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Nov. 19, 2009
Binyamin L. Jolkovsky: Please Listen to this Godcast (5 minutes)
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Nov. 18, 2009
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JWisdom.com: The (Jewish) Dating Game with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff (8 minutes)
Nov. 17, 2009
Steven Emerson: How Does the 4th Amendment Impact Terror Finance Investigations?
JWisdom.com: If Frank Sinatra married Edith Piaf with Rabbi Y.Y. Rubinstein (2 minutes) Life lessons from what would be regarded as the most inappropriate lyrics ever sung
Nov. 16, 2009
The Jewish Ethicist by Rabbi Dr. Asher Meir : When borrowing is stealing
JWisdom.com: Deconstructing faith with Rabbi Warren Goldstein (9 minutes)
Nov. 13, 2009
JWisdom.com Sarah's subjective reality with Rabbi Sroy Levitansky ( 6 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick: Obama's failure, Netanyahu's opportunity
Nov. 12, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet By Marialisa Calta : A sweet sweet potato treat
JWisdom.com Does God get tired? with Rabbi Harvey Belovski ( 5 minutes)
Nov. 11, 2009
Rabbi Avi Shafran: Jews and money: When anti-Semitism isn't
JWisdom.com Marriages are not made in Heaven with Rabbi Lawrence Hajioff (VERY fast 15 minutes)
Nov. 10, 2009
Michael Doyle: Author of book exposing CAIR ordered to remove supporting documents from Web
JWisdom.com If the creation so loudly shouts the existence of the Creator, why aren't more people believers? with Rabbi Naftali Brawer (9 minutes)
Nov. 9, 2009
Mark Steyn: Shooter exposes hole in U.S. terror strategy
JWisdom.com It's never too late to have a happy childhood with Sarah Chana Radcliffe (5 minutes)
Nov. 6, 2009
Rabbi Berel Wein: Choosing to hear
JWisdom.com Zero to 1/60th: How to Empower An Hour with Gavriel Aryeh Sande (7 minutes)
Caroline B. Glick The mullahs' big week
Suzanne Fields A Fallen Wall for Fallen Man
Nov. 5, 2009
The Kosher Gourmet: Three scrumptious -- but simple -- butternut squash dishes
JWisdom.com Hidden Hints: Unlocking Faith & Prayer with Rabbi Jay Yaacov Schwartz (10 minutes)
Nov. 4, 2009
Tom Hamburger and Kim Geiger: Should prayers be covered?
JWisdom.com When God played peacemaker With Rabbi Sroy Levitansky (5 minutes)
Nov. 3, 2009
Martin Peretz: Beware, Barack. Beware, Rahm. Beware, Axelrod
JWisdom.com Are you are closet idolater? With Sara Yoheved Rigler (10 minutes)
Nov. 2, 2009
Paul Greenberg: The Holocaust is now on Facebook
JWisdom.com Abraham's Strange Change With Rabbi Yitzchok Fingerer (5 minutes)
Oct. 29, 2003
Mortimer B. Zuckerman: Graffiti On History's Walls (MUST-READ!)

Jewish World Review April 7, 2006 / 9 Nissan, 5766

A Dramatic Turn for the Worse: Can you believe people paid 10 grand to see me act?

By Gene Weingarten


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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When I naively agreed to perform in a comedy-drama for charity, I was unaware of the peculiar sort of pressure I would be under: It turned out that some people were paying as much as $10,000 for a seat. ( I like to think of myself as a sophisticated and knowledgeable patron of the arts, but the only seat for which I would pay $10,000 would be the one attached to Salma Hayek.)


I didn't learn about the pricey seats until opening night, and here is how I learned it: I drove up to the theater and parked in a section reserved for the performers. An elegant lady approached and asked if I was going to be onstage. I realized she was doing her best to avoid looking at my car but was not entirely succeeding — the sort of thing that happens when you try to hand over cash to a homeless person without noticing the hygiene of his trousers. My car is 15 years old and is nearly indistinguishable from an industrial trash receptacle.


This woman was quite pleasant and polite, if rawther formal. I imagined her name to be something like "Pinky." I realized my error when she was summoned away by her husband, who resembled Neville Chamberlain, only more dignified. Her real name was "Bitsy."


That is when I inquired about the seat prices, and learned the terrifying truth.


I was already a little nervous, ever since receiving the script. The fact is, I always secretly wanted to be an actor, but reluctantly abandoned this career path because I have no acting talent, and physically resemble a polyp, and have a terrible voice. My voice is nasal and high-pitched. I sound like a mosquito.


To recapitulate, I am (1) ugly and (2) have a bad voice, so I was unnerved when I received the script and discovered that I would be performing in scenes with (1) George Stephanopoulos, the international heartthrob, and (2) Kojo Nnamdi, the voice of God. (If you are not a habitue of National Public Radio, Kojo Nnamdi makes James Earl Jones sound like Tweety Bird.)


This was a highly uncharacteristic production for Washington's venerable Arena Stage, in the sense that it sucked. That was sort of the idea, it turns out. None of the performers actually knew his or her lines. We read from scripts. Everyone was playing himself — the plot involved senators and congressmen, and the kidnapping of pundits and media types — and, apparently, mess-ups would only add to the fun. Bitsy would be laughing at us!


This is an annual event, so I asked an Arena Stage person what was the worst mess-up from years past. She said that one year someone answered a phone before it rang, which didn't seem all that terrible to me. I asked if anyone had ever, like, thrown up onstage from nervousness. She said no, but she said it in a way that led me to understand that if I wished to explore that form of artistic expression, management wouldn't mind at all.


Backstage was a madhouse. I admit I was a little awed by the celebs who were there, and at one point I told Stephanopoulos I was a fan of his show, which definitely would have been true if I had ever actually seen his show. A few minutes later, we found ourselves waiting for our cue. Our cue was to be the theme song from "Charlie's Angels," a show with which I was unfamiliar. When some music was played, I asked George if that was from "Charlie's Angels."


"No," he said. "Actually, that's the theme to my show."


The performance went off pretty well, considering. No one barfed or answered a phone that didn't ring, and more than $200,000 was raised to fund a theater arts program for inner-city kids. It was a real feel-good evening, a state of mind that continued even after the show, when I met a woman who complimented me profusely on my performance and said she reads my column all the time. She even mentioned two columns in particular. Both were by Dave Barry.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.


Gene Weingarten writes the Below the Beltway humor column for The Washington Post. To comment, please click here.


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