I WAS SHOCKED. I was stunned. I was a master of synonyms.
What had been a very pleasant Oscar nominee luncheon — offering my suit jacket to shivering tablemates Charlize Theron and her mother, watching Fox studio co-Chairman and co-Chief Executive Jim Gianopulos stand the entire meal to schmooze with any actor in lunging distance, devouring Kyoto beef roll with cucumber and jicama — was destroyed in one moment.
The woman seated to my left, Anna Behlmer, a nominee for sound mixing for "War of the Worlds," told me that she was going to wear her own dress to the awards. It was as if she were packing a lunchbox to work on a studio movie set.
Even though this was Behlmer's eighth nomination, none of her fellow nominees (all men) had informed her that clothing designers would loan her an outfit for free. Apparently, sound mixing is a field heavily dominated by men, unlike best actressing.
So on Sunday, I took Behlmer to Escada at the Regent Beverly Wilshire Hotel, where we were met by a small army of salespeople and publicists, including Marina Morrison from Film Fashion, a company whose entire business is hooking actresses up with free outfits. How, you may wonder, do they make money loaning free stuff? Volume.
An important part of Morrison's job is to keep track of every dress so that no two people are wearing it to an event. Apparently, that would be very bad.
Avoiding such misfortune is becoming a big challenge as the universe of freeloaders expands. Journalists on E! and "Access Hollywood" are in on the deal. Just being married to a nominee or presenter works too: Steve Carell's wife is getting a dress in case the camera focuses on her during his speech. And Jada Pinkett Smith, who will walk the carpet with husband/presenter Will Smith, was getting the hookup. I'm pretty sure I could get a shirt and tie for watching at home.
The Escada army had pre-selected eight gowns for Behlmer to try on, several selling for more than $8,000. Although the green dress was thought to be "a more fresh color," it was determined that the black dress "had the right silhouette." Hanging quietly bored in the corner, I thought that I shouldn't pick column topics that are "so damn gay." Behlmer settled on a black silk one-shoulder column gown with Swarovski detailing. I have no idea if any of those words are correct. I do know the price tag said $2,650. She also got a $1,195 black Swarovski crystal evening clutch and $450 black satin strappy sandals with Swarovski detailing.
Because the dress would be returned, a tailor used large, loose, wide stitches and didn't press it too much. And Escada dry-cleans the loaned dresses afterward, because the store has yet to get a piece of clothing back that's been sent to a cleaner by an actress. And these are people who, it seems, wear something called "body makeup" that I'd like to learn more about.
Although Behlmer was having a good time at Escada, she had more Oscar power to exploit. We headed to jeweler Erica Courtney, who opened her store just for us. Courtney, I learned, loans her pieces out to just about anyone. At Saturday's Costume Designers Guild Awards, most of the winners were adorned with Erica's stuff. She even did Jennie Garth's wedding.
The vast majority of actresses don't grab free jewelry until later this week, so Behlmer got a wide selection of Courtney's stuff. Because bare necks are in, Behlmer settled on $20,000 platinum-and-diamond earrings. And because she couldn't decide between a $45,000 double-snake diamond bracelet and a $34,000 diamond slave bracelet with a ring connected to a hand-wrist covering that looked as if it might have superpowers, Courtney, of course, told her to take both of them home and decide later. The government doesn't hand out contracts to Halliburton this freely.
Finally, we headed to a sunglasses store called Solstice. Sunglasses, even the $280 Marc Jacobs pair that Behlmer picked out, are so inexpensive in the world of celebrity swag that Solstice doesn't even bother loaning them. The shop just gave them to her.
All of this took less than three hours, probably because we cut out the part where you have to pay. And, by the end, Behlmer was undoubtedly the hottest sound mixer in history.
When I told her she was going to be shot by all the photographers at the parties after the awards, she told me that she hadn't been invited to any besides the Governors Ball that the Academy throws. "We don't get into those parties unless we're holding a statue," she explained.
Capitalism, it seems, is always one step ahead of social stratification. Still, I'm guessing Vanity Fair lets her in once they see the outfit.
