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Jewish World Review March 7, 2013 / 25 Adar, 5773 Ten Nonexistent Words That Words With Friends Pretends Are Real By Lewis Grossberger http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | 1. Bigly: You hear people saying "bigly" a lot these days? I don't. Or these nights, either. How, exactly, would you use it in a sentence, anyway? "This goiter has turned bigly on me?" "Wow, that's one bigly old set of genitalia you've got there?" "Hey, don't be getting' all bigly with me, mister?" The only thing I can possibly imagine being described as bigly might be an obese piggly wiggly but four-year-olds don't play Words With Friends much, I'm told. 2. Unbe: As Hamlet (never) used to say, "to be or to unbe, that is the question." Unbe-lievable is what this non-word is. In seven decades of conversing, reading and listening, I've unbeen able to ever come across anyone using "unbe." Except, of course, in Words With Friends. 3. Ajee: I checked this out with Merriam-Webster Online, which said-get this, lexicography fans-"This word doesn’t usually appear in our free dictionary, but the definition from our premium Unabridged Dictionary is offered here on a limited basis." And what's their definition? "A variant spelling of agee." And what does agee mean? Nothing! Agee has no definition listed, just a biographical note for the writer James Agee. (Proper nouns of course are not allowed in Words With Friends.) That's right,"ajee" is a variant spelling of a word that has no meaning! 4. Wame: Sounds like something out of Jabberwocky. 'Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wame. Or maybe something out of Cheers. You know, that place where everybooby nodes your wame. Anyway, wame is lame, Mame. The dictionary says it means "belly," and is "chiefly Scottish." Frankly, I doubt that even the hoariest Scots ever opine that they need to put some haggis in their wames, but in any event, if "wame" is Scottish, it unbe English, which is the language Words With Friends is allegedly played in, though I'm beginning to wonder. 5. Oxim: Quick, Jasper, hitch up that there team of oxim to the wagon! That can't be what Words With Friends has in mind, can it? I don't know, maybe one lumpy bovine is an ox, a pair of them are oxen and three are oxim? Or maybe Words With Friends is run by inebriated sesquipedalians who are trying to make us all non compos mentis. 6. Taka: My grandmother used to say "taka" a lot but she was speaking the lost tongue of the ancients-you know, Yiddish-and the game is not supposed to be Words With Bubbes. Ye olde online dictionary alleges that "taka" is "the basic monetary unit of Bangladesh, equal to 100 poisha." But I don't believe that for a second. I don't believe Bangladesh even has a monetary unit. I believe they use the barter system, paying for goods and services in bigly oxim and then rubbing each other's wames for good luck. That's what I believe. 7. Amie: "Amie" is indisputably, incontestably French. You know, that language chiefly spoken in France? English it certainly is not. There are no "amies" in English. So why is it allowed? If I were playing Mots Avec Amies, I'd say, "Amie, c'est magnifique! Once in amour with Amie, always in amour with Amie." But this ain't France. Ain't even French Canada. 8. Agio: Possibly a Bulgarian variant of "ajee?" Possibly a contraction of "adagio?" Possibly an Italian curse? Possibly it doesn't exist? Odds are the last one wins the cup. You're not fooling anyone, WWF. But you are giving me agita which, for all I know, may be the plural of agio. 9. Lungee: I know what you're thinking: the lungee is the guy the lunger lunges at. Well, you're wrong. This faux mot is out to lunge. 10. Jura: I suppose this word could denote the twelve citizens chosen to decide court cases in the deep South, except it isn't. Oh, there are places named Jura: A canton in Switzerland, a mountain range in Switzerland and France and an island of the Hebrides, but there is no lower-case jura to be found anywhere. Zynga, as you're doubtless aware, is the company that brings us Words With Friends. According to Wikipedia, it "was named in honor of Zinga, CEO Mark Pincus's late American bulldog." I guess when you give your company a name like Zynga, you figure, why stop now? Let's just keep making up stupid words. Fade in: A tall, gaunt, bearded figure in a top hat rides his horse slowly through ghastly battlefield carnage, pausing to inspect a corpse-strewn barricade, where he finds a man pinned beneath a body. Jean Valjean (Hugh Jackman): Can you 'elp me, monsieur le président? Lincoln (Daniel Day-Lewis): You're alive? Valjean: Hard to say. Zees slave I am rescuing, Django? He ees too heavy. I 'ave collapsed beneath hees weight and now I am needing zee surgery of knee réplahcemawn. Lincoln: You are valiant, sir. Valjean: Non, I am Valjean. Lincoln: You remind me of a fellow I knew back in Kentucky when I was splitting rails. He was a pig farmer, you see, and one day he come runnin' into town all in a lather and-" A small boy in a scout uniform rushes up. Tad Lincoln (overly cute child actor): Father, father, the House is voting on the torture bill. We've got to get back to Washington to bribe more Congressmen so we can waterboard reb prisoners and capture Robert E. bin Laden! A bald but beautiful woman pokes her head out of a pile of bodies and sings a haunting, soaring ballad. Maya (Jessica Chastain): I dreamed I dreamt a dreamy dream/and though I often don't recall what I was dreaming/this time I can and it makes me scream/No one at the fu---ing CIA/would let me do my terrorist screening. Lincoln: Pretty tune, ma'am, and I do admire the way you can sing and sob at the same time. Now anyway, this pig farmer, he says, 'Folks, I gotta warn you, some of my giant, feral hogs have got loose and-'" A herd of giant, feral hogs gallops across the landscape in slow motion. Lincoln: Why, that's downright uncanny. My compliments to the special-effects boys. Thaddeus Stevens (Tommy Lee Jones): Abe, never mind the pigs, never mind bin Laden, never mind Frenchy and Django, forget the folksy anecdote. The Iranians have stormed our embassy in Tehran and taken our people hostage. We've got to mount a rescue operation and there's only one man can pull it off: Benjamin Affleck of Massachusetts. Lincoln: Well, that may be, Thad, but right now I need to go home and have a big argument with my crazy wife. She's waitin' up for me and she's fit to be tied. A rich, foppish Mississippi plantation owner gallops over and hails them. Calvin J. Candie (Leonardo DiCaprio): Has anyone seen my ni**er? I have lost a ni**er and I will pay top dollar to anyone finds the ni**er. He is a very valuable ni**er, this ni**er of mine as he is bi**er than the average ni**er and is no ni**ardly ni**er, this ni**er but a smart, handsome ni**er, who never ni**les over fi**ers. His butler Stephen (Samuel L. Jackson): You is right, massa. Oh, how right you is. (whispering to Lincoln) This cracker motherf---er don' know what the f-ck he talkin' 'bout. Dr. Shultz (Christoph Waltz) pulls out a derringer and shoots Candie and Stephen. Gallons of blood fly out of their falling bodies in slo-mo. Lincoln: These ever-mounting casualties weigh heavily upon my soul. Dr. Schultz: Ach du lieber! Vill you bin looken at dot crazy plane up dere! Overhead, a jetliner flips upside down and crashes onto the battlefield. The pilot staggers out. He is clearly drunk. Whip Whitaker (Denzel Washington): I swear, I'm off the sauce forever. I looked into the passenger compartment and there was some wacky kid being chased around by his pet tiger. Whoa, Betsy! A French gendarme, Inspector Javert (Russell Crowe), approaches and fires a shotgun at Whip, blowing his head clean off his body. Javert then sings. Javert: At last my search is done/I've got my man/I've had my fun/What's left for me now?/Nothing but the gun. He puts the shotgun in his mouth and blows his head off. A shower of blood and brainy bits falls over everyone. Lincoln: And now this awful conflict has spread to the great nations of Europe. How sad. How terribly sad. A scoutmaster (Edward Norton) rushes up, and salutes President Lincoln. Scoutmaster Ward: Sir, one of my scouts has run off with a neurotic prepubescent girl. Have you seen them? Lincoln: What is the boy's name? Ward: Tad. Tad Lincoln. Lincoln: Oh, dear. My wife will blame me for this and I won't have a moment's peace. Can anyone help me find him? Alfred Hitchcock (Anthony Hopkins): I can't help you find him, Mr. President, but I can help you with Mrs. Lincoln. When does she usually shower? Lincoln: Please, sir, put that knife away. We have had more than enough violence in this terrible conflict that has torn our great nation asunder, turning man against wife and pig against farmer. Lancaster Dodd (Philip Seymour Hoffman): You're absolutely right, Mr. President. My new philosophical movement, The Process, is the only thing that can extricate us from the psychological devastation we've suffered as a nation. If you'll step over to my wagon, I have a brochure that explains everything. Lincoln: All right, sir. I am so weary and heartsick, I am ready to listen to even a charlatan like yourself. Dodd: Right this way. Just be careful not to rile up my thuggish assistant, Freddie. Post-traumatic stress disorder, you know. Jean Valjean: For zee love of Spielberg, would someone get me out of zis stinking pile of corpses? The corpses burst into song and are joined by the ghosts of those who have died in the last few minutes as well as several Oscar winners from movies of previous years. All: Do you hear the people snore/snoring the snore of tired men/It is the music of a people/who won't shell out $12 again/When you're sitting in your seats/so long your heart no longer beats/you know you'll be dead/before tomorrow comes. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Comment on JWR contributor and humorist Lewis Grossberger's column by clicking here. Previously: 07/13/10 LeBron James controversy has spawned a brand new controversy even more ridiculou 07/06/10: Licensed to kill time (or: Whatever became of good old 007?) 05/03/10: The ten sure ways to age well 04/28/10: Charlie Rose interviews the world's number one spewer of cliches 11/12/09: Is it morally wrong to kill a texter? 10/29/09: Annoyed 08/13/09: Better-than-most-fall-TV-previews fall TV preview 07/01/09: Many saddened by inability to join national outpouring of grief over Jackson 06/25/09: Tweeting the American Revolution 06/17/09: Who were the Collyer brothers? (Be the first to answer and win a basement full of old newspapers) 06/11/09: What we learn from the new Hitler photos 05/28/09: Beware: Don't Fall into the Clutches of the Hugger-Mugger © 2009, Lewis Grossberger

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