Jewish World Review
March 10, 2011
/ 4 Adar II, 5771
Putting on the squeeze: Women who have 'issues' with dressing their age
Call this one a wardrobe malfunction of a squeezing sort: Joan Collins wore a dress so tight at an Oscar party that it made her pass out. It was a pretty dress and not just pretty tight. She looked like a beautiful purple mermaid covered in jewels, pushing up two coconuts from the deep plunging neckline.
Joan Collins is 77. Old enough to start thinking about veiling the coconuts and hiking up the neckline but, like a lot of women, she may have some issues with dressing her age.
Collins said the dress was so constricting it made her feel dizzy, and then she fainted in the arms of her husband who is 32 years her junior. When she came to, she was surrounded by handsome firemen.
And for this we should feel sorry?
My personal hunch is that it wasn't just the tight dress that made Collins swoon; it may have been the undergarment beneath the dress. The entire fiasco has Spanx written all over it.
For those of you not abreast of ladies' shapewear, a Spanx is a small tube of industrial strength spandex strong enough to catapult a space shuttle to Mars. A woman squeezing herself into a Spanx is similar to a Polar bear squeezing itself through the PVC pipe beneath your kitchen sink.
I was the first to advocate that Spanx come with a caution from the Surgeon General: "Warning: Spanx may cause shortness of breath, lightheadedness, heartburn and the feeling that you are being sliced in two directly beneath the rib cage."
My first and last tangle with a Spanx was when I purchased a special occasion dress for a black-tie event. The alterations lady said the dress was a lovely fit, but the sales clerk said I might like to try a Spanx for extra support. If the Supreme Court has any lingering doubts as to what obscenity is, it is a middle-aged woman squeezing herself into a Spanx.
"Just step into it and shake yourself down," the clerk said. She proceeded to wait outside the fitting room. Apparently I wasn't shaking it down fast enough, as she began shouting, "Work it, girl, work it!" I considered not leaving the fitting room until after the store had closed.
Unfortunately, I didn't know then what I know now. And I'm thinking Joan Collins will thank me for knowing about this, too — Pajama Jeans. That's right, "Looks like denim, feels like PJs!"
The television commercial says Pajama Jeans are ideal for exercise, travel, shopping and more. I think the "and more" is Thanksgiving dinner, Christmas dinner, barbecue, bakery goods, loaded baked potatoes and maybe even the Oscars. "And more" might even mean sleeping in them and wearing them again the next day.
There is no shaking or working to get into Pajama Jeans. Pajama Jeans are forgiving, so forgiving that you probably won't even notice that you have been eating, sleeping and lounging in them for weeks at a time gaining 20 pounds without a moment of discomfort.
The best part is you will never pass out or lose consciousness in Pajama Jeans. Of course, that also means there goes your chance of passing out in the arms of a man 32 years your junior and being surrounded by attractive firemen.
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JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Catching Christmas" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.
© 2009, Lori Borgman