It happened again last week, the start of a new major league baseball season, which means another opportunity for the
president of the United States to embarrass, humiliate and degrade himself by attempting to throw out the first pitch.
President Bush actually did okay, with his ceremonial throw in Cincinnati hitting the catcher's glove high and wide of home
plate. He looked very athletic for a man who's been known to fall off his mountain bike five times just getting out of the driveway.
But Bush is a former college baseball star and former part-owner of the Texas Rangers. If his self-proclaimed "slow ball" sailed
high and wide one can only imagine how inept a President Hillary Clinton, a President Barbara Boxer, or a President Dennis
Kucinich might look.
Mr. Bush is a huge improvement over past presidents who traditionally exhibit form on opening day that can only be compared
to Rosie O'Donnell in "A League Of Their Own."
Is it a good idea to allow the Leader of the Free World to publically look this bad? When he attends G-8 economic summits
do we want the other seven leaders snickering in group photos because our president was on CNN the night before throwing like a
pansy?
The president throwing out the first pitch out of his element, sort of like the opening rounds of American Idol where the singers
sound like wild, hiccupping rhinos if wild, hiccupping rhinos were handed microphones and lyric sheets.
It could be even worse. Imagine like some Eastern European nations our national pastime was ice dancing, and on opening
day a sequined outfit-wearing president tossed his appointed doubles ice dancing partner ten feet in the air and then dropped her
face first when attempting to catch her?
Or suppose this was a Central American nation best known in the global community for our tan lines, drug cartels and as a
place where cruise ships full of nauseated passengers were forced to dock en route to someplace decent, and the National Pastime
was Dwarf Tossing? You think that Thanksgiving photo op of the president standing between two turkeys looks dumb.
This White House made no effort to cover up the fact that over the weekend in Crawford, Texas Bush practiced throwing to
White House Deputy Chief of Staff Joe Hagin. I've never understood this. The Avian flu could be heading this way while our
leader is working on his delivery. (With Dick Cheney possibly in the Rose Garden shouting "Pull!" as Scooter Libby tosses
plastic decoys in the air.) Wouldn't it be better for Americans to think the president never practiced, and that's why he looks
as out of place on a baseball field as Jillian Barberie at a Mensa meeting?
Normally the only time non-professionals are allowed on the field of play is when some lucky ticket holder is invited to shoot a
halfcourt shot at an NBA game, or kick a field goal during halftime of an NFL game to win a free car. A bit of advice — if your ticket is
called to attempt the lucky shot — DO NOT GO! The slim chance of winning a car — almost always a KIA — is not worth the lifetime of
embarrassment when your shot/kick lands several feet from you and the crowd gives you a smattering of pity applause. (Or, if you
live in Philadelphia, drowns you in a sea of beer, expletives and fecal matter).
If your ticket number is called it's far better to simply sneak out of the stadium or hand your ticket to another fan who will
disgrace themselves and be forced to move from the community in the dark of night.
Which is what the president should do on Opening Day next season.
Granted, baseball is our National Pastime, but it's time to leave America's National Pastime to the players — the
Francisco's, the Jesuses, the Hidecki's, the Tadahito's, and that select group of native-born Americans with access to
the really good growth hormone. Thus when we see the smiling group photo from G-8 summits we know the other seven leaders are
grinning because they're happy, not because the president's first pitch bounced nine times before arriving at home plate.
