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Jewish World Review April 18, 2011 / 14 Nissan, 5771 Pain and legacies By Alan Douglas http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | True story. In Washington, DC there is a model of the USS Spence, a destroyer that capsized and sank in a typhoon during World War II. A few of the deck hands were rescued, but all the crew members below decks died. One of those sailors lost on the USS Spence was a young sailor who had quickly married his sweetheart before shipping out. The couple only lived together for 17 days before he went off to serve his country. The couple's families did not get along before the wedding, and afterwards the families didn't even speak to each other. In his haste to marry, the sailor did not have time to change the beneficiary on his life insurance from his father to his new bride. When the sailor was lost at sea the insurance proceeds went to the sailor's father, not the now pregnant, widow. The father kept the money, ignoring the needs of the widow and his grandchild. Legally, he was the named beneficiary and entitled to the money. Another true story. After the death of his mother, a stepson found himself estranged from his stepfather. Not an unusual situation, but still painful. Many years later the stepson went to his synagogue for Rosh Hashanah and was so inspired by the rabbi's sermon on forgiveness that he wrote a letter asking his stepfather to meet with him to reconcile. In the spirit of the holiday, and touched by the stepson's gesture, the stepfather sent back a note agreeing to meet so they could reconcile. The stepfather died a few hours after he mailed the note. When informed of his stepfather's death the stepson volunteered to handle any funeral arrangements, etc. But when the lawyer read the stepfather's will, which was written before the exchange of letters, it spoke of the stepfather's "great animosity" toward the stepson and expressly prohibited the stepson and his wife from attending his funeral. The will also left money to other family members, but intentionally ignored the stepson. The other family members were named in the will as beneficiaries and legally entitled to keep the money. They kept all the money. The stepfather's actions were intended to insult and isolate his stepson when they were feuding. Adding insult to injury, the stepson was asked to arrange his stepfather's funeral. He undertook the thankless task, yet was still prohibited from attending the funeral. FREE SUBSCRIPTION TO INFLUENTIAL NEWSLETTER Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". HUNDREDS of columnists and cartoonists regularly appear. Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here. These two incidents remind us that the legacy we leave behind can be the source of much pain and turmoil. We can cause our families to feud and disintegrate after we are gone. It also spotlights how accepting what is legally ours, and what may comply with the deceased wishes, can also destroy relationships. It can strain relationships and burden lives. In the two examples I gave that was certainly the case. The son of the deceased sailor grew up without a father and lost contact with his extended paternal family. The stepson's feelings toward family members who accepted his stepfather's tainted bequest, were never the same. Life isn't fair and neither are feuds. But inequity, like hard times brings out the best in some people. In the two true stories I just told you, the "sailor's son" and "the stepson" are the same person. Don't delude yourself thinking that you can make peace from the grave. Kind words in a will rarely make people feel better when they were never spoken in life. Many of you, knowing full well that you can create all kinds of trouble and arguments will use your will to get in a last shot. People skilled at being snipers; get their last licks even after they have died. And evening the score is a lousy rationalization. The appearance of being evenhanded and fair in a will while intentionally creating mischief fools no one. As a practicing attorney, when I was drafting wills and dealing with estates after clients died, I learned enough about family dynamics to keep me up many nights. Gary Larsen had a Far Side Cartoon of an almost empty auditorium, with a banner that proclaimed, "Normal Families - Annual Convention." Someday I intend to make my fortune selling tee shirts for family reunions that say, "Families - so many feuds, so little time." In next week's column, I'll cover the ground rules. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment by clicking here. JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy. Previously: Being in the No The Sixth Sense Dogs in Danger Facebook, LinkedIn and the Zuckerberg Exit Simon Bolivar Would Tell Glenn Beck to, ‘Put A Sock In It’ Children and Grandchildren Swearing, Shoes, and Mark Twain How my poor man's Porsche, Virgil, prepared me for life Leases and Landing Gear The Oscars, Obama and Job Creation Damages and Penalties Obstacles with Impossibilities Making Others Feel Bad Referrals and Recommendations Woodpecker Frustration Phrases, Not Resolutions I Was A Crime Fighter and Super Hero Comforting with Sympathizing Nautical Worry Killers Can You Keep A Secret? Holiday Card Hazards Gifts Sharing, Transparency and Dumping Red Alert Readers Respond Regarding Rabbi Readers: I Need Your Help with my Rabbi Humphrey Bogart and P. T. Barnum on Fighting with Family and Friends Columbus, Honors and Hound Dogs The Free Lunch When your child suffers Conversational Transmitted Diseases Conservative, Liberal or American Paris, Antarctica and Shopping Personal Protection Dispute Resolution Jumped or Pushed? Friends and Acquaintances Revenge and Vindication © 2010 Alan Douglas

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