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May 13, 2013
David G. Savage: Church-state, literally? Supreme Court weighing public school graduation in a church
May 10, 2013
Rabbi Berel Wein: Be all that you should be
May 8, 2013
Peter Ford: Why China is welcoming both Israel's Netanyahu and Palestinians' Abbas
Warren Richey: Obama administration quietly backs out of appeal over new contraceptive mandate
Fred Weir: At Kerry-Putin meeting, US-Russia relations thaw --- a tad
The Kosher Gourmet by Leela Cyd Ross : Almost too pretty to eat, this colorful salad with Sicilian inspiration will tickle the taste buds and delight your visual sensibility
May 6, 2013
May 3, 2013
Kids, kittens the Same? With employee perks at struggling Internet pioneer Yahoo! it's hard to tell
Sandy Kleffman: Artificial kidney offers hope to patients tethered to a dialysis machine
April 29, 2013
Roy Gutman: Poland's new Jewish museum celebrates life, doesn't revisit Holocaust
Mark Clayton: Terrorism in America: Is US missing a chance to learn from failed plots?
Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
Pete Spotts: Tiny satellites + cellphones = cheaper 'eyes in the sky' for NASA
April 26, 2013
Clifford D. May: Defense in the Age of Jihadist Terrorism
Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty
April 24, 2013
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Jewish World Review
Let me hear your body talk
By
Jim Mullen
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Spoiler alert! If you haven't had a colonoscopy yet, don't read any further. I don't want you to miss all the fun. First of all, everyone's happy to see you. The doctor was amazingly cheerful as he told me he'd never perforated anyone's colon yet, but there was a one in 5,000 chance he would.
"How many colonoscopies have you done?"
"About 4,999. Now if you could just sign this form that says I told you about the one-in-5,000 chance, we can give you something to relax, and I'll go to work."
The guy sticking electrode clips to my chest couldn't have been happier. The nurse who put a toasty-hot flannel blanket over me also seemed happy. All I could think about was, please finish this so I can run out of here and get something to eat. I'd been on special diets for a week. Don't eat this; don't eat that; two days before only liquids; one day before only clear liquids. Drink this awful stuff and take these pills the night before. When I got to the clinic, the form asked me if I had taken all the Miralax and the Dulcolax that had been prescribed. I checked "yes." The next question was "What were the results?"
I don't know that it's possible to put down the results on the 1-inch-long blank space that was left for me on the form. There wasn't enough room to say "I got no sleep at all due to the fact that I had to run to the bathroom once an hour on the hour for 12 hours. Several times I got there with just seconds to spare. I am seven pounds lighter than I was yesterday, and my stomach is queasy. I haven't had any fruit or vegetables in five days and I may never eat chicken consomme again."
Compared to that last night, the colonoscopy was a picnic. It only took about 15 minutes, it was painless, and it turns out that I have the colon of a 16-year-old. "A big, fat, out-of-shape 16-year-old," said the doctor as he handed me a summary of the procedure with color pictures of my colon included.
"Do you want me to e-mail them to your friends and family?"
"I'll just post them on my Facebook page when I get home."
The one thing they forgot to mention about the procedure was that the doctor pumps air in your colon as they do the colonoscopy to open it up, and the air will cause discomfort until you let it out.
"What does that mean, let it out?"
"Don't hold it in, let it out." I'm lying in bed in some kind of recovery room with about 20 other people within whispering distance.
"You mean.…"
"Yeah," she tells me. Call me repressed, but there are certain things I cannot do in public dance, drink, floss, spit, talk on a cell phone up to and including letting it out. "Letting it out" was a spoiler I wasn't quite ready to unleash on the public.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
Previously:
Babies deserve clean restrooms, too
3-year-old bear-killers are a thing of the past
Money-making ideas on the fly
Collecting and hoarding
Chain of fools
Please come pick up your acting awards, ESPN commentators, you've earned them
You've been superpoked by the U.S. gov't
e-Readin', e-Writin' and e-Rithmatic
A pose by any other name
Warning: Column contains 2010 spoilers
He loves only gold, only gold
Think about direction, wonder why …
Flushing your money down a diamond-studded toilet
More like wack Friday
The good, the ad and the ugly
The desert of the real
Let books be large and in charge
I was insulting people way before the Internet
GPS drill sergeant: Left, right, left!
Butterfly in the sky, you make winds go twice as high
Music to my ears it's not
You don't light up my life
Fair or not: Country living is far from Little House
A parable for the ages
Top 100 Cable news stories of the century
Green dumb
A developing story
Thinking outside the lunch box
What's good for the goose is good for the scanner
Newspapers will survive, but network TV?
A really big show of generation gaps
When pigs flu
The reports of our decline have been greatly exaggerated
Mergers and admonitions
Invest in gold: little, yellow, different
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative juice
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping
© 2009, NEA
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