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Jewish World Review May 25, 2005 / 16 Iyar, 5765 Class of 2005 By Brad Dickson http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's that time of year when high schools, universities and driving schools are holding commencement exercises. (Which is the only form of exercise most of our young people get.) Some graduates are lucky to have a famed political figure, like President Bush or Bill Clinton, as their commencement speaker. Other grads hear from stand up comedians like Bill Cosby or Laura Bush. Still others are forced to endure listening to local entrepreneurs, like car salesmen, talk about the secret of their success. (Hiring a guy in a gorilla suit to wave at passing motorists?) Nobody has ever invited me to speak at commencement. But in case they ever do, every year at this time I like to prepare a little something, which I will now share with you. "Hello, Class of 2005. Looking out at the grads I see so many tattoos and body piercings I feel like I'm at a convention of NBA players, ha-ha. Congratulations, you've now graduated, and in another fifty to sixty years should have put a decent sized dent in paying off your student loan debt. Some of you now hold degrees in computer science and engineering, which will allow you to accept jobs immediately. Others hold degrees in Art History and English, which means you will be answering to a new title like "Waiter." Or perhaps, "Blood Plasma Donor." Graduates, I'd like to make certain you realize how lucky you are to live in the United States. The only country on the face of the Earth where a Runaway Bride or a photo of Saddam Hussein in his drawers can knock the fact North Korea is developing nuclear weapons off the front page. A country where two out of three citizens cannot name their own congressman, and the third guy can't even tell you what congress is. I'd like to encourage you to continue your education by reading. Whether you read science fiction, philosophy, historical novels or even sensationalistic tabloid trash like the Weekly World News or Newsweek Magazine, reading is important. I realize a small percentage of you college grads cannot read. Not to worry, most of you who fall into this category will enjoy lucrative professional football or basketball careers. So why bother? One thing you will quickly realize upon entering the work force is that life is not fair. Some will toil in low paying jobs with little opportunity for advancement while others will ascend to the top of the ladder and become corporate CEOs. However, those who become CEOs usually end up indicted for some profit inflating scheme and are placed in prison where they will live in tiny rooms, eat lousy food, and think about sex all day. Which sounds just like college when you think about it. I'd like to encourage you to stay abreast of world events. There are all kinds of interesting stories in the news. Just today the important stories in the news include what celebrities are testifying in the Michael Jackson case, which adult magazines Michael kept under his bed, how much Tom Cruise loves Katie Holmes, and, what the Runaway Bride thinks about Alan Greenspan stepping down next year. Most importantly, as you go forward in life do not dismiss the relevance of fast food restaurants. Many of you will find the road to success so full of potholes the only way you will ever realize the American Dream is by filing suit against a fast food chain for making you fat or because you (wink, wink) found a severed finger in your chili. Whatever it takes to get ahead, I say. In closing I'd like to add if all else fails just hire a man in a gorilla suit to stand outside your business waving at people passing by. It seems to work." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. JWR contributor Brad Dickson was a monologue staff writer for The Tonight Show With Jay Leno for 13 years. He's presently developing a network television pilot. Comment by clicking here. Archives © 2005, Brad Dickson

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