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April 21, 2014

Andrew Silow-Carroll: Passoverkill? Suggestions to make next year's seders even more culturally sensitive

Sara Israelsen Hartley: Seeking the Divine: An ancient connection in a new context

Christine M. Flowers: Priest's execution in Syria should be call to action

Courtnie Erickson: How to help kids accept the poor decisions of others

Lizette Borreli: A Glass Of Milk A Day Keeps Knee Arthritis At Bay

Lizette Borreli: 5 Health Conditions Your Breath Knows Before You Do

The Kosher Gourmet by Betty Rosbottom Coconut Walnut Bars' golden brown morsels are a beautifully balanced delectable delight

April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review May 24, 2006 / 26 Iyar, 5766

Who says you can't go home again?

By Malcolm Fleschner


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Here it is again, the time of year when many college students wistfully reflect on the past four years of studies and think to themselves, "Wait, four years and I'm still only a sophomore? Man, I really have to start hitting the books."


Those of you who are actually graduating, however, will first want to attend your commencement exercises. This is a centuries-old tradition in which the berobed Leaders of Tomorrow are compelled to sit through one final boring lecture from a Leader of Today. Then it's off to the graduation party for a last chance at scoring with that hottie you lusted after in Human Sexuality class.


Sadly, because of a scheduling conflict, this year I will be unable to deliver a commencement speech at the top university that inquired about my availability. And here I use the term "scheduling conflict" to mean "lack of interest," and "inquired about my availability" to mean "did not return my phone calls." Oh, and "top university" might be more accurately rendered as "The Learning Annex."


It's a shame I won't be giving this speech, however, because today's young graduates could really use some help with my proposed topic: preparing for a sound financial future. Back in college I only took one economics class, but I was deeply affected by a lesson I learned from the professor — specifically, that someone can dedicate his life to studying economics and still drive a beat up 15-year-old Volkswagen Jetta.


To avoid this fate, new college graduates will have to learn to be frugal. And with housing costs what they are, what better way to begin than by moving back in with your parents?


Admittedly, you may worry that your moving home represents a failure of long term planning. And it does. By your parents. When they got wind of your plans to major in "hydroponic agriculture," your folks should have immediately put the house on the market and moved into a one-bedroom condo, leaving no forwarding address.


But instead they were foolish enough to think that setting fire to all your Marilyn Manson memorabilia, installing tasteful window treatments and pointedly referring to your old room as the "guest room" would be sufficient to keep you away. Nice try, mom and dad!


Moving back will undoubtedly save you money in the short term, but if you ever hope to establish an independent identity in the world, you will have to face an unpleasant truth: you can't live with your parents forever. Eventually they're going to have to move out.


To you this probably sounds like the ideal solution to your housing problem, but your parents may see things differently. They will likely argue that they deserve to stay, simply because they've spent their entire adult lives working hard to establish a comfortable home for themselves.


But look at the facts: your parents have high-paying jobs, equity, good credit, plenty of assets and functioning means of transportation. You have none of these things, yet you're the one who's supposed to move out? This is exactly the kind of fascistic, discriminatory thinking your socialist professors warned you about in the real world.

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So how do you get your parents out? For the answer, take a page out of your Psychology 101 textbook. Now cross out all the gobbledygook you highlighted in yellow and, in the margin, write down the following three point plan:


1. What's mine is mine Instead of telling people that you live with your parents, always explain that your parents live with you. Eventually transition into saying that they're merely staying with you, and then that they're just visiting. Soon your folks won't bat an eyelash when you start referring to the place as "my house."


2. Pound the pavement together Masters of subtlety that they are, your parents will likely start placing the classified section of the paper on the kitchen table every morning, with certain rental opportunities circled. Go ahead and take your parents along to check out prospective places to live (just don't specify for whom), but look exclusively at houses for sale. Be sure to comment on what a nice place each one is, although, sadly, way out of your price range.


3. I know what you did during the '90s All parents have secrets they keep from their kids. In conversation, make frequent reference to "knowing more than I let on," casually mention that "there are some things children shouldn't know about their parents," and imply that you'd hate to "have to alert the authorities to certain activities."


Follow these steps and your parents will soon realize that they're better off getting a new place than trying to extricate you from the old one. Just don't count on getting anything in the will.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.


Previously:

05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script
04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies
03/16/06: The day the Muzak died
02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home
02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning



© 2006, Malcolm Fleschner

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