In another baseless act of unjustified aggression, the United States has announced plans to launch an attack on the moon.
NASA says it will crash a rocket into innocent Luna in 2009, looking for water. It will hit the poor rock so hard that we will see the explosion here on Earth. Good Lord, why not put Pennzoil stickers on the rocket for that NASCAR touch, and launch the strike when the moon's in a crescent phase so we can infuriate the Muslim world?
This is so typical. So American. We're not content destroying this planet — we have to go out of our way to ruin the moon with phallic-shaped devices. Why don't we drill for oil in the pristine Venusian swamps while we're at it? Sure, it's a barren, poisonous deathscape — but a decent nation would spend billions to put caribou on another planet, just to make sure it's never exploited for its natural resources.
If you're not spending sleepless nights worrying whether the batteries on our Martian rovers may leak and contaminate the water we think we found, you're just not paying attention.
To return to the immediate crisis: Why the moon? Lunarians were not involved in 9/11. Don't tell me: That's where Saddam hid the WMD, or got some yellowcake. In any case, it's a distraction from the failing economy, what with jobless rates hitting a new low ... no, that's not it. It's a distraction from the American casualties in Iraq, which have been falling for five straight months ... hold on, we'll get it.
Ah! It's a cover for the United States' devious plans, revealed by super-patriot Seymour Hersh, to nuke Iran. The anti-moon missile goes up, falls on Iran, we say "my bad," and that's the end of that chapter.
Listen up: If George W. Bush wants to go to the moon, then going to the moon is wrong. The MOON is wrong. What else could we do with the money?
We could spend it on Social Security. If the heroic pro-illegal demonstrators get their way, and citizenship is granted to everyone who puts a toe over the border, we're going to need billions and billions to pay for their benefits. There's no point in going to the moon, unless it's full of Secret Nazi Gold hidden in the last, chaotic days of Hitler's mad regime. In which case that would make a most excellent Discovery Channel documentary. I'll make the popcorn.
We could spend the money on education, because as we all know there is a certain amount of per-pupil expenditures which, if attained, will magically erase every dysfunctional cultural element that holds so many kids back. We don't know what that sum is; spend some more, and they'll tell us if we're getting warmer.
We could spend it on the deficit, because there is no more heroic measure of a nation than its credit score.
Or we could go to the moon, build bases, then go to Mars, just as NASA proposes. Why? Because we can. And if we can, we should. It's a mark of confidence in ourselves and our future. We can fight murderous collectivists with one hand and reach for the stars with the other. Just like the '60s!
Only this time, perhaps, we'll stay focused on both tasks. Otherwise our children will look at the moon and imagine Chinese flags. Is such a worry acceptable these days, or is it xenophobic and racist to root for your own country?
As much as it may pain the progressives who regard the United States as a suppurating carbuncle on Gaia's pained face, America is the most multicultural nation on this planet. Who better to return to the moon and plant the Stars and Stripes on behalf of all mankind?
Besides, the flag will probably be made in China. So it's win-win all around.
