Ah, spring is in the air.
The sun is shining and the birds are singing. The trees are beginning to bud and the flowers are beginning to blossom. But I'm not feeling as cheerful as I usually do this time of the year.
Perhaps it has to do with one of our more disruptive spring trends: protesting. Thousands came out last week to voice their anger over an immigration bill being debated in the House. The bill seeks, among other things, to make illegal immigrants illegal and to establish borders where our borders are.
These concepts incensed protesters. They said the bill fails to celebrate the spirit that made America great. They said it is unpatriotic. Then they marched off with the Mexican flag high above their heads.
But at least our protesters were relatively orderly. In France, thousands of young men are furious because their government wants to give employers the right to fire them if, during their first two years of employment, employers are unhappy with their work.
We Americans can't fully grasp what they're angry about. We work a lot more than 35 hours a week and generally accomplish financial well-being through education and determination. The French throw rocks, set fires and roll cars, which is one way to know it's spring over there.
Spring is a time for love — or, to be more precise, a time for sexual harassment. In Lorain, Ohio, an 8-year-old boy was subjected to "emergency removal" from his school for allegedly sexually harassing a girl in gym glass — a girl, the investigation allegedly showed, he had the audacity to write love letters to.
This incident demonstrates yet again how the male animal, always looking for an opportunity to harass, oppress or otherwise agitate the superior sex, becomes especially troublesome when the trees begin to bud and the earth comes to life. It should serve as a warning to women to keep their guards up.
Spring is a time to reflect, a time to realign ourselves with the greater truths — as Democrats are doing.
With America in the middle of a war, Democrats know we must band together, which is why they're making outrageous accusations pertaining to the president. Aware that America must not weaken its president in the eyes of the world, they accuse him of lying, corruption and incompetence every day.
It's hard not to daydream in spring, and Democrats are doing that, too. Just last week they said that they, not Republicans, will be more aggressive fighting terror, that they'll be more supportive of the military, that only they can track down bin Laden, and that we must not do anything to appear divided to our enemies.
And they said these things with a straight face.
Spring used to offer us a respite from the woes of the world, thanks to baseball, the great American pastime. About this time every year, I think of sitting in the stands with an ice-cold beer. I think of the crack of a ball against a wooden bat. I think of spoiled athletes who inject themselves with chemicals that allow them to smack baseballs into the stratosphere.
Ah, yes, it's spring, a time of sweet, cool breezes that won't, we should be certain now, be sweet or cool for long.
We should be worried — very worried — according to Time magazine, because the global-warming debate is over. It is man who is causing the polar ice caps to melt and the climate to crash. Pretty soon our new spring ritual will involve frying eggs on the hoods of our cars.
One of the definitions of spring is "to move upward or forward," but with the world clearly going to hell, I'm wondering if spring should still be called spring this year. Perhaps we ought to call it something more realistic, such as "we're all going to die" or "what's the point?"
In any event, I'm not as cheerful this spring as I usually am. Oh, well, at least things are going well over in Iraq.
