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Jewish World Review April 7, 2005 / 27 Adar II, 5765 An action plan for change By Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg Enhancing a child's refinement can be done, but there must be guidelines http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Last week, we addressed the need for creating a character "portfolio" for our children in order to help them grow in refinement. We suggested making an assessment by listing what appears to be their strengths and their weaknesses. Let us presume that this task was completed. Now what? We need to use the completed inventory to foster growth and steady advantage  —  but within the limits of reasonable expectations. In an effort to spur change, we take an honest look at our current self and compare it with what we want to become. And that can, understandably, appear to be overwhelming. Taking on too much at once   —   trying to change ourselves too quickly   —   inevitably ends up being counterproductive. Most people find themselves breaking under unnaturally high standards, trying to live at levels that they are not ready for. Because of this, our sages encourage us to progress slowly. Rather than give up or burn-out because the task is too hard, we should take on the challenge by breaking it into small pieces. The Klauzenberger Rebbe, Rabbi Yekusiel Yehudah Halbertsam, zt"l, offered a priceless interpretation on the biblical narrative describing the patriarch Jacob's dream of the ladder. The Torah tells us that Jacob saw a "ladder planted in the ground, whose top reached the heavens, and behold there were angels of G-d ascending and going down." Taught the Rebbe: If we try to ascend and swiftly transform ourselves into angels, we will fall right back down. The great contemporary philosopher, Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe, offers some practical advice on how to develop and change one's character a step at a time. He suggests that an individual begin by taking limited action   —   say, performing three little acts of kindness daily. After a few of months, it's inevitable that one will start to really develop sensitivity to people, seeing what they need, thinking how to help them and become a truly kind person. If, for example, one wants to stop being a hot-head, he suggests that instead of just resolving to be patient and never lose one's temper   —   try taking on a half hour of patience every day. But where does one begin? PRIORITIZING GROWTH In choosing the areas of character to refine, should we focus on one's greatest weakness, which while in dire need of rectifying, may in fact be too difficult to change, or do we look at an area in which we can be confident of successful results? I believe the answer is … both. We should select the strongest positive quality and work on making it even better. But at the same time find an area of weakness that has the highest chance for success. With children particularly, success will create further motivation to continue working toward refinement. Bear in mind, though, that when selecting an area of character to improve, there are some that one should never work on because the chances for success are almost zero. For example, when a parent shares their frustration with me about their child's lack of organization, my advice to the parent is to seek ways to compensate for that shortcoming, but not try to change that trait. I have not yet seen a child change in this area. The Hebrew word middah has two meanings   —   character trait and measurement. Our character traits need to be balanced. In successfully changing a middah, we are often told that we must to go to the opposite extreme. But this is true only for a limited period of time. Ultimately, we want to reach a happy medium. As Maimonides writes in Hilchos Daos (1:2), balanced character traits are ideal (except in regard to arrogance and anger). Thus, when it comes to working on an action plan for change, there is usually no wrong way. There can be different approaches to change and one must select the approach that works best. Obviously, if we don't succeed the first time or the second we continue trying. We can't give up on this area  —  as the great Talmudist, the Vilna Goan, (1720-1797) explained, "A person is alive only in order to break a [negative] character trait that he has not broken until now. Therefore, one should always strengthen one's self; for if he does not strengthen himself, why is he alive?" What next? Oh yes! I forgot to mention one crucial part of the action plan. It must contain a method and timeline of review. How often will you revisit the portfolio, and subsequent action plan, and how will you measure success? That I leave to your own comfort level. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes upliting articles. Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Rabbi S. Binyomin Ginsberg is dean of Torah Academy in Minneapolis, MN. and a columnist for Yated Ne'eman. Let him know what you think by clicking here. © 2005, Yated Ne'eman