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Jewish World Review March 9, 2005 / 28 Shevat, 5765 Dan Rather’s retirement speech By Brad Dickson
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
As many of you know, CBS anchorman Dan Rather retires this week. Then again, ratings for network news have never been lower. With all the different channels available nowadays it's possible many Americans do not know Rather. We live in an age where more people can name all the Teletubbies than can name the CBS News team. And that's understandable, the Teletubbies are more entertaining than the CBS News team, superior dancers, and do better research before going on air.
With all the different available viewing choices, combined with the declining ratings for news some of you may not even remember what a newscast is. A TV newscast is that thing we skip across while we're flipping from QVC to ESPN, then back to QVC. It usually features an elderly guy paired with an Asian lady young enough to be his granddaughter who used to talk about stuff like war and the economy but now do stories with titles like "Naked Co-Ed Jail Bait Raves on Ecstasy" and "Adulterous Flight Attendants in Hot Pants, Part 7."
CBS recently announced Rather is being replaced by Bob Schieffer on an interim basis. Then again maybe he's being replaced by Billy Bob Thornton, or, Claudia Schiffer; since I heard it on CBS, there's no way of telling. But if it is Bob Schieffer, CBS will have the only newscast that is equally exciting as watching a wall of paint dry.
Reportedly CBS (Confused Broadcasting System) nudged Rather out of the anchor chair after he aired Bush National Guard records on 60 Minutes 2 that are as fake as Mike Wallace's hair color. And for those few remaining souls among us who actually are aware of what a network newscast is, we've gone to the trouble to uncover Rather's retirement speech, which we present in its entirety.
"I greatly enjoyed my time anchoring the news, as well as my co workers on the Nightly News and on 60 Minutes — Ethel Merman, Danny Bonaduce, and most of all, Mickey Rooney. I mean, Andy Rooney. . . I'd like to thank my wife, Connie Chung. I love you, snookems, you're the best.
I'll never forget the day I decided to become a sports reporter. It was the same day Fran Tarkenton became the first African American player in Major League baseball.
I'd also like to thank my staff members for presenting me with a fake Rolex watch. An inside joke perhaps.
And I'd like to apologize for the fact we're dining on corn dogs and Fritos tonight, but after the fine CBS paid for the Janet Jackson incident, money is tight.
I'd like to thank my competition who made it fun. There's the guy on NBC with the gray hair and the Metrosexual on ABC with the phony British accent. Thanks, guys.
I'll still be around. I'm going to continue working at 60 Minutes part-time, and their retirement age is 107.
I'd also like to take a moment to pass on a bit of advice: Don't count yer chickens till the fat hen that lays the golden egg gets done swattin' a fly by a Texas mile.
And — What's the frequency, Kenneth?
You know I'd love to stay and chat, but I been waiting outside for two days — somehow I got the date of the dinner mixed up with the day of my chiropractor's appointment — and I'm exhausted. G'night, all, and godspeed." Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Rooster rumble a cockamamie idea? © 2005, Brad Dickson | ||||||||||
