Ah, the 2006 Academy Awards ceremony is history, and not a moment too soon. Once again, I saw only one of this
year's nominated films, "Crash" and that's only because the Writers Guild sent me a DVD in the mail. The last time I
actually went to a movie theater to see a film, that film was "Cutthroat Island" a movie so banal that if the tiny multiplex
theater had a balcony I would've considered jumping. (As it was I tried overdosing on Milk Duds.)
But lack of knowledge of this year's nominated films won't keep me from awarding my 2006 ALTERATIVE OSCARS.
BEST ACTRESS: Martha-Ann Alito, wife of Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito, who wept and fled the Senate Judiciary
Committee hearings when the grilling of hubby became just a tad too intense. Cynics might say the seeming goal was to appeal to
the consciences of our U.S. Senators, which is a little like trying to appeal to the intellects of the Three Stooges.
BEST ACTOR: Harry Whittington, 78-year-old, super-loyal lawyer friend of Vice President Dick Cheney, who managed to
convincingly state he still thought highly of Cheney even with birdshot lodged near his heart. Let me cut to the chase and just begin
referring to him as Ambassador Whittington now.
Although according to new polls Mr. Cheney's approval rating is hovering at 18%, it'd probably be 11 or 12% if he
hadn't just shot a lawyer.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR: Tie: hockey star Wayne Gretzky and that blubbering guy married to the Runaway Bride. Both these
guys apparently stood by their wives with aplomb and dignity; it's hard for me to believe that dignity continued behind closed
doors, although maybe it did.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS: Singer Ashlee Simpson, who at the Alternative Oscars ceremony will be lip synching her
acceptance speech to a pre-recorded track.
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM: With the present make up of the country, this award could go to any film where the characters
speak English.
BEST SPECIAL EFFECTS: Joan Rivers' make up people, for managing to make her look life-like a good 30% of the time.
BEST DRIVING BY A WHITE TRASH MAMA IN AN SUV WHILE HOLDING A TINY BABY ON HER LAP: Britney Spears.
Granted, this is not an actual Oscar category yet. But Spears' steering acumen to keep her vehicle on the road combined with
her Southern drawl and rural roots also make her the odds on favorite at the next Daytona 500.
BEST EDITING: Author James Frey, who apparently took his life story and cut out much of the boring stuff and just gave us the
thrilling stuff. Hey, it got him on Oprah a bunch of times, didn't it? As a writer that's the pinnacle. I'd love to finish this
paragraph, but right now I have to report to rehab on St. Tropez where the court sent me after I rear-ended Big Foot in the
Popemobile I stole. Care to hear more, Oprah?
BEST WRITING: Me, for the letter I sent to the president of the telemarketing firm that's been bombarding me with long phone
messages on my answering machine for the past seven years about some insipid auto auction. After I threatened to get the
president's home and office numbers and overload his voice mail with the "Wild Animals of Borneo" sound effects tape I
checked out from the library, he pulled the plug on the phone calls real fast.
BEST PHOTOGRAPHY: The guys who photograph the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. But my question: Why do they even
need to go to exotic locales like Cabo San Lucas and San Pedro? You could photograph the models in front of a waste treatment
plant in Clifton, New Jersey or an abandoned Mervyn's store in Pocatello, Idaho and the male readers wouldn't notice.
There you have it, the 2006 Alternative Oscars, just like the actual Oscars if they were voted on by someone who lost all
interest in movies around 1987.
