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Jewish World Review April 13, 2005 / 4 Nisan, 5765 Audit red flags By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
This time of year many Americans fret about the third worst fate known to humankind (next to being incarcerated in a Turkish prison or receiving a late night call from Pat O'Brien): a tax audit. Thus, to help the American public avoid the dreaded A-word, I have compiled this list of potential audit red flags.
1) "Deducting your pets." My accountant says many Americans actually try to deduct their pets, which would be the first practical use ever for a cat. However, the I.R.S., utilizing the latest ultra high-tech, scam-targeting technology, has specially programmed computers designed to root out any return taking a deduction for a "Mr. Whiskers."
2) "Living above one's means." When you claim an income of $12,000 per year and your pad is a 5,000 square foot mansion with indoor lap pool and you own a Ferrari, those things are all okay. However, if you recently paid cash for a full tank of gasoline or a grand latte at Starbucks, that's going to raise some IRS eyebrows.
3) Attempting to deduct a losing bar bet for the time an inebriated guy named Buck claimed he could drink a glass of vodka through his nose, and you said he couldn't, and it turned out he could — red flag.
4) "Questionable requests for extensions." Everyone knows the tax filing deadline is mid April, but it's possible to file for an extension.. The following requests will elicit IRS scrutiny:
C). Filing for the "Dan Rather Extension." (All the documents you turn in are fake.)
6) When the IRS catches one small infraction, and you ask if you can "take a mulligan" on the entire return — red flag.
7). "Claiming the neighbor kids as dependants." Although they spend 90% of their time on your front porch hawking Girl Scout cookies, Cub Scout light bulbs, every-magazine-known-to-man, "Brownie Timeshares" and "Indian Guide aluminum siding" you cannot deduct the junior Willy Lomans from next door. (Question: what do you do in Indian Guides these days — open little mini casinos?)
8) "Depreciating your spouse." We all get older, and frequently grumpier, and some of us lose our hair. However, the IRS takes a dim view of writing off your husband or wife's decline. And besides, with age comes wisdom.
9) On the portion of the tax form where it asks you to "List all income from tips" and you write, "HA-HA-HA-HA!! THAT'S A GOOD ONE. YOU GOT ANY MORE FUNNY JOKES?" you likely are in for an audit.
10) "Instead of stapling your W-2 form to your return you're so disorganized you staple your grocery list." (Florida residents only: you're so confused you staple a ballot with a vote for Al Gore to your return.)
There are literally hundreds more things you can do to trigger an audit.
At all cost avoid the following: Enclosing a dollar bill with your return so the head of the IRS can "buy a heart on Ebay;" drawing a 'sad face' inside the zeroes on 1040; and, replacing the last page of your tax form with a chain letter, informing the IRS that, "John Smith failed to send this to twenty-five friends and was found with an axe through his nose."
The important thing is to save all your receipts. I religiously saved every significant receipt in an old shoe box for seventeen years. Unfortunately, when I was audited I grabbed the wrong shoe box, and when I got to the IRS office all I had to show for my itemized deductions from 1990 — 1994 was a pair of brown penny loafers. By the time I left the office I still had the loafers, but the I.R.S. had the pennies.
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© 2005, Brad Dickson |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
