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May 24, 2013
May 22, 2013
John Thorne:
They launched the 'Arab Spring' but now yearn for the good old days of a strongman
May 20, 2013
Richard A. Serrano: Is Meir Kahane's assassin now a changed man?
Melissa Healy: Genetic copies of living people from embryos no longer science fiction
Jewz in the Newz by Nate Bloom : Jews Inducted into Rock Hall of Fame; Anton Yelchin co-stars in New "Trek" film; Kutcher (but not Kunis) visits Israel; Jewish TV Star Praises Jewish Rap Star
The Kosher Gourmet by Cathy Pollak: WARNING: This WALNUT CAKE WITH PRALINE FROSTING, perfect for afternoon coffee, is addicting
May 13, 2013
Rabbi Nathan Lopes Cardozo: Why the giving of the document that would permanently change the world could only be done in desolation
David G. Savage: Church-state, literally? Supreme Court weighing public school graduation in a church
May 10, 2013
Rabbi Berel Wein: Be all that you should be
May 8, 2013
Peter Ford: Why China is welcoming both Israel's Netanyahu and Palestinians' Abbas
Warren Richey: Obama administration quietly backs out of appeal over new contraceptive mandate
Fred Weir: At Kerry-Putin meeting, US-Russia relations thaw --- a tad
The Kosher Gourmet by Leela Cyd Ross : Almost too pretty to eat, this colorful salad with Sicilian inspiration will tickle the taste buds and delight your visual sensibility
May 6, 2013
May 3, 2013
Kids, kittens the Same? With employee perks at struggling Internet pioneer Yahoo! it's hard to tell
Sandy Kleffman: Artificial kidney offers hope to patients tethered to a dialysis machine
April 29, 2013
Roy Gutman: Poland's new Jewish museum celebrates life, doesn't revisit Holocaust
Mark Clayton: Terrorism in America: Is US missing a chance to learn from failed plots?
Kim Murphy: Boston Bomber's 'Svengali' Revealed
Pete Spotts: Tiny satellites + cellphones = cheaper 'eyes in the sky' for NASA
April 26, 2013
Clifford D. May: Defense in the Age of Jihadist Terrorism
Sharon Palmer, R.D.: How to feel your best -- with plenty of energy, a healthy weight and optimal mental and physical function -- without driving yourself batty
April 24, 2013
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Jewish World Review
Stuck in Folsom Penthouse
By
Jim Mullen
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The worst thing about being under house arrest isn't all of those weepy phone calls from clients who lost their life savings that my butler whines about answering. It isn't the cranky mail from senior citizens who've lost their retirement funds and have to work part-time at McBurger just to afford food that my lawyer reads to me during my morning spas. It's not even that I can't leave my penthouse. The worst thing is this gaudy ankle bracelet. It really chafes no matter how much cream my personal assistant, Dolph, rubs on it.
I'm thinking of firing Dolph. I caught him surfing Craigslist the other day. Dolph said he was just looking for an escort service, but I think he was really looking for another job.
I can't believe the bad press I'm getting. You lose $50 billion one time (Dear Reader My client admits no wrongdoing. His Lawyer) and suddenly you're the villain. Who hasn't (allegedly) made a few mistakes in life?
Besides, I'm 70-something years old. People my age do all kinds of crazy stuff. You ever seen us drive? C'mon, you can't expect me to remember every single deal I made. And ever since that accident in my Egyptian marble fireplace that burned all my financial records and their digital backups, it's been harder to recall details.
Not that my diet is helping my memory. Charles, my chef, is driving me crazy. I mean it's OK to have lobster salad with wild mushrooms for lunch, but twice in a month? I can't live like that. His dinners haven't been up to Cordon Bleu standards, either. He seems so distracted. But really, is it my fault his family can't afford health insurance? If I have to eat one more seven-course meal in the formal dining room, he'll be out of his toque before dessert, begging for a McBurger gig before week's end.
I watch a lot more TV now that I'm stuck indoors. By the way, while you might think watching CNBC on a hi-def, 60-inch plasma TV with theater-level surround would be cool common folk say cool, right? Or is it still neat-o? a few weeks worth of it is so dull. Though I admit, I've learned what I did wrong in my last sche... (Dear Readers "investor-friendly financial plan" His Lawyer).
Maybe being cooped up here is getting to me after all. I don't think I can make it in this place. Each day it's the same old Old Masters, same old Louis XIV furniture, same old masseuse, the same old 17,000-square-foot paradise. I'm wearing a path in the Persian carpets. I spent all day yesterday uploading a cute video of my kitty to YouTube, and had Dolph e-mail the link to all my former clients. Come on, who doesn't love kittens? If that doesn't make them feel better, they're just cold-hearted monsters.
Why can't the judge put me on house arrest in my Florida mansion during the winter, instead of here? At least in Florida, I can work on my tan by the pool. This is intolerable.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Comment by clicking here.
Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."
Previously:
Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative juice
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping
© 2009, NEA
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