|
|
|
Jewish World Review April 11, 2011 / 7 Nissan, 5771 Being in the No By Alan Douglas
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
My dogs and I are all graduates of the Pat Lacey School of Dog Obedience. The dogs received diplomas and graduation pictures while I got the bill. My wife and I devoted seven weeks of our lives to attending lectures, doing group drills, and completing our homework assignments. Graduation examinations were extensive. A hot dog and other treats were waved in front of the dogs or dropped on the floor in front of them. They could not eat them unless specifically given the "Okay" command. I believe my wife's primary motivation for sending the dogs to obedience school was really to train me. Whenever I approach a buffet, I automatically stop, and await the "Okay" command from my wife.
I learned a lot at doggie school that makes sense for human beings. One of those golden nuggets was this… If you shout, "No" at a dog it will excite them, it will confuse them, but they rarely know what it is that you want them to do. The criticism, shouting, and censure raise the emotional pitch, but are not helpful. At best, it will cause the dog to freeze. A dog will slink down to a subservient position, not because they are obeying your command, but because they know you are unhappy about something. Rather than saying, "No jumping," try saying "Sit."
A positive command tells them what action you want and expect them to do. They may or may not like it, but they know what is being asked of them. This lesson has merit for husbands and other lower life forms. Expressing your displeasure, pain, or anger with, "No" just isn't communicating. It generates emotions such as fear or rejection but doesn't communicate the topic. There are situations when there is not sufficient time for deep two-way communication. Discussions that include a full understanding and total communications are not conducted inside a burning building. Situations with violence, emergencies, and people distraught beyond reason, not only justify, but also demand we not have discussions. In some cases decisive commands are required.
The cliche, "What part of NO, don't you understand" explains why the word "NO" has no meaning to many people. Many speeches and sermons have given us the idea that the word is a moral challenge. Motivation speakers, coaches and fundraisers everywhere tout the power of persistence, salesmanship, and "Never take NO for an answer" as one of the highest virtues. NO is offered as a challenge, a test of persistence. "NO" is final, and a sign of self discipline when, we want to believe in it…such as in the advertising campaign directed at kids to "Just Say "NO" to drugs." Human beings need a reason, a reward, faith, or fear, if they are to abstain from temptation. Computers essentially work on binary system of on and off, up and down, yes or no. People aren't wired the same way. We have lots of distractions and plenty of emotional baggage.
And when you are on the receiving end…there are people and organizations that never give you an answer. Some people are timid, some embarrassed, or many lack authority to answer, so NO is the escape answer. Or they drag things out, call for endless meetings, just to avoid an answer. Your first step in these cases is to find out what is behind the resistance, before they reject your request. Many people are in a position of gatekeeper; they have the authority to reject, but not the power to approve. Politicians, editors, and colleges have developed complex and byzantine committee systems to refine "filtering out" to an art form.
If you get a true and final "NO", look at it as closure and as your marching orders to move forward. Out of all the cliches, maxims, and homilies on the subject, my favorite one is: "NO" is the second best answer." "NO" should be the command, "move forward." Get past not accepting their explanation for the big "NO." Accepting rejection is a sign of maturity, professionalism and protecting your sanity. Don't wallow or pout. You have better things to do with your life. If not, get to work on creating them.
Give clear directions as to what you want from others, and yourself. Accept rejection and move on. Life waves a lot of hot dogs, and other temptations in front of each of us. Be prepared to pounce, or to pass, with ethical and spiritual values to tell you when it is "Okay."
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
JWR contributor Alan Douglas, an author, media executive, speaker, and attorney, lives con brio- except when he is grumpy.
The Sixth Sense
© 2010 Alan Douglas
|
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||||
