolk, and (9,323 words excised)
... Our people glow with pride over our nuclear efforts, sometimes literally. I repeat that the enrichment is for peaceful purposes only, and we seek only peace, and peace is our goal, and there is nothing we love more than peace. Except death. Sorry; forgot. Death is definitely number one. In third place of things we love, well, there were those nice ice-cream desserts they had at this little place in Tehran. When I was mayor I had them brought in on Fridays. Good times, good times. But once I found a hair.
(2,356 words excised concerning Jewish penetration of the Iranian Dessert-Industrial complex)
... Na na na nah, nah, everything's underground! And your Congressors cut funding for the nuclear bombs which permit the busting of the bunker. Na na na! I do a taunting dance and cock my hips mockingly! In sudden seriousness, please thank them for this, although we lost a day's work in the labs due to the celebration. I even permitted the drinking of whiskey, and decreed that the suppliers of alcohol be only lightly killed. (549 repetitions of "na na na na" excised)
... and if you had the problem I have with razors you would know why my beard seems so tentative at times; if I may speak with you man to anointed hastener of the Apocalypse, how do you get such a smooth shave? A hot towel? Perhaps the Five-Blade Razor of which we have heard muttered rumors? Personally, I use an exfoliating agent which (8,343 words excised).
... and Jack Bauer will not be able to save you this time, my friend. If there is an attack on our country we will double our aid to the Iraqi patriots, double our funding to Hezbollah and its female auxiliary wing Sisboombah, and double our attempts to get weapons both chemical and biological into your country.
Ah — er, reduce everything I said in the previous paragraph by half. We will START doing those things.
... Seriously, when I came to the U.N. and you didn't even send a fruit basket, it hurt. Did you not see how well I was received? Did you not see the light of G-d that surrounded me when I spoke, how no one blinked as I related our message, how doves came out of my mouth and the pants of all were filled with flowers? And you seek to confound my work to bring back the Messiah and bring the world once more into the arms of Islam? Including all penguins?
What are you, nuts?
Sincerely and Death to America,
Mahmoud, descendant of Xerxes, 34th degree Mason, personal valet of the hidden Imam, and not just a member of the Hair Club for Men — I'm also the president!
