Viewing the highly watched ABC Series, "Desperate Housewives" you get the
impression the housewives of Wisteria Lane and everywhere U.S.A. are the
really desperate. However, in other favorite TV series such as "The O.C.,"
"Laguna Beach"(Orange County) and "The Real Housewives of the O.C.," ( Cota
de Caza in the O.C.) the women lead lives of extreme style, prestige,
comfort and luxury.
So who's the really "desperate" here? Perhaps it is the men folk — those
who are husbands or ex-husbands. My premise is that in the real O.C. and
counties elsewhere the truly desperate are the men who have to pay for all
these unnecessary materialistic goods with cash/credit and in the process
suffer emotional distress.
The other evening I ran into an old friend. "Hi Mike, what's happening," he
said.
"It's been a busy month," I replied. We bought a new house at the top of
Shady Canyon. My wife got a brand new Beamer convertible and I bought a
2006
CLS 500 Mercedes sedan for myself. Picked up a new Audi to bang arouind in
when
the status stuff is in the repair shop. My son is getting married next
month in the
East and my daughter who married last September is expecting triplets. So
after all the chaos settles down we are all going to Italy where the family
has rented a villa by the sea for three months.
"Really," he replied somewhat surprised, before he realized I was kidding
and not playing the, "Orange County One-Upsmanship Game."
In a recent male focus group the married guys admitted they would be just
as happy in their old homes rather than their top of the hill Newport Coast
views of the Ocean — or Shady Canyon views of the shade. The monthly
bills for the new $2-3 million mortgages, payments on prestige cars,
insurances, taxes, fancy cruises and multiple country clubs can be in the
tens of thousands per month! One broken soul told of his property taxes
jumping from $1200 to $20,000 a year.
The number of financially strung-out guys lying in Pacific View cemetery
from hypertension, heart attacks, strokes, GI bleeding, obesity, acute
anxiety attacks and depression increases monthly.
The divorced ex-husbands must pay alimony and child support in addition to
their 'incremental" living and dating expenses. They also play by an unique
set of courting rules. They know women love to date older men — provided
they have tons of money. So they have come up with a sliding monetary scale
for romance. If you are older than 60 you can date a younger women provided
you meet certain criteria. This adds more mental and financial stress.
A 60 year old ex-husband must be worth $25 million to date a 50 year old
woman, $50 million for a 40 year old, $100 million to date a 30 year old
and 250 million for a 20 year old. If he dates someone his own age he gets
a break; he need only be out of bankruptcy.
Now there are some exceptions to the monetary dating scale. James, "Harley
Jim," V. F., 60 and divorced with less than $25 million in the bank, lives
with a beautiful 35 year old lady of Asian-Italian heritage. But "Harley
Jim" has a custom Harley Davidson Deuce Cycle with about $50,000 worth of
upgrades making it the fastest scooter in the West. He also drives a black
Mercedes 500 CLS. No woman can drive fast enough to get away. Jim is
available for free dating consultations at a local Newport Beach coffee
shop named Kean's.
Adding to all this suffering is the contempt some ex-wives have for
ex-husbands and men in general. A beautiful O.C. divorced lady in her late
forties told me that when her husband left her for a secretary she replaced
him with a puppy for companionship. She neutered Rover immediately and a
month
later clipped his vocal cords because a neighbor complained about barking.
Still, this poor dear has no clue why the guys won't ask her out.
As I see it the social, economic and political problem is that no one
speaks up for the stressed American husbands or ex's. The last half decade
has seen a plethora of political action groups for the minorities, women,
and gay-lesbian lobbies — but few or none for the desperate husbands.
So in summary, maybe what we need is a new reality series called "The Real
Desperate Husbands of Orange County". It is these men who desperately need
some TLC in the O.C. and throughout the country.
Editor's Note: Michael Scott Glueck III, M.D., is writing this week's
column under a pseudonym to avoid having his computer cords clipped.
