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Jewish World Review May 11, 2005 / 2 Iyar, 5765 Plague of runaway-itis coming? By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
President Bush just dined with Vladimir Putin. We have a new Pope. North Korea may be preparing to test dangerous missiles. Still, none of these people or events can quite generate the kind of publicity as the "Runaway Bride."
I'd mention her real name, but it no longer matters, for all practical purposes her name is now Runaway Bride. If this couple actually goes ahead with the ceremony, the minister will say, "Do you take the Runaway Bride to be your lawfully...." If she lives to 100 her obituary will read "Runaway Bride Passes."
The amazing thing is this story has "legs." It won't go away, like a bad rash, or relatives with B.O. who are still hanging in your living room watching TV Land a week after Thanksgiving. Here in Los Angeles not only was the Runaway Bride a bigger story than the fall of Baghdad, Y2K and Elian Gonzalez combined, but we just had a "Runaway Groom." A guy fell off the face of the earth right before his wedding and showed up a month later. He was thirty-five pounds lighter after going 4 weeks without much food or shelter. (Possible explanation: before getting hitched he wanted to experience what divorce was like.)
With June the busiest month for weddings I'm sure the highways will soon be clogged with bumper-to-bumper traffic of fleeing brides and grooms. We are a nation of copycats, after all. This may lead to a wild assortment of folks who suddenly get cold feet. We could soon have the following on our hands.
THE RUNAWAY PRESIDENT: After realizing just how high the national debt has climbed and the microscope he's about to live under, the president-elect in 2008 up and flees. At first foul play by an unknown conspirator (Al Quaeda? The French?) is suspected, until the president-elect is discovered (with his thinning hair cut off to conceal his identity) behind some Virginia think tank playing tee ball or golf. He apologizes profusely in a national address, and resumes his job, with the other party snippily taking potshots for the next four years at the "Runaway Commander in Chief" as they derisively refer to him.
THE RUNAWAY LAKERS: When it dawns on them how dim their future prospects are, combined with the fact Kobe Bryant could have them traded at any moment, the other eleven players on the Lakers get cold feet before the opening game next season and flee. Everyone in L.A. (except for Kobe, who says he doesn't need the other eleven guys) fan out and search for the missing Lakers, who are found on a Reno playground losing a pick up game to a group of nine-year-olds.
THE RUNAWAY PROSECUTOR: After realizing at this point he could call his own mother to the stand and have her betray him by stating she thinks Michael is really OK, the Michael Jackson prosecutor suddenly high tails it out of California. He's so overworked and stressed he's located moonwalking down the Atlantic City boardwalk humming "Billie Jean."
THE RUNAWAY AMERICAN IDOL JUDGE: After all the scandalous publicity of late Paula Abdul flees the show in the middle of a morbidly obese contestant's reggae rendition of The Coaster's "Charlie Brown." Losing her sweet, genial personality Paula screams that the contestant "sounds like a drunk William Hung doing karaoke." Paula is later discovered holed up at Frankie Muniz' L.A. estate. She returns to American Idol, and Frankie returns the nine cell phones Paula gave him.
THE RUNAWAY TODAY SHOW HOST: After reading all the negative press combined with the sinking Today Show ratings, Katie Couric gets cold feet before the next Sweeps period and goes on the lamb. Her whereabouts remain a mystery, as nobody bothers looking for her. Two minutes after Couric flees, the Today Show names her replacement and paints over her name in the NBC parking lot. It a bizarre twist, it's erroneously reported that after Katie flees Matt Lauer cuts off all his hair to conceal his identity. It's later realized Lauer's hair was already like that.
THE RUNAWAY BRIDE PART II: After realizing she's just committed to spending eternity with a boring, stuffy, elitist, large-eared, Mama's boy, Camilla Parker-Bowles hitches a ride to Venice, Italy where she falls in love with a $6 an hour gondolier and lives happily ever after.
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© 2005, Brad Dickson |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
