Jewish World Review March 5, 2009 / 9 Adar 5769
Contest: Name Blagojevich's book
By John Kass
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Who the heck would ever plunk good money down to read a book titled "The Governor" by Rod Blagojevich?
That's the working title of Blagojevich's planned book, but it's a terrible title. That's why you readers are being enlisted to come up with a juicy, compelling title for our former Gov. Dead Meat's tell-all book, which was announced Monday.
If your title wins, you'll get a prize, and I mean a real prize this time, something tangible.
Because I'm writing the column, I get to go first. So how about this one:
"Et Tu, DeLeo?"
That's a reference to Blagojevich's former close friend, the former shadow governor of Illinois, state Sen. James DeLeo, D-How You Doin'?, who abandoned Gov. Dead Meat and voted to remove him from office after all the good times they had.
But at least Jimmy held a pre-impeachment fundraiser for Dead Meat at the Oak Brook, Ill., mansion of developer Ron Scarlato, according to a report in the Chicago Sun-Times. But the report didn't mention all the guys who showed up, including Melrose Park royalty.
So just send your Blago book title to me at firstname.lastname@example.org and the winner will receive a great prize, a fantastic prize, a marvelous prize.
I'm sure you'll come up with a better title than mine, although many good and bad ideas are already circulating at the Tribune, including "Impeach This!" and "Read This Book, It's (Bleeping) Golden!" sent to me by Tribune reporter Rex Huppke. Sadly, employees of the Tribune and their immediate families are prohibited from winning the prize.
I don't have the prize yet, but it will either be meat-related, in honor of Gov. Dead Meat's dead meat, perhaps a beef tongue or a lamb's heart or maybe some veal shanks for Osso Bucco. Or, better yet, how about a couple tickets to the smash hit play about Chicago politics and the late Mayor Richard J. Daley: "Hizzoner" starring the great character actor and my good friend Neil Guintoli?
What's pathetic is that the reports on the book deal suggest that the former governor is in line for a paltry six-figure advance.
If he actually does write the book - and tells how deals were made in the state Senate and in his office, like that bottle-service bill deal - some of his friends could get themselves singed.
And a few of my craftier readers are already suggesting that this book idea might help the governor leverage even more money from Illinois politicians.
He'll need that extra cash to help pay his legal defense bills in federal court and other expenses, like hair products and anthologies of Victorian poetry.
"John, just read that our ex-gov is writing a no-holds barred 'tell all' book," wrote reader Mark V. on Monday, just after the Blago book news broke. "Looks like he's figured out a way to raise cash in spite of new campaign contribution regulations that went into effect this year.
"My guess is that there will be dozens, if not hundreds of people willing to pony up serious money if the Gov will promise not to even mention their names in his toxic little tome. I'm thinking DeLeo alone will be good for at least six figures."
That's the Chicago Way. You threaten to write a book, and your friends drop presents on you to make sure you don't mention them. Just think what Gov. Dead Meat would get if he threatened to testify before a federal grand jury?
No discussion of a hot, salacious, turgidly written political "tell all" would be complete without mention of the ghost writer because Blago can't write his way out of a wet paper bag. I'm betting he's already hired author Anne Rice, who has already interviewed several vampires, and one more with big hair won't bother her.
The Blago book should quickly get optioned to Hollywood for one of those Oliver Stone epics full of truthiness. Although if Oliver Stone does it, the Republicans will be to blame for everything.
Either way, a movie will need a star. And wooden ventriloquist dummies can't play Blagojevich on the big screen. So who will get the starring roles?
Not Ben Affleck. I won't allow it. What we need is some twitchy haplessness. So will it be Ray Liotta as Blago or Steve Buscemi? And who will play the foul-mouthed Patti Blagojevich, who swears better than Lou Piniella and Ozzie Guillen combined?
I've got the perfect Patti. The best Hollywood cusser of all time is Susie Essman, who plays the foul-mouthed wife of Larry David's agent on "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Susie Essman can unleash four-letter words the way the young Mozart unleashed musical notes.
So don't forget, send your Blago "tell-all" book titles to me at email@example.com and win a prize. Either a beef tongue or something nicer.
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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.
© 2008, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.