According to a spate of recent reports to shore up lagging attendance many movie theaters are about to undergo major
renovations. Apparently "movie people" feel the major reason folks aren't flocking to see "Flintstones 5" is they
don't like the theaters themselves.
Which is understandable. Most U.S. movie theaters have the ambiance of Ukranian meat lockers.
As long as they've finally nailed the reason why people no longer attend films I thought I'd offer some helpful hints to
see that the renovations address the major problems.
Starting with the installation of overhead spotlights in the theater rafters (assuming a building the size of a large bread box has
rafters). Then whenever someone talks on a cellphone during the movie the spotlight shines on the offender and the other theater
patrons descend on him en masse and call him derogatory names until he hangs up.
After the overhead spotlights are securely in place I call for installing snooze alarms in every seat which will be automatically
activated in the final half hour of all Ben Affleck movies. I also call for the immediate installation of sick bags adjacent every seat in
theaters showing the movie Failure To Launch. Terry Bradshaw has a nude scene in said film that seemed to this moviegoer to last
approximately nine hours.
Next, I call for placing mattresses outside the ticket window to help cushion the fall when Dad keels over after spending
$63.50 for a family of five to get into Larry The Cable Guy: Health Inspector. It also wouldn't hurt to install mattresses inside the
theaters to catch the fainting senior citizens who go see Brokeback Mountain because they miss the old style Westerns.
In addition, because of all the gay-themed movies like Brokeback, Capote, etc, I call for installing pop up female mannequins
at regularly spaced intervals throughout theaters. This allows insecure males who'd like to attend one of the 8,000 gay themed
flicks currently in release but who are dateless to seemingly have an attractive female in the seat beside them. The female
mannequins will also allow die-hard science fiction fans to know what it's like to sit beside a girl.
With all the sequels based on creaky TV programs, next I'd install television sets tuned to Nick At Nite so patrons can
watch old sitcoms from the 60's and 70's to see what will be turned into major motion pictures within 18 months. This would negate
the need for showing previews, and when the newspaper prints that a film begins at 8:30 it'd actually begin at 8:30 and not 9:45.
On the back of every seat I'd also place a pair of ear plugs since movie soundtracks are now louder than Kiss concerts.
Sitting through any action movie can cause tinnitus.
Below is a small, unscientific chart demonstrating how the sound in movie theaters compares to other loud noises.
Jackhammer — 200 million decibels
Jet engine — 300 million decibels
Crying baby beside you inside jet — 350 million decibels
M-80 firecracker — 380 million decibels
Movie theater sound systems — 400 million decibels
Oprah audience after being informed each audience member has just won a free souvenir toothpick or dish towel — 9
billion decibels
Finally, to draw patrons back into theaters I'd disguise the exterior of mall multiplexes to resemble mall food courts.
Since Americans are more interested in eating than watching films I'd place a couple golden arches or a giant sign reading
HAAGEN DAZS at the theater entrance to trick the chronically hungry. By the time the hungry people get inside the theater and
realize they've been duped they either bury their face in the concession stand Milk Duds, or, as unlikely as it seems, sit down
and enjoy a movie.
At least as much as you can enjoy Flintstones 5 or a naked Terry Bradshaw.
