Home
In this issue
April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Stuck in Folsom Penthouse

By Jim Mullen


Printer Friendly Version
Email this article

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The worst thing about being under house arrest isn't all of those weepy phone calls from clients who lost their life savings that my butler whines about answering. It isn't the cranky mail from senior citizens who've lost their retirement funds and have to work part-time at McBurger just to afford food that my lawyer reads to me during my morning spas. It's not even that I can't leave my penthouse. The worst thing is this gaudy ankle bracelet. It really chafes no matter how much cream my personal assistant, Dolph, rubs on it.


I'm thinking of firing Dolph. I caught him surfing Craigslist the other day. Dolph said he was just looking for an escort service, but I think he was really looking for another job.


I can't believe the bad press I'm getting. You lose $50 billion one time (Dear Reader — My client admits no wrongdoing. — His Lawyer) and suddenly you're the villain. Who hasn't (allegedly) made a few mistakes in life?


Besides, I'm 70-something years old. People my age do all kinds of crazy stuff. You ever seen us drive? C'mon, you can't expect me to remember every single deal I made. And ever since that accident in my Egyptian marble fireplace that burned all my financial records and their digital backups, it's been harder to recall details.


Not that my diet is helping my memory. Charles, my chef, is driving me crazy. I mean it's OK to have lobster salad with wild mushrooms for lunch, but twice in a month? I can't live like that. His dinners haven't been up to Cordon Bleu standards, either. He seems so distracted. But really, is it my fault his family can't afford health insurance? If I have to eat one more seven-course meal in the formal dining room, he'll be out of his toque before dessert, begging for a McBurger gig before week's end.


I watch a lot more TV now that I'm stuck indoors. By the way, while you might think watching CNBC on a hi-def, 60-inch plasma TV with theater-level surround would be cool — common folk say cool, right? Or is it still neat-o? — a few weeks worth of it is so dull. Though I admit, I've learned what I did wrong in my last sche... (Dear Readers — "investor-friendly financial plan" — His Lawyer).


Maybe being cooped up here is getting to me after all. I don't think I can make it in this place. Each day it's the same old Old Masters, same old Louis XIV furniture, same old masseuse, the same old 17,000-square-foot paradise. I'm wearing a path in the Persian carpets. I spent all day yesterday uploading a cute video of my kitty to YouTube, and had Dolph e-mail the link to all my former clients. Come on, who doesn't love kittens? If that doesn't make them feel better, they're just cold-hearted monsters.


Why can't the judge put me on house arrest in my Florida mansion during the winter, instead of here? At least in Florida, I can work on my tan by the pool. This is intolerable.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Comment by clicking here.

Jim Mullen is the author of "It Takes a Village Idiot: Complicating the Simple Life" and "Baby's First Tattoo."


Previously:


Collecting karma
Setting loose the creative ‘juice’
It's all in the numbers
You're damaging your brain with practical skills
The real rat pack
The unspeakable luxury of the Park-O-Matic
Gross-ery shopping



© 2009, NEA

Columnists

Toons

Lifestyles